You came to my school in eighth grade. Lucky you.
I can't remember if it was first or second grade. The girls in my class had begun liking boys. Something was weird about it though. They would claim they liked someone, and not even a month later, they would say they liked someone else. Even as a child, that bothered me.
To be honest, it still bothers me.
I told myself, then, that I would not announce my fondness for someone unless I truly liked them, and that I knew I wouldn't like them for very long.
It was either grade two or three when I had my first crush.
A boy in my class, whose name was Oliver, came up to and said, "Calvin likes you." And, because I didn't even consider liking anyone else, I liked Calvin back.
For a whole year, we would play together at recess and work together in class. Our class composed of pretty stupid guys, I have to admit. They were mostly rude and ignorant. I hated them. The only two guys that I recognized as normal were Calvin and Oliver.
Months later, another friend of mine, who was my enemy at the time, liked Calvin. She would hang out with us at recess and lunch, and during class too.
She wasn't really my friend at the time, but I felt betrayed. I still liked Calvin. Then, at the end of third grade, Calvin said he would leave.
Now I don't know if this next part was a dream or if it was reality, but I remember Calvin promising me that he would return in grade six.
So the years passed by and I still liked Calvin. It did not even strike my mind that he left for good. I completely believed he was coming back.
And when he does come back, I thought, I'll hug him. I'll tell him how much I've missed him. I'll fill in all the year we were apart.
I'm not sure if anyone noticed, but I was pretty obsessed with Calvin through my elementary years. I hated the girls (and guys) that announced their new crush every few weeks. It bugged me to hell. That's why I never talked about or expressed openly about my fondness for Calvin.
I did in my alone time. I made songs, wrote letters, imagined stories with us together. I really did like him.
Then sixth grade came. There was no Calvin. He didn't come.
In fact, I don't even know his last name. I have no contact with him. He could be dead for all I know. When I think about all the years I waited for him, I feel pathetic.
Calvin, if you ever read this, dude.. I thought you were coming back. sweatdrop
So from then on, I tried to lock my heart away. It wasn't until I got in junior high that a bunch of guys started confessing to me. They told me about how cold I was to boys in elementary and how they couldn't tell me the things they wanted to say. They told me how I ignored them, and how much they wanted me to just talk to them.
I'm sorry guys. I just.. Something in my mind back then made me oblivious to the existence of the male race.
In grade seven, I had my second crush. He was nice, I guess. I hated myself for it. I hated myself for liking another person. We chatted a lot online. We shared secrets. At school, I still had the anti-guy aura apparently, so nothing happened.
Time passed, and I lost it for him. Let's call him number seven, as this was his former jersey number.
In fact, I started liking a guy from my fourth grade class. A guy who was always there, who I didn't even acknowledge back then. I hated myself more. He was perfect, this one. He had the looks (which I didn't care too much about since I almost never see him anymore), he had the grades, he had a close-enough ethnicity to be accepted into my family, he was everything. Too perfect. I felt that I wasn't enough. I felt that he deserved someone more, and someone better.
I tried to suppress my feeling the moment I became conscious of them. It didn't work. I still kind of like him. He likes another girl now. I don't want to interfere. I'm actually happy because the other girl he liked was a close friend. I couldn't have picked a better match for him. Let's call him number three, as he was my third crush.
So in the middle of my grade eight year, number nine locked my lock on my locker while my locker was open. Try to say that. 4laugh Anyways, this was weird because guys normally didn't approach me so directly in reality. I mean, I guess it was partially because number nine didn't know my anti-guy reputation so it didn't affect him.
Day after day, he would lock my lock.
One day, somewhere in March, I grabbed his hand after he locked it.
I CAUGHT HIM, I thought.
Then, after a few seconds, I realized I was touching a guy.
Now, I'm not a person who likes physical contact. I don't do hugs or kisses or anything. I can't even hug a female friend. neutral
No one noticed, but by grabbing number nine's hand, I took a giant leap forward emotionally.
I fell back. Embarrassed, I was, not from the fall but from the hand-grabbing.
I got on my feet, and the rest of that day played out normally.
The days after felt really weird. I felt this tense awkwardness around number nine.
On the night of March 28- March 29, I had a dream. In that dream, number nine asked me out, and I gleefully accepted.
Like, LOLWUT?
I'm not even like that in reality. I can't deny my dreams. They always give me hints to the coming events. However, that dream changed me. It made me conscious of my fondness for number nine.
Number nine, by the way, is a reference to his former jersey number. I can only call him number nine until he gets his next jersey number.
So then, it was I that had a past of liking Calvin, number seven, number three, and number nine.
That's four guys.
As far as the perfect story goes, the girl should only like one guy.
That's why I didn't ever make a move. I thought that if I couldn't stay faithful to my first love, what was there to say I would stay faithful to future lovers?
But number nine, do you not remember a conversation we had about this very thing? And you said to me that I should open up my heart.
Little did you know, my heart was already open. Open to an extent where anyone who sincerely tried could enter.
Calvin, number seven, number three... they all liked me. I thought that it was normal having the person you like like you back. Number nine, I started doing experiments on you long before I told you. Study shows that you liked me, for quite some time, too.
So I took it all for granted. I wanted that feeling of being hurt. I wanted to feel jealous. I felt like other people were experiencing more emotions than me, even if theirs were gained through emotional struggles.
On the first day of ninth grade, I had a premonition that number nine and Mouse (a girl in my class...) would get together. I didn't want to believe it, since it was but the first day of ninth grade, but something convinced me right off the bat.
When number nine started dating Mouse, I felt overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with happiness that you have found a beautiful girl to stay by you.
Overwhelmed with sadness that what we shared would soon fade.
Overwhelmed with pride that my predictions followed through all too precisely.
Just darn straight overwhelmed.
If you are happy, you have my blessing, number nine.
So today, I promise to never like any guy again. If I do end up liking someone, I will only be denying this promise, and ultimately denying myself.
Lucia, you've been warned.
Number nine, you will read this, all of it. Thanks for taking the time.
As for my other readers, thank you also for reading. I appreciate it, as always.
And good night if it's night time.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I never 100% believed I liked you, number nine. I was fond of you, very fond of you. I liked being around you. I liked our conversations in Math class. I enjoyed lending you my pencil everyday. Everything about you is very admirable. There was always a doubt in my mind about you. The doubt said that you weren't useful to me. It told me that you had no benefit. It told me so many things that I wish it didn't.
Because of that doubt, I'm not nearly as hurt as I should be when you got together with Mouse.
But be very weary, number nine. I had a dream that it won't last. If you two do break up, it will be in three to seven months. If you don't break up by then, I fear something much worse will come for you in the dawning year of highschool. My dreams do not lie, number nine. You've been warned.
REGARDLESS, I wish much happiness upon you. You have my blessing!
