So I was supposed to analyze a Shakespeare sonnet of my choice and because I'm bloody hopeless I picked 149... sweatdrop
Now this was the first time reading it since I picked it last term and I couldn't help but feel a tad bit emotional once I read it...
It's called "Canst thou, O cruel! say I love thee not," and it talks about a love that is not reciprocated...
And call me a loser for empathizing but I can't help but relate, no matter how much I don't really like Shakespeare...
But yeah...
I started to get really depressed...
And for some psychotic reason I decided to read old emails...
Which just made me cry even more...
I think my mind is torturing me...
...
It's funny though, I found this one email from the 2nd of April 2010 and it had a bit of playful jealousy in it... wink
I kept reading the emails and while I was still at the beginning of the emails, something began to tear at my heart again...
How could I forget?
The other day was the 30th of April... And more or less the same time last year, I ran away from home for that night and went to Monique's house...
And thinking back, I remember the events of that day so vividly...
I ran from home because I heard my little sister crying from inside the house and had the opportunity to run since I was with Stumpi in the front yard...
I after hearing my little sister scream, I shoved Stumpi over the fence and ran...
I ran down 4 streets, from Alexander Crt to Monique's street and since I was so scared it took me less than 10 minutes... (I remember another time I tried walking to her house from Alexander and it took me a 45 minutes)
Once I got to the park at the corner of her house, I hesitated a bit...
My heart felt like it was jumping out my chest and my brain was throbbing...
I kind of stopped wailing but it took me a while to stop the tears...
After a short moment I somewhat confidently walked up to her house, calmed myself down a bit and walked up the ramp...
I knocked on the door, her grandma answered and after asking to see Monique for a brief moment Monique's grandma called out to her...
She came out of the front room still in her school uniform with her white school shirt, winter school pants, school socks and her hair was still a shade of orange...
She smiled at me and said that she got my email...
At the time I couldn't even remember what I sent. It didn't matter seeing her was mesmerizing...
I must've still looked sad so she led me to her room...
I think that's the only time I've been in her room... It was neat. I believe walls were covered with posters and there was a pokemon related plushie on her bed...
She had hardly led me through the doorway when I hugged her... I couldn't help it... At that moment in time, life seemed so not worth living. I needed something to remind me to stay in reality, a reason to keep going on...
And Monique is that reason for me.
Hugging her that time was so nice... Hugging her anytime is fabulous, but that particular embrace was so special... She was so warm, her skin so soft, her scent so beautiful and her touch so gentle yet so comforting...
I held onto her so tightly, I didn't want to let go...
If I could go back to re-live a moment I'd pick that hug...
It makes my heart sore thinking about it now, but if I could go back even for just a minute it would be . . . just so wonderful, words cannot describe just how very happy I would be...
It's funny while I was crying her shoulder she did that strange thing she used to do... (yeah, I kinda of had that habit too but her doing that is one of those things I will never understand) I mean, after hugging her and crying in her arms for at least 3 minutes, she was the one who make the comment "You smell nice."
At that, I couldn't help but laugh...
Eventually I let go... I started rambling about how I'd go and run away to mom's house or the church or something but I didn't do that in the end...
In the end I left her house without explaining to her why I ran away in the first place...
It was still early in the evening but the sun had already started to set when I was first running to her house...
I spent the rest of the night fighting with myself, hiding at the park, crying and counting cars, all while contemplating whether I should go home or whether I could still go back to Monique's house...
After fighting with myself, I sat in front of her fence...
After fighting with myself a bit more, I knocked on the door again (very quietly though, so no one answered the door)
Then after a while I deliriously decided to lay on the front lawn (because that's totally logical...)
Gosh, I'm such a creep...
I regret doing anything and everything I've ever done to upset her...
And there are a lot of things I have done...
I mean, there's all the unexpected visits, excessive amounts of staring, the inappropriate touching, the tumblr stalking, the just plain obsessive fangirling over her etc...
Even after I've stopped doing all that things are still awkward and I can't help but feel it's my fault...
She very most likely hates me...
I hate me too...
But she's just so beautiful... Not only that but she's talented and witty and just so remarkable...
She's just so adorable...
No one could ever, ever compare to her.
It's weird because sometimes I get these days where she seems so amazing that I get scared that I might've just made her up in my mind...
But she exists... And she's real...
I mean, I fangirl over celebrities and all but I don't consider them real because I know I have no chance with them... And there isn't anybody in this lifetime who I think more fondly of than Monique...
I mean, John Sio is the make or break of my sexual identity... I'd be able to settle for him and if it doesn't work out with him I'd settle for any other interesting girl...
I can imagine being contented with that in the future but I would never ever forget about Monique...
Call it a crush, infatuation, limerence or whatever you want but whatever it is, I am sure I love Monique. Yes it may be a selfish, obsessive form of the emotion but it's a form of love nonetheless...
I just wish I could be more caring towards her and maybe a little more selfless...
I love Monique.
And I don't think anything can change that.
Even if she will never love me back.
I wish we were friends... Or anything...
She never really gave me a title unlike other people... (BFF Emma, BFF Peter, BFF Breen etc...)
But after reading a couple of emails, I find some things I didn't notice before...
like this:
It's weird because I don't see why she should think that...
But it's an honour to know that there was a time when she thought about me...
I hope she can think of me fondly again one day...
