For the past few weeks, I've had the same thought roaming the abyss of my mind. The same thought that makes me fear what may happen if let go. Where is my life going? What will I do? How will I do it? I'm not a smart person. And I have the attention span of a rock. I've already failed two years of my High School education, and haven't even participated for more than 1/3 of my 3rd year. My mom does nothing about it, because she couldn't care less about where my life goes. I'm still a registered student of Mililani High, which is a two hour bus ride since I've moved. We live right next to Waianae High, but does she take time to transfer me? No...
Even if I were in school, would I still be capible of actually working to graduate? The fact I failed two years already keeps me down that I'd won't be graduating the same year as Nicole. How will I be able to find a well-pays job if I can't find the education which it ridiculously requires? Without working, how will I support us?
I don't look to become just another bum. But at the rate my life is going, it's the likely outcome. I have thought about dropping out, to study for a G.E.D. Exam. A G.E.D. is a diploma equal to a High School diploma, and can get me into college. But do I really have the focus to study such a book? To stucy, on my own, each and every course required and pass it? I have no one to help me, so can I really rely on myself?
I look everyday for something to motivate me, something to keep me moving. But everyday it's the same thing. The only thing I have to motivate me is Nicole. I want to have a successful life just so she can at an ease. So she wouldn't have to suffer misery like I would. I'm always scared that just because of my lacking education, my futile effort to work for a decent life, I'm scared that I'll end up losing her to my own failure. Who wants to share a life with an uneducated bum? I doubt anyone would, and it's that very reason why I'm scared.
I've always thought about a part-time job for the next couple of years. But really... what's the point now? I mean, I had originally thought it over so I'll have some money to work with after school. But now if I did such a thing, My mom would simply take and use my money to pay her bills. So once again, I find myself it a pointless loop hole. Really... what exactly would the point in working be, if what would be my earned savings would just be spent by that woman.
My life is a wreck, and an absolute mess. With every step forward, I take two steps back. At the rate it's going, I'll end up exactly like my father... A hopeless drunk who uses women until they're spent, then leaving them to live a hopeless life somewhere without anyone knowing where the hell he is. I utterly dispise him, and swore off I'd never be like him. But is it inevitible? No matter what I try, it never works the way I hope it to. Most of the time, life itself seems pointless.
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