Let's see. What's up with me right now? I guess I could say that I am content with life. I'm a little confused right now, though. See I thought I liked this one guy, but then suddenly I wasn't sure. Then, this other guy came into the picture and for awhile I thought I liked him, which confused me as to which guy I liked. Now I don't think I have a crush on him either. But even more frightening is the next person I thought I might've had crush on wasn't even a guy. It was a girl. A girl with something very in common with me. Now I think that maybe that was just a phase, like something everyone goes through. In my head I know I'm not ready for another relationship. I'm still just getting used to being so happy without one. Since I stopped talking to Ron it seems I have tripled the amount of friends I have and I haven't cried in a very long time. Ok, I cried a little last night, but that was not for any guy.
((be warned, these are all random memories that have been bothering me, so they aren't very funny or anything.))
I've been thinking alot about the things that happened so long ago. Everyone has their big dramatic sob stories in their journal, like the Kitty and Mr. Funny Man. The Kitty's story sounded so unbelievable I just couldn't form an opinion on it. I'm not saying she lies, because I can't say anything is or isn't true about anyone else's past. But I think about that and then about what has happened to me and wonder how it is that I am so ******** up but she is just fine. I guess maybe I'm still a little confused as to how horrible my life really was. I think I may have been molested...maybe. I feel like I'm being over dramatic just saying that I might have. See, I don't know where anyone draws the line at molestation, or exactly what the definition is. And maybe I was just being an over sensitive little child thinking that certain situation were uncomfortably sexual while they weren't really. I doubt my own perception.
I know I started experimenting with sex WAY too soon. I didn't know what it was at the time and I certainly wasn't old enough to get any real pleasure from it. A five year old doesn't feel those things. I got caught so many times and I didn't understand why my parents got so mad. Then, suddenly one day I finally understood it, and I realized what a horrible thing I had done. Not that it really was as horrible as it sounds. I didn't lose my virginity or anything. Its almost impossible for two little kids to get that far. From that though I developed a horrible fear of sex and relationships. My first real relationship was in freshmen year of high school. I wanted to be able to explain why I wasn't as ready to have sex as the other girls were, but to be honest this is the first time Ive said any of this to anyone outside my mom and dad. I wasn't about to try to explain it to Mr. Ex then.
All my life I was told I was useless and I would never be good enough. Mostly I heard that from my step parents. Step parents are horrible. These strange people suddenly come into your life and you are forced to like them and be nice to them no matter how you really feel, because if you don't daddy will start getting suicidal again and mommy will whip out the belt. If she doesn't whip you, step dad will and he'll make sure you feel it for hours. I remember one time, while my step mom was ripping my hair out trying to comb it because, as she told me many times before, I couldn't take care of myself and no boy would ever come near me looking as ugly as I did, She asked me if I had bought my dad a father's day present. Somehow she expected 10 year old me to get money and go out and buy my dad a present on my own. When I said no she yanked my hair and told me that I didn't deserve a father. She told me I was the worst daughter in the world and that my dad should just leave me wit my mom. She went on and on like that for sometime, untill I started crying. Then she slapped me and went and whined to my dad.
Sure, I didn't get my head slammed into as many walls as my brothers did. They were the ones who always had to talk back to my step dad, not me. He was the reason I first attempted suicide though. I forget when the first time was...or maybe I don't. I remember one time, my brother was hitting me with an empty soda bottle as hard as he could, right in front of my mom and step dad. I started screaming and crying and my mom yelled at me for being too loud. I got up to get some food and I passed behind My brother's chair to get back to my seat and he backed out into me, causing me to knock over a wedding glass of my mom and step dads. My step dad yelled at me and made me clean up the glass. When no one was looking I took a piece of the glass and started to cut my hand over and over again, until there was no more room. And that was the start of my suicidalness. I think I mightve been 9 or 10.
My first sexual act was not with a guy, nor was I aware of what it was. I was little. I still lived down the street from Jhonson JR high with my dad. I saw it on tv, Some girl giving a guy a BJ. I told my best friend Sara about it....I don't want to keep going on with this one.
.....Wow. Now Im depressed. *runs off to take prozac* These are the things I've never told anyone. But now I figure, I ought to get it all off my chest.
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My brain makes words.
If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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