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I'm writing this journal because my best friend and I apparently are no longer best friends. The other day I got a text from him saying that we are no longer going to be able to be friends. When I asked him why, he said that it was because he and I are on different paths in life. I honestly don't even really know what that means. It is really upsetting that he is walking out of my life. There have been so many people before him to walk out and leave me behind and we talked about that before. I confessed that I have that fear that the people I love will leave me.

I am already terrible at making friends. I get nervous and awkward and shy when I am around people I don't know. I really do hate it and I've tried to get over it but that never really works for me. I don't really know what to do about this. Everyone always leaves and it's hitting me really hard.

My best friend was pretty much like another brother to me. I told him a lot of things I never told anyone else. He was the person I went to when I was sad, when I needed advice, when I was excited, or when I just wanted to talk to someone. He was the person I could share things with and he wouldn't judge me.

So, after that day that he told me that, I cried and I thought I got it out of my system, but that is apperently not the case. He messeged me telling me that if I wanted to be his best friend then I had to try harder, which I pretty much agreed to. I don't really enjoy loosing my only friend, but later that day he told me he wanted his movies back and that if I didn't want to see him that I could send them through the mail.

It really has upset me. I honestly don't know what I did wrong but I had to have done something. I must be toxic, because no one ever stays. I don't know what is wrong with me or why this has to happen and it's really upsetting me.

I only really have one person now. I don't want him to leave. Not him too.. I don't know what to do to prevent that from happening, to make sure that it doesn't happen to him. I don't know what I will do if he leaves me too..

I have a fear of abandonment. And with each person that leave, my fear gets worse....