And now things are so much worse lately. Our family is falling apart and nobody is doing anything either because they dont know how or they aren't aware of the problem. But i see it. I could always see it. We are so ugly and ******** up. We are a poor excuse for a family, and I hate this.
And I sit in school and I think about what sorts of things I would write in my last letter, before I ended things. What would I say? How would I explain my reasons? Where would I leave it? Who would it be addressed to? I can't kill myself...that would be selfish wouldn't it? by why does that matter anymore, it seems to be the only thing on everyone else's agendas lately. No, I can't, and while there aren't any promises I can say that I strongly feel that I am not going to commit suicide. I don't even have the balls to cut or to drink or pop pills!! I've burned myself once, but couldn't do it again. Even if I WAS going to commit suicide I still wouldn't be able to do it. Maybe I should just get caught in the middle of some cop vs. bank robber shootout. At least then everyone would see it as an unfortunate mistake and it wouldn't be selfish. Only I would know the truth, and I would take it to my grave.
Anyways, the whole point of this journal entry, I need to get it out how I've been feeling for so many months, almost a year actually. But I haven't the ability to do it myself. Luckilly, I have the late Layne Staley to do it for me...
Core
"Self imprisonment
I suppose somewhere inside me
I yearn for freedom from
That which holds me stagnant
Overexaggeration turns underestimated
Emotion...
Emotion. Why the urgency to hide and
Slow the flow of that which could,
And perhaps will, improve, and
Heal the burning inside?
I am protecting my pain
It is mine
And I so badly want to keep my
Pain to myself
But, in doing so I am hurting
So many who cross me, or care for me,
Aching for love and acceptance,
Only to throw you down in the latter
Of our shared love
Yet anger and guilt not shared
Between me and you
You are blamed for all that is a
Mystery within myself...burning
Oh, I pray that I might someday
Throw a blanket over that angry
Child
If the strength is found within the
Core of my being
His tears soak my heart and
Weight it down
I am drowning, and I am tired,
And so very, very lonely
I am."
--Layne Staley
"Self imprisonment
I suppose somewhere inside me
I yearn for freedom from
That which holds me stagnant
Overexaggeration turns underestimated
Emotion...
Emotion. Why the urgency to hide and
Slow the flow of that which could,
And perhaps will, improve, and
Heal the burning inside?
I am protecting my pain
It is mine
And I so badly want to keep my
Pain to myself
But, in doing so I am hurting
So many who cross me, or care for me,
Aching for love and acceptance,
Only to throw you down in the latter
Of our shared love
Yet anger and guilt not shared
Between me and you
You are blamed for all that is a
Mystery within myself...burning
Oh, I pray that I might someday
Throw a blanket over that angry
Child
If the strength is found within the
Core of my being
His tears soak my heart and
Weight it down
I am drowning, and I am tired,
And so very, very lonely
I am."
--Layne Staley
I need help. But I refuse to go to my parents, I refuse to go to a friend, and I refuse to go to a councelor. I just look happy all the time, and I'll help anyone else with their own issues, but noone really knows everything thats going on in my head. I might tell different people little slivers of it, but never the entire story to one person. Maybe thats a good thing, maybe its leading to my demise. I really don't know, and i really dont care. I dont care about anything anymore. I really do hate being so apathetic and pessimistic all the time, but its how I feel. I'm not even living anymore, so whats the point of me being alive? I'm just a waste of space, a big undulating mass of flesh and bones, breathing everyone else's oxygen.
