No one ever hears me complain like this. Well... it's very rare. I try to make myself out to be the happy-go-lucky person that tries to keep everyone from crying. Therefore, I have to be happy all the time. Which means, I have to keep all my sadness and anger inside of me.
I just cheered my friend up today, because she was depressed for no reason. Well... now I'm depressed and crying for no reason. I'm feeling extremely empty and extremely lonely. I've been sleeping less, and am growing uglier than I already am, because of it. The lack of calcium in my diet is starting to become more apparent through the facts I can't do push ups in gym because I can't hold myself up. I'm getting teased for it, for how weak and lazy I'm growing. I can't help it. I hate the outdoors now, when all I used to do was play outside. I also think I'm beginning to lose weight.
I hate how I get yelled at for complaining about these things. They tell me I should do something, and that it's my fault for doing it, so I have no right to complain. Whether they're right or not doesn't mean s**t to me. When I complain all I'm asking for is the right to vent, to state my problem. Maybe receive a kind word. After all, they are my friends.
I hate how I've been left out of a lot of stuff they've done. How they've ignored me. I think that's going to end, though.
I hate how I can't tell any of this to the people who do it.
I hate how I feel like I'm going to be left alone, all alone... bu myself pretty soon. Oh my god, I don't want to be all alone. But no one ever stays with me, they all leave.
I wish I could become a rock. So that way I couldn't cry over these things. I wouldn't be afraid of being left alone, I wouldn't feel pain. Maybe I should try to stop caring about... everything. I could lose all my emotion, rid myself of the memories of the people I love ans care about. Anyone who loves someone ends up hurting. And right now I'm hurting so bad I think the lump in my throat is about to explode. It's hard to breathe now. I wish this lump would get bigger and just choke me.
But most of all, I hate how this isn't even half of it. I hate how if I were to spill out the other half that there would be a few people Iove out there that would probably cease to speak to me, and that they'd hate me.
And I hate how stupid I am.
God, I sound emo. And I wrote this to make myself feel better, though it failed. I did not write this to get a s**t load of sympathy from people I don't know.
Like anyone cares anyways.
 GLITTERFAGGOT · Mon Apr 03, 2006 @ 05:28am · 0 Comments |
