|
I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this... probably because I'm extremely frightened. I feel as if I'm spiralling and I'm scared I can't make the changes I need to make, even though I have to make them to have a chance at being alright. I've lived with a deep sadness for a long time now, few have noticed, those that have demand I do something about it, but that's easy for them to say isn't it. They don't have to actually do it. Around them, I sound so confident, so ready for this, but inside, I'm dead scared. It's like giving up a giant part of myself, plus if what I'm figuring is true, I'm going to lose them too, whether I do this or not for seperate reasons. Those who know how I truly am cannot stand to be around me because they know how fake I'm being and hard as they are trying to help me, I can hardly wrap my head around any of it, and it frustrates them. I don't blame them for that, I've always been a handful to handle in most situations. No, the problem with my friends is how easily I see them give up and just... walk away. It keeps me trapped because I don't think I can get through this without them. I'm so close. So. So. Close. And I don't think I can follow through whilst my friend is mad at me. He's been the one huge supporter through this, and seeing him get fed up with me, when I hadn't even been doing anything, or feeling down, or sorry for myself, or nothing, decides to get mad and now? Won't even talk to me... really smart, to build me up, then tear me down like that, now I fear worse than ever walking away. It's his own fault he's even mad to be honest... He made a comment that made me quiet for a minute because, even if it was a joke, it hurt, and he tryed to poke me and get me back and when I stayed quiet those extra seconds... all of a sudden it was the silent treatment for me. I know I'm rambling, and I know no one who reads this cares, but writing helps me think. I'm so... worried about later today... I just... I dunno what to do... I need some serious guidance before I lose it...
|
