Alexander J Luthor
Wow... I think I'm going to have to do this in book order. *finally willing to write it all out* Congratulations! You've coaxed me out of my writing shell! cheese_whine *kazoo*
(Also, please forgive any mistakes or things left out. I only read each book once, and re-living them like this is harsh enough.)
Part 1: Stephenie Meyer
1. The woman cannot write. It's sad, but very true. Sure I let book one slide, but that was a horrible mistake... I finished Twilight and thought, "It wasn't too bad, I think, (from an 'I just wanna read something new' stand point)... Well, she's also just starting out, maybe the second one will be better!" I was wrong. New Moon disgusted me, I can't even bring myself to call Eclipse a book, and Breaking Dawn was a welcome end to a crappy series.
Now, some people would wonder, "Alex, if you hated the books so much, why did you keep reading them?" There are two reasons:
1. Unless it's a manga, which have the possibility of continuing until the writer/animator dies, I can't not finish a series. I literally HAVE TO know what's next.
2. Twi-hards would probably b***h about me hating on them without reading them all...
2. Smeyer's research failed on practically all counts. Examples include:
Isle Esme: There isn't one
Brazil's West Coast: There isn't one
British history coinciding with Carlisle's becoming a Sparklepire: There were no sewers at the time, and witches were hanged
Confederate Army age requirement and Jasper: Average age was 16-28
The Quileute Tribe: Talk about a written bitchslap. She got a whole group of people in one crippling swing
Extra chromosomes: (speaking of crippling) Extra chromosomes mean birth defects, not superpowers
The Money: Alice's bribe in New Moon was worthless seeing as Euros have been used since '02. Plus, 1,000 Lira = about $0.75 American cash.
Snowflakes: They have six points.
Wolves: They don't live in Washington.
Laws: It's amazing how many her characters break...
Mythical creature lore: Come on! Really? The only research done was when Bella looked up "vampire" on her computer? Fail. Also, it's been said she never read any vampire books, watched many movies, or did much else that would have helped her. She doesn't like "scary movies". Grow UP, woman!
It is actually "ok" to use the excuse "POOF! Magic, it works." if you can't think of something.
3. She based the whole story off a dream, which leads me to believe that she really thinks she is Bella. How creepy is that? It would also explain why no good characters die, why it's completely about stalker-love (with a few bad plots thrown in for the hell of it), and why the only characters with real stories are the three inside the love triangle. Few good books are based off dreams, and even those have a riculous amount of work put in to make them great.
4. The series seems really... whitewashed. I've noticed a lot of the non-caucasian in the movies were not so in the books, save the Quileutes. A great example is Laurent. In New Moon Bella's at the cottage and for a second thinks she sees Edward, but when she focuses she realizes that it's Laurent in the sunlight.
5. The "brother in shining armor" is extremely annoying. Smeyer needs to man up and take some well deserved criticism for this catastrophe, and I don't mean just the obvious things like Stephen King's very public comment. I also heard she has kids, what kind of example is this for them?
End Note: Sure, from an "I just want to read something" stand point, Twilight was pretty good. But once it crossed over to a sequel, then a series, it plummeted down hill.
Part 2: Twilight
1. I think I'll start at the beginning, Vampires. Everyone keeps saying one of twothree things, "They're not vampires! Vampires don't sparkle!" or, "Yeah they are! They drink blood!" even, "It doesn't matter, they don't exist..."
Fact: They ARE vampires. They consume blood.
Fact: They are NOT vampires. They're elves.
Fact: Both statements are right and wrong. (Go ahead and test me on this, I have an encyclopedia on the subject...) This is due to the third response.
Vampire lore has indeed evolved over the centuries, and there were real life vampires, such and Vlad the Impaler, Elizabeth Bathory, Clara Geisslerin, Peter Kurten... (the list goes on). The main issue though is once again Smeyer's neglect of lore. NO, you can't throw random things together and label it as an existing creature. Almost all current vampire myths have at least several things in common with one another, and if they don't they usually go by some other name.
Smeyer's vampires are go like this; elf + stone + blood drinking = vampire. Notice how I plugged "elf" into the equation. That's because modern (however you figure modern) elves are known as startlingly beautiful, graceful, creatures. They are often clumped with/split between other much-like creatures, such as light elves, dark elves, dwarves, gnomes, faries, pixies... the list goes on! So look at these groups, vampires and elves. A lot in common with this one, only one with the other, which is why I call Smeyer's creation Sparklepires. That's fair, right?
2. The instant love was bothersome, mainly because of how Smeyer pulled it off. Anyone who knows a thing or two about relationships could tell EdwardxBella was based solely off looks, and smell (as if that's not creepy or anything...), and therefore is more qualified to be called "lust". Most of Bella's thoughts are about how hot Edward is and how plain she is next to him, even though most of the guys in her new school flock behind her and the girls are a bit jealous of her fair skin. (Random: I really think Bella would have made a better vampire than Edward. She was from Arizona and looked like a ghost, which is really hard unless she's secretly an albino/ginger. (I'M ginger, and I'd get a tan in that weather.))
3. The sleep watching was really creepy. Watching a newborn baby sleep is "aw and curiosity", breaking into a house and watching someone who isn't even your girlfriend sleep is not only weird, but I'm pretty sure all states have some sort of law against that type of behavior... And then there was the obvious physical, mental and emotional abuse throughout all of the books. Rough grabbing, cutting Bella off from her friends (even though she hardly wanted to see them anyway), making snide comments and treating her like a child are all constant examples that are twisted into a "representation of their forever-love".
4. Sparklepires... oh, the lulz.
5. I can honestly say I had never heard anyone edit the Mary-Sue nickname for any book/movie/show before Twilight. It was kinda funny...
6. By the looks of the (crazier) fan base and their reaction to the book, I'd say it has successfully hacked at years of progression in women's rights, stopping *****, stopping abuse, family building, and whatever else is relevant.
7. Had Edward just let Bella change near the end when James had bitten her, we would have been saved from three more books of crap. But no, Smeyer had to whore her talents. Not cool, man.
And that's all I can think of for Smeyer and the first book. I'll add more later, maybe... if my eyes stop burning burning_eyes
Twilight Science
Ok. Here we go on explaining "Smeyer birth".
The above equation is birth in its simplest form. How Smeyer could ******** up such a simple equation... we'll never know. Until we look at the problem head on and just think, not even hard thinking, just "what the hell did she do?"
Smeyer's birth equation:
W-T-F, you ask? So did everyone else. We will start at the beginning.
Reproduction: Edward TOLD Bella sparklepires can't have babies, but for the sake of Bella-sue being perfect, Jacob looking like the biggest a*****e in the world, and screwing over the loyal fans, Smeyer made an exception and broke her own canon* to make this possible.
Sparklepire Anatomy: Aside from them being dead, and therefore unable to have kids in the first place, sparklepires are giant diamonds that shouldn't be able to move without shattering and dying instantly. She claims the reason for the sparklepires not shattering is because their "venom" lubrcates EVERY CELL IN THEIR BODY, and takes the place of every liquid the body needs to function. Bullshit.
What they lack:
Heart beats
Blood
Blood flow
Semen
Warmth
anything and everything needed to make a baby, but a p***s
Blood/Heartbeat: Smeyer says that not only do sparklepires lack a beating heart, but the blood they consume "goes the ways of the old circulation" or some crap like that.
This = Impossible/more bullshit
Ignoring the other impossibilites riddling these statements, without a heartbeat, all of that blood would pool in the sparklepire's ankles. Without a heartbeat, Edward also wouldn't be able to get a proper erection to make babies with.
Venom: Sparklepire venom causes a horrible burning sensation when it enters the bloodstream. We know it causes a massive amount of pain when changing, melts contact lenses after a few hours, and then she added the wonderful nugget that the venom carries DNA as well. Bullshit.
If the vemon carries DNA then there shouldn't be any female sparklepires. The venom visits every single cell and changes it into a tiny facet. This includes eggs. Once the DNA hits the ovaries every single egg would be fertilized and grow, killing the she-pire.
And if this venom/acid takes place of semen as well, it's safe to say that s**t'll burn right through Bella's uterus and kill her/turn her/both.
Sperm: We all know the sparklepires are dead. Knowing that, it should be obvious that they have no sperm. But since we're using Meyer Logic, of course they can have it! In the form of acidic venom/sperm mutation.
But alas, frozen semen needs to be gradually warmed or risk being killed off. Bella's dramatically different body temperature would zap those swimmers like a can of RAID takes care of ants.
It also leads into my next point.
Warmth: Sparklepires are remarkably cold for corpses, which I find ironic. Normal corpses, no matter how cold they are to begin with, will eventually warm up to room temperature. But, seeing as they're sparklepires, they don't. Which also causes a problem.
Sperm, successfully frozen, rests at a temperature of -320.8 degrees Fahrenheit. This means Edward's body temperature would have to be the same, all the time. Bella would die of shock just by touching him, imagine the pain of sex... she would freeze to death from the inside out.
None of this even touches the birthing problems they'd have. Like Nessie having two extra chromosomes in every single logic-defying cell.
I'm going to stop here for any possible questions/comments now.
*Canon: Stone set rules all writers use in their stories, meant to never be broken for risk of making one's self look like a complete dumbass.
Twilight morals
Those... seem like odd morals for what I saw. neutral I thought it was "stay in the kitchen", "hate blondes for being blonde", "you're worthless if you can't make babies", "anything you can do a man can do better", "child-grooming is ok if it's tru wuv", and "you're only worth talking to if you're obnoxiously beautiful"...
In twilight, when Bella first arrives, she's suddenly cooking everything, doing laundry, etc. because apparently for the past 17 years Charlie just barely scraped by like a monkey with dynamite. Plus, she's the biggest freaking klutz who can't do anything right, until she has the perfect hell-baby. Then in the battle we didn't get to see in the third book, we find out the only real injuries were sustained because Leah screwed up, because women can't fight, obviously.
All of the blondes are either assholes, or they aren't allowed to have any sort of happy ending. (except for Jasper, then again he's a male sparklepire...)
ex. Rosalie is a total b***h, until we find out she was raped. Then again the only reason she likes Bella after that (which by the way was a very stupid piece of character derailment) is because she wants to all but steal the hell-baby.
ex2. Mike is possibly the only guy who doesn't get his "tru wuv", and suffers a sudden case of "i'm-a-d**k syndrome" in the second book for no reason.
ex3. Lauren was the awesome, pretty, popular blonde girl at "Forks High School". She was also the only one to not automatically love Bella for no reason when she entered the state. And for that, she was punished.
She got caught up by a modeling agency in the mall who said if she paid them in advance, got a haircut and took some head shots, she could be a model. Obviously she does all of this, only to find out it was a scam. Making the moral "Blondes are evil, gullible, and stupid. Don't trust them."
There are more examples, but three's enough.
Leah states, somewhere in Eclipse or Breaking Dawn, that she felt like a useless nothing because she couldn't have a baby, like Bella. No one contradicts this statement either. She's painted as a genetic dead-end because she's a female meyer-wolf that can't have kids and is going through early menopause, and all the other characters can focus on is that she's annoying for bitching about that, and the fact that Sam, her would-be fiance, ditched her for her cousin, who he horribly disfigured in a fursplosion.
Rosalie also feels useless because she can't have kids, which is why she's all over hell-baby. She wasn't protecting Bella, she was protecting Nessie.
Oh, and Esme tried to kill herself after her baby died, as if that didn't happen A LOT in her time period.
Again, the fight in the third book. The guys are doing a great job fighting, and suddenly it goes to hell when Leah gets herself and like two others injured. Alice, Rosalie and Esme aren't really allowed to fight either, and could their powers be more useless? Rosalie's strength isn't as good as the average sparklepire, Esme has never-ending love power, and Alice's power is hardly helpful when it's needed. But Emmett's crazy strong, Jasper's power explanation defies logic (real or meyer-logic), Edward has the coolest power of all of them, and Carlisle is just... godly, kind of...
The coolest useful female characters are either evil, or they're evil and they die. (Jane and Victoria)
Jacob and Quil... what the hell? I thought Quil was a nice-guy character, then he falls in "tru wuv" with a freaking toddler. And Nessie was only created for two reasons.
1. Bella could be perfect and give Edward the perfect baby.
2. Jacob could have "tru wuv", because he just couldn't fall in love with Leah, who can't have babies. But when you think about it, neither can Nessie! But she's a perfect sparklepire-sue so it doesn't matter.
The way Bella treats all of her human friends, or humans in general, even though they're absolutely in love with her once they set eyes on her Bella-sue face. No, she goes for the perfect sparklpires who want nothing to do with her. Then when she becomes a sparklepire, she totally knocks Rosalie out of "the most beautiful" first place.
Just ask if I need to reinforce some places.
Because Charlie couldn't do anything for himself. Really, how did he live?
The lack of being a klutz after changing is simply so she could be even more of a Bella-Sue. Clumsiness is almost a -Sue trademark.
About that, Smeyer seems to think a few redeeming moments will fix everything. It doesn't.
There's a thing though. In high school, Smeyer was miffed by blondes, who were all popular, pretty, and just cool. While she was a brown haired wall flower. She was happy in college because the blondes there were more focused on studying than being cute, and she got more dates, which she contributes to the lack of pretty blondes. I think this explains Lauren well.
Jasper was a male sparklepire. Carlisle created them all, so he just can't be a dumb blonde. We randomly find out that Rosalie likes learning about cars, but that doesn't cover up the fact that she hates Bella for no real reason no matter how you cut it. Mike wasn't a horrible person. He suffered from character derailment, which was totally unfair. And his mother is hardly mentioned, but I think Bella wasn't a fan of hers anyway (again) for no reason.
It's implied enough, and no one keeps her from thinking this way. It's actually in a pep-talk between her and Jacob.
And I know Rosalie doesn't say it, but you can tell how she feels by the way she treats Bella when she's preggo.
No, actually. If my girlfriend had a baby and lost it, I'd probably cry harder than her. (I want like ten kids so... and she wants a niece) But really, Carlisle bonded with her because she tried to kill herself like he did? A lot of Bromance-fan antis are pretty sure Esme is only there to keep Carlisle from looking gay, which would never work in Smeyer's books. It would also be blasphemy if Carlisle didn't have his own "tru wuv".
Ok, you got me, my brain's a little fuzzy on that... But really, could Alice be anymore useless when it comes to being something more than a fashionista? Her "great fighting" is thanks only to her future seeing power, which I guess is only awesome when she's fighting or needs to cheat on wall street.
...Carlisle has a power?
Again, it's implied. It says somewhere that she's the weakest of the bunch or something... And if I'm wrong in that, look at her. She beautiful and angry, that's it. No super power, no distinguishing features other than liking cars...
A rock, is a rock, is a rock. That's child-grooming. Child-grooming is a form of *****. Imprinting=creepy.
And what's up with imprinting? The girl being imprinted on has no choice in the matter. She gives in to his "loving determination and dedication". A great example is Emily. She said no to Sam, Sam got angry and fursploded, scarring her for life, and she lies to her whole family and says a bear did it, then never talks to any of them again. Popular opinion is that she's still in shock from the attack, or she just doesn't want to risk meeting death again. Notice how she turns in a robotic stepford wife?
I blame Smeyer, who's whacked in the head or something... And high chances are that Nessie can't, and it would be stupid for Smeyer to say she can. As it stands, Nessie has not one but two extra chromosomes. Extra chromosomes lead to deformities and partial or full sterility. Mating with Jacob, who has 24 of his own, would be like throwing gasoline on the fire, if they were to have kids...
Angela is very sympathetic, she too is painted as a girl who can't defend herself when Edward "hits on her" and Eric comes to her "rescue" by saying she was going out with him, instead of asking if she would rather go out with him.
Eric and Mike are real characters that could have been a lot better had they been introduced as sparklepires. (Smeyer, that idiot, said she was anti-human in an interview once... W-T-F?) And I can't believe you dislike Jessica. neutral Moron-Sue got pissed off at Jessica in New Moon because she didn't want to die, or get gang-raped (whatever came first), so Moron-Sue could see Eddiekins in her mind.
Bella: *after* ok, we can go now.
Jessica: WTF is wrong with you?! They could have killed us! Are you insane? We're going home!
Bella: ... *thinks* Stupid human b***h...
I would love to have normal human friends like that, who don't sparkle or claim to be vegetarians when they eat animals instead of humans. Hell, I have friends like them.
(Also, please forgive any mistakes or things left out. I only read each book once, and re-living them like this is harsh enough.)
Part 1: Stephenie Meyer
1. The woman cannot write. It's sad, but very true. Sure I let book one slide, but that was a horrible mistake... I finished Twilight and thought, "It wasn't too bad, I think, (from an 'I just wanna read something new' stand point)... Well, she's also just starting out, maybe the second one will be better!" I was wrong. New Moon disgusted me, I can't even bring myself to call Eclipse a book, and Breaking Dawn was a welcome end to a crappy series.
Now, some people would wonder, "Alex, if you hated the books so much, why did you keep reading them?" There are two reasons:
1. Unless it's a manga, which have the possibility of continuing until the writer/animator dies, I can't not finish a series. I literally HAVE TO know what's next.
2. Twi-hards would probably b***h about me hating on them without reading them all...
2. Smeyer's research failed on practically all counts. Examples include:
Isle Esme: There isn't one
Brazil's West Coast: There isn't one
British history coinciding with Carlisle's becoming a Sparklepire: There were no sewers at the time, and witches were hanged
Confederate Army age requirement and Jasper: Average age was 16-28
The Quileute Tribe: Talk about a written bitchslap. She got a whole group of people in one crippling swing
Extra chromosomes: (speaking of crippling) Extra chromosomes mean birth defects, not superpowers
The Money: Alice's bribe in New Moon was worthless seeing as Euros have been used since '02. Plus, 1,000 Lira = about $0.75 American cash.
Snowflakes: They have six points.
Wolves: They don't live in Washington.
Laws: It's amazing how many her characters break...
Mythical creature lore: Come on! Really? The only research done was when Bella looked up "vampire" on her computer? Fail. Also, it's been said she never read any vampire books, watched many movies, or did much else that would have helped her. She doesn't like "scary movies". Grow UP, woman!
It is actually "ok" to use the excuse "POOF! Magic, it works." if you can't think of something.
3. She based the whole story off a dream, which leads me to believe that she really thinks she is Bella. How creepy is that? It would also explain why no good characters die, why it's completely about stalker-love (with a few bad plots thrown in for the hell of it), and why the only characters with real stories are the three inside the love triangle. Few good books are based off dreams, and even those have a riculous amount of work put in to make them great.
4. The series seems really... whitewashed. I've noticed a lot of the non-caucasian in the movies were not so in the books, save the Quileutes. A great example is Laurent. In New Moon Bella's at the cottage and for a second thinks she sees Edward, but when she focuses she realizes that it's Laurent in the sunlight.
5. The "brother in shining armor" is extremely annoying. Smeyer needs to man up and take some well deserved criticism for this catastrophe, and I don't mean just the obvious things like Stephen King's very public comment. I also heard she has kids, what kind of example is this for them?
End Note: Sure, from an "I just want to read something" stand point, Twilight was pretty good. But once it crossed over to a sequel, then a series, it plummeted down hill.
Part 2: Twilight
1. I think I'll start at the beginning, Vampires. Everyone keeps saying one of twothree things, "They're not vampires! Vampires don't sparkle!" or, "Yeah they are! They drink blood!" even, "It doesn't matter, they don't exist..."
Fact: They ARE vampires. They consume blood.
Fact: They are NOT vampires. They're elves.
Fact: Both statements are right and wrong. (Go ahead and test me on this, I have an encyclopedia on the subject...) This is due to the third response.
Vampire lore has indeed evolved over the centuries, and there were real life vampires, such and Vlad the Impaler, Elizabeth Bathory, Clara Geisslerin, Peter Kurten... (the list goes on). The main issue though is once again Smeyer's neglect of lore. NO, you can't throw random things together and label it as an existing creature. Almost all current vampire myths have at least several things in common with one another, and if they don't they usually go by some other name.
Smeyer's vampires are go like this; elf + stone + blood drinking = vampire. Notice how I plugged "elf" into the equation. That's because modern (however you figure modern) elves are known as startlingly beautiful, graceful, creatures. They are often clumped with/split between other much-like creatures, such as light elves, dark elves, dwarves, gnomes, faries, pixies... the list goes on! So look at these groups, vampires and elves. A lot in common with this one, only one with the other, which is why I call Smeyer's creation Sparklepires. That's fair, right?
2. The instant love was bothersome, mainly because of how Smeyer pulled it off. Anyone who knows a thing or two about relationships could tell EdwardxBella was based solely off looks, and smell (as if that's not creepy or anything...), and therefore is more qualified to be called "lust". Most of Bella's thoughts are about how hot Edward is and how plain she is next to him, even though most of the guys in her new school flock behind her and the girls are a bit jealous of her fair skin. (Random: I really think Bella would have made a better vampire than Edward. She was from Arizona and looked like a ghost, which is really hard unless she's secretly an albino/ginger. (I'M ginger, and I'd get a tan in that weather.))
3. The sleep watching was really creepy. Watching a newborn baby sleep is "aw and curiosity", breaking into a house and watching someone who isn't even your girlfriend sleep is not only weird, but I'm pretty sure all states have some sort of law against that type of behavior... And then there was the obvious physical, mental and emotional abuse throughout all of the books. Rough grabbing, cutting Bella off from her friends (even though she hardly wanted to see them anyway), making snide comments and treating her like a child are all constant examples that are twisted into a "representation of their forever-love".
4. Sparklepires... oh, the lulz.
5. I can honestly say I had never heard anyone edit the Mary-Sue nickname for any book/movie/show before Twilight. It was kinda funny...
6. By the looks of the (crazier) fan base and their reaction to the book, I'd say it has successfully hacked at years of progression in women's rights, stopping *****, stopping abuse, family building, and whatever else is relevant.
7. Had Edward just let Bella change near the end when James had bitten her, we would have been saved from three more books of crap. But no, Smeyer had to whore her talents. Not cool, man.
And that's all I can think of for Smeyer and the first book. I'll add more later, maybe... if my eyes stop burning burning_eyes
Twilight Science
Ok. Here we go on explaining "Smeyer birth".
Girl(egg) + Guy(sperm) = baby
The above equation is birth in its simplest form. How Smeyer could ******** up such a simple equation... we'll never know. Until we look at the problem head on and just think, not even hard thinking, just "what the hell did she do?"
Smeyer's birth equation:
Sparklepires can't have babies
Girl(egg) + Vampire(venom) = hell-baby
Girl(egg) + Vampire(venom) = hell-baby
W-T-F, you ask? So did everyone else. We will start at the beginning.
Reproduction: Edward TOLD Bella sparklepires can't have babies, but for the sake of Bella-sue being perfect, Jacob looking like the biggest a*****e in the world, and screwing over the loyal fans, Smeyer made an exception and broke her own canon* to make this possible.
Sparklepire Anatomy: Aside from them being dead, and therefore unable to have kids in the first place, sparklepires are giant diamonds that shouldn't be able to move without shattering and dying instantly. She claims the reason for the sparklepires not shattering is because their "venom" lubrcates EVERY CELL IN THEIR BODY, and takes the place of every liquid the body needs to function. Bullshit.
What they lack:
Heart beats
Blood
Blood flow
Semen
Warmth
anything and everything needed to make a baby, but a p***s
Blood/Heartbeat: Smeyer says that not only do sparklepires lack a beating heart, but the blood they consume "goes the ways of the old circulation" or some crap like that.
This = Impossible/more bullshit
Ignoring the other impossibilites riddling these statements, without a heartbeat, all of that blood would pool in the sparklepire's ankles. Without a heartbeat, Edward also wouldn't be able to get a proper erection to make babies with.
Venom: Sparklepire venom causes a horrible burning sensation when it enters the bloodstream. We know it causes a massive amount of pain when changing, melts contact lenses after a few hours, and then she added the wonderful nugget that the venom carries DNA as well. Bullshit.
If the vemon carries DNA then there shouldn't be any female sparklepires. The venom visits every single cell and changes it into a tiny facet. This includes eggs. Once the DNA hits the ovaries every single egg would be fertilized and grow, killing the she-pire.
And if this venom/acid takes place of semen as well, it's safe to say that s**t'll burn right through Bella's uterus and kill her/turn her/both.
Sperm: We all know the sparklepires are dead. Knowing that, it should be obvious that they have no sperm. But since we're using Meyer Logic, of course they can have it! In the form of acidic venom/sperm mutation.
But alas, frozen semen needs to be gradually warmed or risk being killed off. Bella's dramatically different body temperature would zap those swimmers like a can of RAID takes care of ants.
It also leads into my next point.
Warmth: Sparklepires are remarkably cold for corpses, which I find ironic. Normal corpses, no matter how cold they are to begin with, will eventually warm up to room temperature. But, seeing as they're sparklepires, they don't. Which also causes a problem.
Sperm, successfully frozen, rests at a temperature of -320.8 degrees Fahrenheit. This means Edward's body temperature would have to be the same, all the time. Bella would die of shock just by touching him, imagine the pain of sex... she would freeze to death from the inside out.
None of this even touches the birthing problems they'd have. Like Nessie having two extra chromosomes in every single logic-defying cell.
I'm going to stop here for any possible questions/comments now.
*Canon: Stone set rules all writers use in their stories, meant to never be broken for risk of making one's self look like a complete dumbass.
Twilight morals
Those... seem like odd morals for what I saw. neutral I thought it was "stay in the kitchen", "hate blondes for being blonde", "you're worthless if you can't make babies", "anything you can do a man can do better", "child-grooming is ok if it's tru wuv", and "you're only worth talking to if you're obnoxiously beautiful"...
In twilight, when Bella first arrives, she's suddenly cooking everything, doing laundry, etc. because apparently for the past 17 years Charlie just barely scraped by like a monkey with dynamite. Plus, she's the biggest freaking klutz who can't do anything right, until she has the perfect hell-baby. Then in the battle we didn't get to see in the third book, we find out the only real injuries were sustained because Leah screwed up, because women can't fight, obviously.
All of the blondes are either assholes, or they aren't allowed to have any sort of happy ending. (except for Jasper, then again he's a male sparklepire...)
ex. Rosalie is a total b***h, until we find out she was raped. Then again the only reason she likes Bella after that (which by the way was a very stupid piece of character derailment) is because she wants to all but steal the hell-baby.
ex2. Mike is possibly the only guy who doesn't get his "tru wuv", and suffers a sudden case of "i'm-a-d**k syndrome" in the second book for no reason.
ex3. Lauren was the awesome, pretty, popular blonde girl at "Forks High School". She was also the only one to not automatically love Bella for no reason when she entered the state. And for that, she was punished.
She got caught up by a modeling agency in the mall who said if she paid them in advance, got a haircut and took some head shots, she could be a model. Obviously she does all of this, only to find out it was a scam. Making the moral "Blondes are evil, gullible, and stupid. Don't trust them."
There are more examples, but three's enough.
Leah states, somewhere in Eclipse or Breaking Dawn, that she felt like a useless nothing because she couldn't have a baby, like Bella. No one contradicts this statement either. She's painted as a genetic dead-end because she's a female meyer-wolf that can't have kids and is going through early menopause, and all the other characters can focus on is that she's annoying for bitching about that, and the fact that Sam, her would-be fiance, ditched her for her cousin, who he horribly disfigured in a fursplosion.
Rosalie also feels useless because she can't have kids, which is why she's all over hell-baby. She wasn't protecting Bella, she was protecting Nessie.
Oh, and Esme tried to kill herself after her baby died, as if that didn't happen A LOT in her time period.
Again, the fight in the third book. The guys are doing a great job fighting, and suddenly it goes to hell when Leah gets herself and like two others injured. Alice, Rosalie and Esme aren't really allowed to fight either, and could their powers be more useless? Rosalie's strength isn't as good as the average sparklepire, Esme has never-ending love power, and Alice's power is hardly helpful when it's needed. But Emmett's crazy strong, Jasper's power explanation defies logic (real or meyer-logic), Edward has the coolest power of all of them, and Carlisle is just... godly, kind of...
The coolest useful female characters are either evil, or they're evil and they die. (Jane and Victoria)
Jacob and Quil... what the hell? I thought Quil was a nice-guy character, then he falls in "tru wuv" with a freaking toddler. And Nessie was only created for two reasons.
1. Bella could be perfect and give Edward the perfect baby.
2. Jacob could have "tru wuv", because he just couldn't fall in love with Leah, who can't have babies. But when you think about it, neither can Nessie! But she's a perfect sparklepire-sue so it doesn't matter.
The way Bella treats all of her human friends, or humans in general, even though they're absolutely in love with her once they set eyes on her Bella-sue face. No, she goes for the perfect sparklpires who want nothing to do with her. Then when she becomes a sparklepire, she totally knocks Rosalie out of "the most beautiful" first place.
Just ask if I need to reinforce some places.
Twilighter
I believe that Bella asked to take over the household duties, seeing as Charlie didn't know how to cook much more than scrambled eggs. She was a klutz until she became a vampire - Renesmee was not the cause of her newfound grace. And admittedly, Leah screwing everything up is a bit sexist, but wasn't she also the one who killed the newborn who caught Edward and Bella's scent before they could even turn?
Because Charlie couldn't do anything for himself. Really, how did he live?
The lack of being a klutz after changing is simply so she could be even more of a Bella-Sue. Clumsiness is almost a -Sue trademark.
About that, Smeyer seems to think a few redeeming moments will fix everything. It doesn't.
Twilighter
As far as I know, there were only four blondes in the story - Rosalie, Jasper, Carlisle, Lauren, and Mike. . .and perhaps his mother and Royce King. Out of those, only two were horrible people. Lauren was supposed to be a stereotypical popular b***h, not a stereotypical blonde, and although Rosalie isn't a great person, she also isn't a brainless ditz, as blonde girls stereotypically are.
There's a thing though. In high school, Smeyer was miffed by blondes, who were all popular, pretty, and just cool. While she was a brown haired wall flower. She was happy in college because the blondes there were more focused on studying than being cute, and she got more dates, which she contributes to the lack of pretty blondes. I think this explains Lauren well.
Jasper was a male sparklepire. Carlisle created them all, so he just can't be a dumb blonde. We randomly find out that Rosalie likes learning about cars, but that doesn't cover up the fact that she hates Bella for no real reason no matter how you cut it. Mike wasn't a horrible person. He suffered from character derailment, which was totally unfair. And his mother is hardly mentioned, but I think Bella wasn't a fan of hers anyway (again) for no reason.
Twilighter
I don't recall Leah saying that she was a "useless nothing" because she couldn't have a baby. I know that she was worried that she was less of a woman because she was the only female in what was supposed to be a males-only tradition. I don't recall Rosalie calling herself useless. She was just jealous. And it doesn't matter if it happened a lot - do you think that would have been a comfort to Esme? Don't worry about it, it happens all the time?
It's implied enough, and no one keeps her from thinking this way. It's actually in a pep-talk between her and Jacob.
And I know Rosalie doesn't say it, but you can tell how she feels by the way she treats Bella when she's preggo.
No, actually. If my girlfriend had a baby and lost it, I'd probably cry harder than her. (I want like ten kids so... and she wants a niece) But really, Carlisle bonded with her because she tried to kill herself like he did? A lot of Bromance-fan antis are pretty sure Esme is only there to keep Carlisle from looking gay, which would never work in Smeyer's books. It would also be blasphemy if Carlisle didn't have his own "tru wuv".
Twilighter
Where does it say that the female Cullens were not allowed to fight? Alice was shown to be exceptional at fighting, despite her size making it seem to be the contrary. Granted, Esme's power is lame, but then, so is Carlisle's. Where does it say that Rosalie is weaker than most other vampires?
Ok, you got me, my brain's a little fuzzy on that... But really, could Alice be anymore useless when it comes to being something more than a fashionista? Her "great fighting" is thanks only to her future seeing power, which I guess is only awesome when she's fighting or needs to cheat on wall street.
...Carlisle has a power?
Again, it's implied. It says somewhere that she's the weakest of the bunch or something... And if I'm wrong in that, look at her. She beautiful and angry, that's it. No super power, no distinguishing features other than liking cars...
Twilighter
Quill and Jacob are not in love with their imprints yet. Right now, they are just devoted to making them happy, serving their every whim, and being their best friends or big brothers. It may seem creepy at first, but in reality, it isn't.
A rock, is a rock, is a rock. That's child-grooming. Child-grooming is a form of *****. Imprinting=creepy.
And what's up with imprinting? The girl being imprinted on has no choice in the matter. She gives in to his "loving determination and dedication". A great example is Emily. She said no to Sam, Sam got angry and fursploded, scarring her for life, and she lies to her whole family and says a bear did it, then never talks to any of them again. Popular opinion is that she's still in shock from the attack, or she just doesn't want to risk meeting death again. Notice how she turns in a robotic stepford wife?
Twilighter
I cannot defend the fact that Jacob imprinted on Renesmee instead of Leah. I cannot even defend the fact that he imprinted at all, after he said that he didn't want to - he wanted to choose who he was going to be with. Heh. . .that went right out the window. I'm sure Renesmee could have babies. . .she's half-human, after all, and Meyer would never deny her anything.
I blame Smeyer, who's whacked in the head or something... And high chances are that Nessie can't, and it would be stupid for Smeyer to say she can. As it stands, Nessie has not one but two extra chromosomes. Extra chromosomes lead to deformities and partial or full sterility. Mating with Jacob, who has 24 of his own, would be like throwing gasoline on the fire, if they were to have kids...
Twilighter
Granted, the way Bella treats her human friends is a bit annoying. . .but Angela is the only one I really feel sorry for. Most of them are either boring (i.e. Eric and Mike) or irritating (Jessica). Why would anyone want to be friends with them, I wonder? And you have to keep in mind that she states that she doesn't relate well to other human beings.
Angela is very sympathetic, she too is painted as a girl who can't defend herself when Edward "hits on her" and Eric comes to her "rescue" by saying she was going out with him, instead of asking if she would rather go out with him.
Eric and Mike are real characters that could have been a lot better had they been introduced as sparklepires. (Smeyer, that idiot, said she was anti-human in an interview once... W-T-F?) And I can't believe you dislike Jessica. neutral Moron-Sue got pissed off at Jessica in New Moon because she didn't want to die, or get gang-raped (whatever came first), so Moron-Sue could see Eddiekins in her mind.
Bella: *after* ok, we can go now.
Jessica: WTF is wrong with you?! They could have killed us! Are you insane? We're going home!
Bella: ... *thinks* Stupid human b***h...
I would love to have normal human friends like that, who don't sparkle or claim to be vegetarians when they eat animals instead of humans. Hell, I have friends like them.
