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I'm starting to think I may have made a mistake in taking all online classes.
For one, I really don't need an excuse to be in the house more. Another thing, and this is the major one, I am afraid that I will become overwhelmed. =[
I have to be a full time student in order to be covered by my parents' insurance, and that means 12 units. Most classes are 3, so that means four classes a semester. D=
But if I am not a full time student, that means I will have to cover myself, and well... that means getting a job. Something I haven't had too much luck with. I just don't know what to do. I know I'm going to stress out a lot if I take all of these classes online. But I just don't have the right personality for a job interview... The guy at Target practically laughed in my face. I should have just apologized and walked out. And the guy at Pizza Plus apparently didn't even have the guts to tell me that I sucked, so he just never called back... even after telling me I'd start in two weeks. =/
It seems that everyone else had someone they could turn to for this. Like, a family member or a friend of the family with their own business. The only friend of the family was that guy at Pizza Plus, and I know how well that worked out... Oh yeah, then there was that lady at Kohl's who told my grandma it would be no problem getting me on during Christmas time. Christmas time! I was available 24/7 and they still didn't want me during the busiest time of the year!
I'm going to be twenty in April, and I have never had a job. That's pathetic. I'm barely even going to school. And if I do finish school... what then? I don't know what I'd apply it to. But I can't waste all of my grandpa's money just to sit at home all the time. Even Adam is getting on to me about a job. He says if I got a job, we could afford a small apartment. I want that so bad but... nobody wants to hire me.
My aunts and uncles all go to their parents for babysitting, so that's out of the question. Libraries have all had major budget cuts, so they won't be looking for anyone to hire. I think that would be my only shot. An online job? I don't know how to go about getting those, and if I did, I probably wouldn't have the skills required. I just don't know what to do... Shiloh even has a job. =/ But we're very different people... I just hate how she complains about them calling her in on her days off. Does she really have absolutely no clue how lucky she is?! It makes me so mad. Seeing her be so fake and cheesy to people drives me nuts because once she gets home, she is just rude and bossy. She let it go to her head... But this isn't about that... Sigh...
What do I do? =[
I have tried looking up things like "jobs for shy people" and the like. A lot of people just say "Just go in there and pretend to be confident, and you'll do fine!"... it really makes me think that they really just do not understand at all. I guess it's easy to say, though. Just do it... yeah. Right.
Adam says he is worried about me. He says that if I don't get over this, people will walk all over me. He told me that I have to stop avoiding people at all costs and just face my fear. But it's so hard. =[ Why can't I just be alone? Why do I need to talk to them, it's my life... and I don't want them in it. But it's not my world. I don't like the idea of living my life as a fake person. I especially don't like the idea of living my life as a fake person for so long, that I feel comfortable doing it. To where I "become" that just because I've faked my way through it all. That sounds so awful.
I can buy things at stores on my own. I can say "thank you" and "you too" and "debit" or whatever. But I can't look them in the eye while I say it. I don't know why I can't, but even when I say I will, or when I am in a great mood, it's hard and I just say "whatever, it's not even a big deal" to make myself feel better about it. It's rude though, isn't it? I wouldn't know if people look me in the eye while I talk to them because I don't look at them, so I wouldn't know if I think it's rude or not. I dunno.
Whenever I read over these things, I feel so pathetic. Like I'm feeling sorry for myself, and maybe that's what it is. But I think that I spent so much time convincing myself that I was just being stupid to think that I had something wrong with me, and now I feel like doing that was stupid and that there must be something that isn't right.
I should think on this later. It's late and I get too blechy when I'm tired.