Everything past this point was typed on the posted date (and was marked as private), whereas all of the above was posted on Aug 19, 2010 (and was on that date made public).
I have been meaning to come up with a list of the things that I think are wrong with me. It may sound silly, but I want to do it as a form of organization and recognition. I am not happy with how I have been running from it all for so long and creating excuses to how it could be normal. I want to get help, but since I can't right now I want to try to help myself. I think this will help. They probably won't be in any rational order, but I think that's ok.
I would also like to lighten the mood of this entry with things that I think are good, or that I am confident about. In other words: things I like about myself.
I sort of just want this to be an entry of my head. So I might just include things that I like because I often have trouble identifying things that I enjoy. Or sometimes I will be unsure of my feelings towards something.
This is all completely honest. I am typing this with the idea that nobody else will ever read this so that I can write my true feelings without worrying about pleasing or displeasing anyone.
Ok. Let's start with the bad...
]=Things that are wrong=[
These are the things that I feel are wrong with me... I wish to identify them in writing for reasons I can't entirely explain.
I am afraid to contribute to conversations for fear of saying something: that someone does not agree with, that may sound unintelligent, out of line (ie: they didn't want me to take part in it)
If someone asks a question that I am certain I know the answer to, I will look it up before answering (but it's usually too late by then, and someone else has answered)
I am afraid to ask questions because I do not want someone to ridicule the fact that I didn't know it - so I look up the answers on my own. This causes me to get angry at people who ask questions they could have easily researched on their own.
I would like to wear nice looking clothes that fit me (ie: aren't baggy and shapeless) but I am afraid that someone will look at me and ask themselves or their friends why ugly people think they have the right to wear form-fitting clothes. However, I don't care at all what other people wear, even if I happen to find them unattractive.
I am terrified to call people on the phone. I will pace, sweat, and procrastinate for hours before I can finally force myself to push the dial button. If I am under a time limit, I will cry because of the pressure. And if the call does not go according to plan, I will cry.
If I spend time working up the courage to do something (like calling someone) and I am laughed at, ridiculed, or turned down, I become extremely depressed and discouraged. I wrongly believe that because I spent so much time preparing, that I deserve respect or a positive outcome. Or maybe it is that I worked it up so much, and become angry with myself. Or both.
When I am in a group of people (say for a group project at school) I feel like a creepy giant, and think that my voice is manly and deep. This makes me feel like everyone is looking at me like I'm abnormal, and not a woman. If I happen to be wearing men's clothing, I will feel like I am getting questioning looks about my gender. If I am wearing women's clothing, it is the same, just about my sexuality as well. Just overall feelings of awkwardness and largeness.
I am terrified of being wrong in nearly any situation. Actually, I can't think of one where I am not afraid of being wrong. So, any situation. But this can link with the research one as well as the conversation contribution.
If writing an email, a comment, letter, etc, I will read it over and over again until I can not think of any other way to word it more intelligently. I am afraid of leaving out details and confusing the receiver. I feel that they will think I am dumb and think less of me, and ask me what I meant. I sometimes won't even send it, regardless of the time I put into it.
I am afraid to reply to emails, comments, etc that I receive because I think that the person might not care to hear from me again. Unless they ask questions, I will only begin a response in my head- and not reply. But often times I convince myself that they would prefer silence on my end.
I am very bad at picking which details in a story I am telling are unnecessary. I think this makes people get bored (or confused) of speaking with me very quickly because of all the excess (or shortage of) information.
If someone offers me something, I am certain they are only doing it out of obligation. This is why I nearly always refuse, because they don't really want to give me whatever - unless I feel that I am at obligation to accept.
In nearly any setting, I feel that I do not have the right to speak without being spoken to. If I do speak, I feel that it could have been left unsaid and become afraid that people are wondering why I would think they wanted to hear it. This happens a lot with family, because I don't usually speak with other people.
In multi-player games (mostly online), I am afraid to play with others because I will slow them down or ruin the play for them because I do not know the game as well as them (even when they are new as well- or if I am a veteran). This is why I prefer to play alone. If someone tries to talk to me online, I will often pretend to be AFK for a long enough time that I think it would be believable. I have literally stopped playing for up to ten minutes because of this. I was afraid to say no, so I said nothing and let my status go to auto-AFK.
I don't think I can hold an intelligent face-to-face conversation anymore (if I ever could) because I have gone so long without talking to anyone. I [very] often forget which words to use and pause for a long time to try and remember. The pause makes me more nervous about talking, and it takes longer to think of it. This makes me feel incredibly stupid, and I sometimes toy (for lack of a more derogatory word) with the thought of being mentally challenged, but my parents never told me (and everyone knows and is nice to me because they pity me- but I think a lot of people have that thought sometimes). I think this may also stem from the fact that I type/write so much as a means of communication. My typing tends to be flowery at times, I think anyway, and I forgot how to talk normally?
I am afraid to move in front of people. I become very aware of my body when I walk past someone, and I feel that I am walking very oddly. If I need to pass in front of someone, I feel very bad because I will disturb or bother them with my loud steps. I feel extremely awkward. In short: I am self conscious of my movements when not alone.
I need constant reassurance that I am right or that I am welcome/wanted. This kind of hurts my relationship with Adam, and I'm sure it would hurt any friendships were I to have any because nobody wants to have to constantly reassure someone who should know they are wanted and welcome.
I have irrational thoughts of not being included in any group setting. If I am not being talked to, I feel that I am not wanted. If I am not looked at every once in a while, I feel like I am not wanted. Even I think it is silly, but when it is happening, I just feel very sorry for myself and want to disappear.
I will sometimes rush whatever I am doing, even if I am not finished, if I feel that there is a possibility of someone approaching me. Like at a grocery store for example. I may have a list of items to get, but if I feel that someone might talk to me, I will avoid where they are (even/especially if they are near my needed item) and leave as soon as possible. Later I will wonder why I felt that someone could possibly want to talk to me.
Even though I feel extremely unattractive/unappealing the majority of the time, I sometimes imagine that people are thinking good of me or possibly thinking of me in a romantic way. It is extremely irrational, and it leads to depression when I ask myself why anyone would think that of me.
Even with a solid "alibi", I can come up with dozens of possible (yet highly irrational) ways for Adam to have been cheating on me while he was not with me. This one, surprisingly, usually ends up well because I will tell myself that he would never and that he loves me.
I don't want people to think I am copying them. I can not identify why yet. But if I am doing something that I find enjoyable, but saw someone else do first, i will hide that i was doing it.
I don't like to play games with people I think of as very smart. I am afraid of losing and being lessened in their minds because of it.
I am sometimes unable to identify my personality. I feel lost and empty at these times, and try to adopt others that I find interesting (I usually "steal" them based purely on the appearance of random people). It is often short lived due to laziness and/or lack of funding for an entirely new wardrobe.
Even when it is very clear that people are offering things to people (like food at the block party this year- everyone was supposed to go around and eat something from everyone's house) I won't accept because I don't feel that I have the right to. I feel that I am below the other people who have already taken things. This goes away most of the time, if I am in a crowd where I am certain nobody is aware of my presence (figuratively speaking).
I have this magical power where I can turn any phrase into an insult to myself...
I sometimes can't remember the simplest things, even if it just happened. If someone is talking to me, I just can not seem to concentrate on their words unless I make a conscious effort to do it. If I were asked to repeat a phrase just stated, chances are I won't be able to. I also find myself being unable to comprehend verbal conversations because it almost seems like gibberish is coming out. This adds to my crappy conversation skills. It is also why I prefer to learn online, so I can teach myself and not worry about going blank during a lecture.
I am often afraid to post things on the internet. Like I mentioned earlier, I can spend ages on a reply or whatever, and end up not even sending it. This extends to things like my gaia and facebook status. I have more than twenty friends on facebook and gaia, and only one regularly talks with me (Matt). It makes me mad... but I accept the requests anyway because I knew them in high school or w/e, even if I didn't talk to them like ever. I guess I don't want them to think I'm full of myself for not accepting? For some reason, I will get random spurts of boldness. At these times, I'll tell myself that it's ok to share things with people, and I'll update my status to whatever. But... when that feeling dies down, and I don't get a response I will erase it and feel insanely conceited for thinking that other people wanted to know.
I suffer from inner conflicts when I cannot decide which person to please, and will usually just end up completely silent or inactive (if online).
If I am going out to meet someone somewhere (ie: Adam) I have to know the exact time and the exact location or I will panic. I will, for one, be insanely scared about the fact that I will be somewhere crowded with no knowledge of where I need to go next; and secondly I will wonder if I was stood up and create irrational situations in my head about being stranded in the middle of a bunch of people I do not know. If I am alone/waiting, I will act like I am looking for someone; but in all honesty, I can barely see anything because of my nervousness. I just look in a direction and see as though I were moving really fast (blurry, I guess?). But I think it's convincing, and it makes me think that nobody will approach me because I look busy.
I have to think hard and ask myself multiple times whether or not I like something. Whether it be a song, a show, a movie or a book, I sometimes find it difficult to recognize the feelings I have toward it.
I don't think of the consequences. I just don't.. I understand them, and I can even think to myself "oh, that's bad, and you don't want that", but I still just do not feel them. They don't feel real. It's hard to explain and type down, but this is the best I can do. It's the same with things like sadness in some situations. I mean, if someone I love were to die, I would be absolutely devastated. But those feelings don't reach out to other people. If there is a major tragedy, I don't feel anything for it. It's like it didn't really happen. But I guess that is just desensitization and being self-centered (which, I suppose I can add in now, I am terrified to be- yet feel is the explanation to many things about myself...).
Things that are stuck in my memory
These are memories that have really stayed with me from the day I got them. The reason I include them here is because they come back all the time in my mind, and I feel that they are significant in one way or another. I believe that each one of these memories has helped create and shape me somehow.
I was in the parking lot of Trader Joe's with my dad (that is where he always did his shopping, when I was over at least). I was probably no more than five. A friend of his saw him, and walked over to say hello, so my dad introduced me. But instead of a simple "This is my daughter" he introduced me and then said "She's real shy, but once you get to know her she won't shut up". I don't think I was old enough to realize that he was joking, so I felt really lame- like he didn't want me to talk so much. I was also unhappy because he initially said I was shy, eliminating any possibility of me feeling 'open'. Now, I feel like that all the time. If I am introduced as shy by someone, I feel that my "new beginning" is shattered.
It was in third grade I believe this happened. One of my two best friends, Anna, asked me to sleep over for the night and our parents agreed. She always took the bus home, so the parents decided to just send me with her. I carried around an extra bag filled with clothes the whole school day. It felt silly, but I was excited. When I tried to get on the bus with her, I was stopped by the driver. They asked me who I was and why I was there. They told me to go to the office because I couldn't ride that bus since I didn't have written permission from a parent. I cried, but walked back to the office and told them what happened. I had to wait for my mother to get to Riverbank (home) so that she could answer the phone, then for her to drive back to Oakdale (where I went to school) to pick me up. I felt incredibly embarrassed. How could I have though that was ok? She never asked me to stay the night again, and after that I was never comfortable with sleep overs. I always became anxious and wanted to go home.
It was fourth grade, and my best friend Elizabeth had moved to Arizona. I came back to school with glasses for the first time, and felt really lame about it. This is where I first notice myself pulling away from others. On this particular day, I was reading a book (diary form) about an African slave who learned to read from her master's daughter; I don't remember what it was called though. I was right outside the classroom, just waiting for recess to be over, when my teacher (Mrs. Jackson) walked up and asked me why I was alone. I just said "I'm reading". She said to follow her, and she walked out to the playground and found Erika, a girl in my class. She asked if I could play with her (and the other girls she was with) and she said yes. So, I climbed up the gym with them and eventually got forgotten (or felt left out). I picked up my book and went back. At the end of recess, Mrs. Jackson saw me there again and just sighed.
Seventh grade now (so 13-14?). It was fourth period history, just after PE, and we were doing a group thing. I had friends in seventh grade, and two of them were in that class, so we were in a group by default. Unfortunately, we needed four people, so the teacher placed another girl in our group. She was tall, and rather chunky. She would show people the deep cuts she'd make on her arms and tell them that it didn't hurt... Anyway, she was sitting across from me (we had placed our desks in a way so we were all facing each other) and was staring at me for a while. I asked her why she was staring and she said "I am sorry, but you are just so ugly! Your nose goes up like this" and she laughed as she pushed it up into a pig-like nose. My friends just looked at their desks, and I said "I know" and continued to work. Before that... I had never really thought about my appearance. I wasn't even wearing make up yet (that was next year). But that was when I started to think of myself as ugly. I am still really self conscious about my nose.
[= Things that are good =]
Confidence is power! <3
I write very well.
Sometimes, I think I actually look kind of cute when my face clears up.
I think my feet are cute, and not as ugly as most.
I would think my smile is cute if my face did not look so terrible as I did it, and if my teeth were smaller, straighter, and whiter.
I am an amazing bear tank. =]
Things that are enjoyable
I have trouble identifying things that I like sometimes, or I feel that I can't admit to them because it will make someone unhappy in some way. These are things that I openly and completely enjoy, things that I do not question.
Reading
Playing MMOs or any game [with or without Adam]
Writing can be a lot of fun
Organizing things/setting things up (like lego sets or a group of stuffed animals)
I like to clean sometimes.
Fantasizing about good feelings (like helping out around the house, or losing weight, or making friends, etc, etc)
Fantasy games
I like to imagine coming up with fun games (even though it can be frustrating because I never can)
I do like to listen to music at a low volume at times; usually when I least expect it.
I like to spend time with Adam, Matt, Kate, Sally, Vicky and Des.
I like to watch yuri.
