Well, I'm in the library of my college. I need to work on my Comm 103 outline as well as my outline for english so I decided to just quickly eneter real fast to post something. The last time I posted something was in December I believe so its been a while.
Main reason why I came in was not give a quick review of my boring life but, to reflect on a past event that left me dead for three years now. As some of you might know, I use to have a lot of cats, people say that I'm going to become that one old lady that lives in that one house down the street with a hundred cats in my small little house but, no I'm not going to have that many, just two or three and thats it. Since I was little, I always wished on my birthday parties to have a pet, a cat in particular but, since my family and I lived in apartments, the owner of the apartments always said no but, as stuborn as my father, I still asked. Year after year, my wishes never came true. I remember one year that I was sitting infront of the television watching who knows what when I saw something black sitting infront of our screen door. I turned my head to see what it was and like a message from god that said "I was sent here by Jesus for a Miss Giselle Estrada" I saw my first ever pet cat. I walked over to the screen door (more like crawled over) and looked at it, its big, huge eyes starring back at me as if saying "are you gonna let me in or not?". I remember that I was eating a bolillo, a type of bread that one would normally buy at mexican stores and rarely in any other store, and I cut a pice of it off and slid it under the screen door for it to eat it. Greatefully, it ate it. I ran up to my mom who was in the kitchen cooking and told her that there was an animal at the door, she looked out the screen door and there it stood, starring at both of us.
My mom told me it was a cat and thought that it could have been hungry and might have smelled the food that she was cooking so, I quickly ran to the kitchen got another bolillo and went outside barefoot. I sat at the foot of the stair way and gave it breed. It was never afraid of me, in the contrary, it seemed pretty happy to know that someone was showing it love in a long while. I remember that my mom came out with a plastic container full of water for the cat. As it walked over to drink water my mom noticed that its tail was short, as if someone had cut it off half way or something. I remember I bursted out crying saying that I was going to be a good owner and begged her to let me keep the cat. She didn't hesitate as I thought she would have, she seemed thrilled to own a cat herself too. At that point, we needed to know the gender and give it a name. I, as innocent that I was back then didn't know how my mom knew it was a boy or a girl but, my first pet ended up being a female cat. Thrilled I decided to name her Luna, like the cat from Sailor Moon.
It might have been dorky or whatever you want to call it but, she was my Luna and I was the mexican version of Sailor Moon, I still laugh at those good old times.

As years passed, Luna became the older sister that I never had, and she defended my sister from dogs that would chase her. I remember that a pitbull had enter the apartment complex and my sister was freaking out. Luna was sitting at the top of the stair case waiting for me and my sister to return back to school when she saw that my sister was crying because the dog wouldn't leave her alone. Luna saw how scared she was so she ran down the stair case and attacked the pitbull. My mom hurried us into the apartment and Luna was left defending us from the dog. We looked outside our door to see if we would find the dog still there or not and instead, we found Luna, looking up at us telling us that the dog wont bother us anymore.

Luna was faithfull, and I had let her down by the time we moved to our new home.
My dads brilliant idea of getting my sisters fear away of dogs was to buy a dog that I let in with open arms, and Luna saw how I ambraced it instead of her. She saw how much we cared for it more than her, she how where it slept where she never slept, she saw how she was being replaced.
Little by little, Luna began to disappeare for days, weeks, even months. Until one night, she showed up, I happy to see her, asked her where she was all this time.
She didn't respone like she always did.
My mom had told me that night that she was eating that she was here just to say good bye to us, that her job was done. Tears swelled up in my eyes and as much as I didn't want to admit it, I pushed her away, so much for that childish promise that I had made her that time. I was never a good owner to her and she could see it. My mother went inside and I stayed outside, making her company as she was finishing eating. When she finished, she began to walk away.
At this point I would have called her name out and told her to not leave me, to please stay with me forever, that the day she died I would have done what the egyptians use to do when a cat died in the family, which was shave their eyebrows, moirn the loss of their pet and mummified the cat and send it to the temple of Bastet, the cat goddess. But I nevered called name out, I only watched her leave me slowly and walk into the moonless sky.

Much years latter, a daughter of Luna had two kittens, while the granddaughter of Luna had five kittens. The daughter of Luna disappeared and the granddaughter of Luna never even once feed her children. I decided to take them in instead.
I became their care taker, showing them love and affection. Although I knew that I couldn't keep them, I still needed to give them names, I didn't know what so, I named them after all my sins.
The two twins where named Sloth and Wrath, my fat eating kitty was named Gloutney, the manloving kitten was maned Lust, my little girl cat was named Greed (she and Gloutney fought over who ate the most), a simmise cat that showed alot of Pride over her blue eyes, and finally, my enviouse cat Envy. Although all my kittens allowed me to pet them and feed them, Envy didn't like me so much. He never once came close to me or wanted me to get close to him. He had good reason for it.
My father, fed up with cats yelled at me to get all the seven cats and put them in a box so that he could through them away. I couldn't do that and I couldn't say anything to argue with him. I sat in our living room as I heard him curse that he couldn't get any, fed up I stormed out of the house and called out all of their names. One by one, they walkied over to me happy to see me instead of the monster that was trying to grab them, when in reality I was the monster. I placed Sloth, Gloutney in the box first, their gaze confused at what I was doing to them. Then I grabbed Wrath and Greed, then Sloth and finally Pride. Each one was placed in the box and was dummped somewhere in a place that I could no go with.

I remember that I stood their crying as my dad drove off with my mom who was holding the box. Envy, was the only one that was safe. I remember that I turned around to look at Envy and for the first time, he didn't move, he just stood there. I remember that I had apologized to him multiple times for what I had done until I went inside and fell asleep crying.

Envy Began to grow use to me, the times that I would be locked outside, I would sit in the patio swing and wait for my mom and dad to get home so that I could get in and eat something, Envy would jump on to the swing and sit next to me until he fell asleep. I remember that he never once let me carried him or pet him, but at times like those, he was beginning to allow me to hold him. Envy and I were becoming like penut butter and jelly sandwiches, it was beginning to be a bond, a bond of friendship and not master and pet. One morning as my mom was drinking her coffee, she told me she had the most bizzare and erie dream, she had dreamt that Envy and Pumkin where killed right infront of our drive way, my dad over heard this and began to say "Thank you God, thank you." I just starred at him until he shut his mouth; never did by the way but still, that dream was grusome. Later on that day, my dad told us that we where going to a party at an uncles house, we didn't mind and so, we got ready. Right before I got in the car I saw Envy sleeping on the swing, just letting that Saterday morning go by.
Everything went peache good, until we were about to leave. My brother who at the time was just three months old was complaining for who knew what reasone and we didn't even know why, he began to cry and scream and we began to wonder if my dad would shut the H*** up and get to driving, but he never did, by the time my little brother stopped crying we were to late. My mother had told me that when a baby cries, it was because something bad had just happened.

Envy.

My mind was trying to keep itself from running to the idea that he was killed but, what else was I suppose to think. My dad decided to take a different route and by the time my dad got home, he directed his comment towards my mom.
" Hey, look, theres your dream that you had this morning."

I ask that if some do not wish to read this next part, that you can skip it, this alone would be a paragraph long, so I have warned and advice some of you that you may or may not read this paragraph. There in the ashphalt ground laid a pool of blood that was coming from an animal. Envy. He laid there with his eyes wide opened and blood ozing out of his mouth. I quickly got out of the car and ran up to the dead body. All I could do was just cry like the idiot that I was. My dad yelled for me to get back, to get back and get him a bag to grab the body and throw it away. I couldn't let him do that but he was still going to do it anyways. My sweet little Envy had the worst death he could have ever had, and now he was having his first class death barial. Food for the coyote's. I felt like screaming at my dad to give me Envy's body and let me bury him in the back yard, but instead I watched as he took my small piece of heaven away from me. I could see the blood still dripping from the bag and it brought pain and sorrow to my heart.

Now, three years after his death, I still argue to God, even though it is a sin to argue let alone question his divine power. I always ask why did he take him away from me without asking me? Why did he do that? He had already taken away Luna from me, why now Envy? Didn't he see that I was finally happy? Did he not see that I loved Envy and I still do, did he not see the tears I cried when I saw his poor body there lying? Did he not see how much my heart bleed that night that all I wanted to do was just sit in the exact spot I had first saw him? Why? I know that it is wrong to question him but, I can't help but ask why, I can't apologize to him because it hurts, I can't help but still cry as I write these words down on to this cyber journal. All I want is him back, outside the swing sleeping, not even looking up if I'm coming to scare him.
As I sit here in the library, writting this instead of my homework, I remember the first time Lisa showed me a picture of her friend Nick. Many people, even my mom said that he was hot, but I, instead saw his eyes, the exact same eyes that stared at me when we would talk to one another, or I talk to him and he just listen. I was afraid to whisper an Envy to him, I was afraid to call out Envy and he not turn around, I was frighten like the little girl I was. Nick knows that he is not my Envy, he can never be the Envy that I have lost, yet he tries. I hope that where ever he is and where ever God has my cat Envy, that they are both doing ok, because I want to see them happy and smilling in order to keep smiling for them.
Thank you Nick for being my Envy, although we'll never see eye to eye, the picture alone keeps hope in me that my cat Envy is happy chasing his mice that he would catch. Thank you for being my Envy.

Mood:Sad
Listening: The name of Life by Ayaka Hirahara and Joe Hisaishi(music box version)
Eating:Nothing
Drinking:Nothing
Watching my fingers through these blurry eyes