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I am, I guess. I mean, I have friends around me most of the day, but I still feel lonely with some of them. Maybe it's because they just talk amongst themselves without me.
It kinda bugs me when I'll see someone in the hall and they'll say, "Hey!" and then remember that they have to go meet someone. Like yesterday I think I saw Chelsey in the hall right after lunch, and then she remembered that she had to go meet Connor outside her last class like she usually does. I mean, I suppose I could understand because she does it every day, but she could've waited for me to walk with her or something considering I go the exact way they were going to. Oh well.
I kinda wish I would talk about my problems. I don't though. I don't want to. But I do. I don't like being so indecisive about it. But for now I'm going with the not talking about it part because it works easiest at this point and I can just type it up here. Then I can think about it more I guess...
I'm really happy for Jen. I mean, things are working out really well for her. I just know that I'm jealous though. I'm not going to deny it, I'm jealous. I wish I could get things to work out the way they are for her. But I don't feel like I can.
I wonder if my friends would help me out like they did for her. Getting her a date. Would they try to get me one?
I know that I'm happy for Jen, but... I guess in a way, I'm angry. Which is making me angry with myself for feeling that way. I just can't help it though. So I guess it makes me feel kind of lonely in a way too.
I probably just want the attention. That's what I think. But I hope I'm not doing anything to get it, because I don't want to be the person that demand attention to themselves. I feel like I am though.
I wish the world were black and white. Not like colors, but like... Arguments, and such. It'd be easier. Then I'd know for sure if I was bisexual or not. I feel like I am, but I wish I knew. My friend says she doesn't believe me as much anymore, which I guess I could understand. It's so confusing... Connor told me that I should tell Megan that I was so that I could give her, "advice." I kept telling him I couldn't and didn't want to, but he kept telling me to. Eventually he stopped though, after I told him I still wasn't sure. And I told him how it was annoying how he tried to make me tell everyone in sight. And he said, "No I don't." And Hillary and I said, "Yes you do." in unison, so I didn't feel so stupid...
I feel pretty stupid writing all this up. I really do. Now I think I'll talk about something else...
So last friday I went to one of my dance friend's houses to play flashlight tag with her and her friends. And I met like 9 people that I've never talked to before. Suddenly I have four or five on my im buddy list or whatever, I'm invited to the movies this sunday and I'm invited to one of their BIRTHDAY parties. Dx Randomly making friends.... Incredibly fast. It's actually kind of annoying. I mean, I log on im and I'm just sitting there for a few minutes, and suddenly as soon as they log on they im me. I guess I tend to do this, but only to Jen really. But with me and Jen, we don't talk constantly. We have little breaks and don't yell at each other if we stop replying for a minute or two. >_> And Jen doesn't use chat speak...
I just feel really insensitive lately. =? And I wish some things were more clear to me.
 Arancia · Thu May 18, 2006 @ 01:23am · 1 Comments |
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