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[This sucks

I felt like s**t for the first time in in ages, I have tried my best to just be cheery like I have been for months now, but today just ruined it completely.

Today was supposed to be a happy day for me, I finished college, I got the highest grade I could get, I got awarded for the greatest achiever, I should be happy about all of those things. But instead I'm sad, and the reason is all the friends I have made, all the people I have loved and gotten to know for this whole academic year, they're all moving on, they all have different courses and I have to start from scratch yet again. It's always the same, when I make friends, they end up going away or I have to get away from them, and then I have to start from square one. I hate this goddamn routine.

I feel like i abandon everyone I once knew, I have trouble making friend, but the ones I do make I remember forever, I never forget those I care about. To sit here and watch as I am slowly pulled away fro them is the worst thing I have to go through, it's happened time and time again, and every time it happens a part of me just gets destroyed, and I feel like less of a person.

No matter how hard I try, I always lose people, I wish I could stop trying, just stop caring altogether. But that's not who I am. I need people, having no one makes me feel saddened, yet at the same time having a crowd of people circle around me is too much for me to handle, I need a small group of people who i can count on and who will be there for me, but most of the time that's too much to ask.

I'm starting to get tired of trying to help people as well. People convince me all the time that they can't be saved, that nothing can make them feel better and that they should be left alone. And I would really love to believe that, I would love so much to believe that nothing will help them. But...I can't do it, my nature will not let me sit there and do nothing while these people just rot away, yet at the same time every time I try to help I only seem to make things worse, yet I can't stop, as much as I want to my mind won't let me leave them alone, I hate it so ******** much.

i just wish the torment would end, I just wish all this s**t would leave me alone, and just get the ******** out of my life. but it's there, it's always there. Haunting me, playing tricks on me, waiting for the right moment to just screw me over. I hate it, I just wish I didn't have to feel this pain, I wish i was alone at times so I didn't have to care for anyone, then I wouldn't lose anyone.

This was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to enjoy my life for once, but instead, all the s**t I put behind me comes back in my face. I don't want this, but I have little choice.

We're born

We live

We die

I just hope I die soon before I feel anymore pain.