After the events that happened with me getting removed from a roleplay about a year or so ago I've been wondering if I really am good at roleplay. When I was younger, I used to get into rp with more vigor. I loved to rp and could rp really well. Though over the years a lot has happened to me that's kind of killed my love for it. For a lot of things in general. Up until the tail end of last year I was super depressed, I couldn't focus on roleplay well because I just lost my passion for about everything.
When you're kicked from something, no matter what reason it is, it hurts a little. All that time you spent making posts for your character, slowly starting to get to know the small community of roleplayers tied to the story. To have it all just poof, making it all seem like a waste. What hurt more is now I've got a group of people forever hating me over something that was a simple misunderstanding. I'm not a person who can communicate and explain things really well sometimes, so I ended up being portrayed as someone who disrespected everyone.
I don't diss people, in fact I actually liked all of those people in that community. They just moved too fast for me, I couldn't keep up. Finally writing about this has taken some time. I hold onto things stupidly, I take it all as an attack. I don't mean to but it's kind of a defensive habit. I get hurt and retreat inside my shell, unsure if I want to peek out. Words are weapons that can either encourage you or make you feel worthless. I've always tried to be encouraging to people, I truly do care about them after all.
Yet I digress, lately I just wonder if I have it in me anymore. I'm afraid to join very detailed roleplays because I don't want to get hurt again, or have a group of people blindly hate me because I'm slow sometimes. Part of me feels a little used to be honest and ignored. Gaia has grown a little cold for me somewhat. I sometimes PM people on here to see how they've been and I kind of get the cold shoulder.
Maybe I'm starting to just become annoying. Or just too old for this? I've had thoughts of leaving Gaia actually, but I don't because I can't abandon roleplays and guilds I'm committed to. It's not right, even if the people don't care as much. I can't abandon them, I do love roleplay, I love writing a large unending story with people. I've just kind of I guess become more of a casual roleplayer than a hard core one. I just don't feel really that welcome sometimes in my roleplays. Maybe I'm too stressed I dunno. Maybe it's time to just move on? I don't know about that either. One day I might leave Gaia, but for now I stay because there are a few roleplays on here that I feel welcomed and needed.
Or at least I hope so. I'm kind of tired of having my heart getting stomped on by people who have more gusto and a "I don't give a damn" attitude. :/ I'm a gentle kind of quiet person, with a slight disability. I'm kind and I don't mind talking to people, but I wonder if I show it? I wonder if I show that I care? Maybe that could be my real problem. Yet for now I'll slowly chug along here, still looking for that group to belong in. >.>; I honestly really feel like I don't belong anywhere, but I don't want to bring that up ^^; Maybe another time possibly.
Stardust Drifter Community Member 
|
|
