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1/8/2014

******** the dreams! I can't believe she talked to Lynn without me knowing it yesterday! No wonder she hadn't talked much! I'm so pissed! More so ever Dissa ******** pointed! When will she take a step back and see that I'm not the one who wants to walk out the relationship! Everytime I turn around I keep hearing; Goodbye, it's okay if you want to go back to him; it'll make you happy." No it ******** won't! To me it seems as if she doesn't want to be with me! For ******** sake, she actually went back to talk to lynne yesterday; and then dared to try and talk to me as if she didn't. What the actual ********!

I'm not the type of person to leave a person for someone else! Only scum bags do that s**t! I still have sense and morals that I follow by! Oh yeah, one bad weelk and she quickly assumes that I'm not interested in her! Not every relationship is all peaches and cream! There will be ugly we have to face! And I think today, I've seen part of the ugly.

I mean seriously, does she know anything about me at all? I hate talking after I get out of school cause I'm exhausted as hell, I have to worry about me, might having to go to a different ******** school! And then I have to worry about family! Our low a** income and how we're going to work out the bill! We're getting so damn desperate to the point we're scraping up change! My aunt is on my back about job searching again! It's so bad to the point she's going job searching with me so she can get a job as well! ******** $627 a month from my adoption checks, we have to stretch that s**t! I don't know how we even pay rent! Probably social security checks. But s**t; I'm not always going to be chill. I'm constantly stressed cause of all these nit picked s**t out of no where! I'm having Later-sobs of s**t that happened in the past. I'm trying to tell myself to suck that s**t up and keep living in the present while expecting better for the future!

Oh god, and then she calls back to tell me she's grounded again after we just talked about fifteen to twenty min ago about her "TALKING" to "LYNN"! I am not in the mood to hear that s**t! I'm still overly disappointed in her! She's a smart a** girl to be ******** doing stupid things! She is so much smarter than that! s**t, and I don't know when she'll also get it through her head that love doesn't always mean that it should be said; it should also be "Showed"! I honestly do love her; I don't get why it must be said all the time. Me being rough with her, Love! Me sharing things with her, Love! Me telling her how I actually feel in certain situations like today! Love!

All I want to do right now is to go the ******** asleep. I know by heart that I'm going to have a shitty day tomorrow at school cause of this; but I'm getting older now. I don't have time to be getting stressed and all worked up because of this. It all looks as if "Oh, if me and Mark don't work out, I still have Lynn!" I don't work that way! If she's doing that, then she might as well leave me because that's some shallow s**t. I'm not a plan A, and as much as I don't approve of Lynn, that girl does not deserve to be a plan B.

Think I vented out most of my anger. I'll write more tomorrow if I feel like it. s**t, I need to focus on getting s**t done in school.