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Am I over sexed?
Am I fat?
Am I stupid?
Am I misunderstood?
Are my teeth white enough?
Can I sing?
Does my voice sound annoying?
Do I have any Talent in anything?
Is my Horoscope right about me?
All these questions keep poppin' in my head and I can do nothing but nit pick them apart and hope I survive myself.Which is hard because I'm 'unfairly hard on myself' according to some people. What should I change? Should I change?
So many questions I either don't want to answer and put them off or feel to bad that they are true and thus shield myself from myself with silly ideas about life being a bunch of roses. Wow, My journal gets more and more negative the older I get. I wonder if that's a part of life as well, Maybe since I stopped writing as much and got screamed at enough for trying to see the brighter side I finally stopped somewhere along the way and became like everyone else. Depressing and Boring stuck in a dead end job with no friends and no actual Hobbies besides sitting on facebook and remembering High school and 'What great easy fun times' used to be like. Ehhh-I really don't think I'm like that but the more I seek someone-Anyone- to quiet my fears about my ever impending self hatred I dn't quiet get the answers I like or that I think they're lying anyways. I wonder if it has something to do with me being hormonally unbalanced that makes me think like this one moment and then bouncing around yelling "Let's go Dye my hair blue!" the second. I can simply say it has something to do with a suppressed peter pan syndrome to make it simple, But not everything can be summed up in a single word. Love, Hope,Belief, Art, Creation, Nature, and several others words that mean so much more because of there implied meanings then anything else. They becomes more then simple words but represent things and ideas making them large and different from person to person. Love to my sister is being held and doted upon and having someone to dote upon with. To me it's having someone to share your likes and dislikes with, to want to protect and be with that person through thick and thin and...well....Have a best friend that I can tell anything too and can do anything with and not be ashamed of myself for anything. So I guess our definitions are the same, but they feel different in the way that we go about them. Granted we're different people but I've always wondered what makes a wrong or right decision and is it alright to think about them? Just pondering stuff can be like finding your unseen self but over thinking can really made me a nasty person.
Where do the ducks go?
Why do people have to die?
Why do people fall out of love?
Will She leave me because of me?
Who designed clocks to have one smaller hand and one larger hand instead of making them look differetn on a greater degree, Like color and shape? Seriously, and people wonder why kids have problems reading clocks.
Why do people memorize dumb things people say on a whim?
Why is there such things as Miniature dogs? What was wrong with the full size?
Do blonds have more fun?
What are the three B's and which one should I do Personally?
How can pain feel good?
So many questions build up and overtime I just end up ranting about it and life in general. Why are things the way they are anyways? I know I'm not the only one who thinks about it, but am I the only one who voices it out loud for the world to see pretty much? While I am a wishy washer kinda person, I don't like choosing sides I still like to try and get a stand on things and ranting helps me do that. What do I think about all these questions besides they are totally random and probably invoked by some evil tribal demon making my brain scream at it's self? I think that I have to get them out or my inner demons will eat me alive. They are needed for my survival mentally and emotionally and if I don't want to go on a rampage through the town dressed as Reptar or end up sleeping on the streets, cold, lonely and very much depressed due to building up my chakras with unneeded mess......
*Sighs and Takes a deep breath*
Why can't the world be made of kennex so I can put it all together....
I shall continue to ponder these until morning probably, but right now I think it best to find something to do with my hands to keep my mind from screaming as usual.