It's a times like these where Im glad that I have a journal to write in... I presume that I would be completely mad or suicidal I guess.... I started to watcch a few videos on youtube Called Tales of a mere existence... I liked it alot, it reminded me that life doesnt have to be rediculous to be interesting...not even interesting...just...something... Lately my heart has been aching... it's a painfull feeling and if anybody ever asked me what it feels like I would saw it feels like a gash in my ribcage and the bone fragments are lodged inside my heart's blood arteries....I dont blame anyone really... It just happens...and I would like to say that many things in my life are terrible... but I guess it xcould be worse... I have two people raised me the best they could.... Im not a drop out... at times I do have suicidal thoughts but everybody does, which I can only imagine how god is feeling... I always wondered if god was real... if he was I would bet he would wonder why the hell man fell off the chain of evolution like this... I wonder if they have t.v. in heave...and if they do, do they have the religion channel? Does god watch it? I hope not...those are terrible..... I may e 15...but at most times I have an old sol, which I guess can make a person feel mad with depression...especially with my people...and my generation.... I always wondered why black girls dye thier hair a different color like caucasian people....yet call them crackers when they do something black.... I ddont understand the whole fake hair thing... my english teacher likes women with wigs....he's chinese so I guess it's a desired taste rather than a racial thing... I dont like it... I dont know what I want anymore.... I guess I never knew what I wanted.... I just wanted what my heart wanted...maybe...When I was younger I believed in two things.... Life was meant to be a happy thing.... I was never going to be like the black people they portray in videos...even martin luther king day specials....just me... and the third thing is that I dont ever want to outlive any of my closest friends...life is just another part of death....I can't stop it and I dont choose to... On another story.... I guess my taste in women is something to be condemned.... a Wise man once said... " jordan...hold your d**k..." i knew what he meant right away....I couldnt help but say that I am a hopeles romantic.....Im very contempt with what my life has become...but a re accuring feeling has come over me...a feeling of antimidation.. I am always on toes lately.... my mellow shell that I encased around myself has shattered completely.... I guess my inner fire is burning hearder than usual... and llike they always say, A good fire is the one that burns the brightest before it is snuffed out....
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· Sat Dec 04, 2010 @ 06:53pm · 0 Comments