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These Things I'll Never Say |
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Sibling Theory in each of these pieces
The older sibling is the guinea pig. If the older sibling fairs well as the younger sibling grows up, the younger sibling will eventually follow in the older siblings foot steps. If the older sibling does not fair well and endures hardship such as bullying, etc. The older sibling will grow up to be someone who doesn't care so much as to what others may think and will be more relaxed, in a sense. Plus the hardships may cause the older sibling to mature slightly quicker. In such cases, the younger sibling will learn from the experiences of the older sibling and take a seperate path leading to a more decent life opposite of the older siblings. In both ways the younger sibling will learn and fair well. But sometimes there is a flaw. If the older sibling endures hardship for the younger sibling to fair well, the older sibling is often misunderstood. Because of the older siblings past, the older sibling may act younger in a sense so to speak, with a dream to be the younger sibling. And other times the older sibling will try to act like the older sibling they are and because of the more childish side to them, it will appear as if they were "acting like an adult." Often times because the older sibling is misunderstood, the younger sibling may criticize and feel as if the older sibling was trying to "parent them" which is another often misunderstood concept. What I'm try to say is, when one trys to be like an older sibling to their younger sibling, they may get pushed away a lot, get told they're annoying, etc. Basicly, It comes down to this. The older sibling doesn't know how to be an older sibling because the younger sibling never really let them. Or, the older sibling knows how, but is blinded by the younger siblings actions and remarks and trys to change. Me? I gave up trying to change a long time ago and I came to accept this, but that doesn't mean I've given up trying to be a sibling. Hack, I may never figure out what my younger siblings ideal older sibling is, but I'll just continue to be myself, for my siblings sake and for mine.
My Hidden Soul, Or What's Left Of It i bare more of my soul
They're paranoid. They don't know when to trust me. They constantly try to take control. Mom is always busy with the dishes, laundry, etc. Dad is always lazing around, on the computer playing with numbers, and never wants to do anything. Sibling barely likes me anymore and only sticks around if it can't be avoided. Why do you think I shut myself in my room? Why do you think I'm always on the computer? Why do you think I stay away sometimes? They're the only ones who know how to make me hurt. Why do you think I like to be alone? They're the only ones who know how to make me feel useless and unnecessary. My friends from school, my friends in the cybertronic world. They've suddenly become the family i've always wanted. Will They take that away from me, too? Just like they stole my desire to be loved? Just like the way they stole my desire for comfort? I'm crying. I feel broken. Am I unnecessary? I want my memories and dreams to become real once more. I want to believe they can. Even though I know they won't. I want to be a small child again. But more than ever. I wish, I wish with all my heart. To be the Wind.
Say 'It's Okay' (song by FindTheWay) this is the side, i will never show
A pillow, I will hug. To soak up my tears. A stuffed animal, I will hug. To give me a face. A blanket, I will hug. To feed me it's warmth. But, nothing will ever hug me back.
When I was small and I fell down. Lift me up from, off the ground. Give me a kiss and hold me close. Say 'it's okay'.
When I was small and I cut my knee. Got me a bandage and made it clean. Give me a kiss and hold me close. Say 'it's okay'.
Look at me now. I'm falling down. My soul's in pieces and I'm frightened.
The ground is too bright. So I look up. I look at the sky. My heart opens up.
When I was small and I got scared. Turned on the lights and the world was there. Give me a kiss and hold me close. Say 'it's okay'.
Look at me now. I'm falling down. My soul's in pieces and I'm frightened.
The ground is too bright. So I look up. I look at the sky. My heart opens up.
Out come the tears, the pain, and sorrow. I know I'm alone. And tomorrow, it's not gonna change.
A pillow, I will hug. A stuffed animal, I will hug. A blanket, I will hug. But, nothing will ever hug me back.
Look at me now. I'm falling down. My soul's in pieces and I'm frightened.
The ground is too bright. So I look up. I look at the sky. My heart opens up.
Out come the tears, the pain, and sorrow. I know I'm alone. And tomorrow...
It's not gonna change...
It's not gonna change...
It's always the same...
Please say 'it's okay'...
Lost Self this is the side, i won't let go
Before I ran to my room to cry, I would let go out in the open, hoping they'd comfort me. But after the one time they scolded me for doing that, I'd always go to my room to cry, still hoping they'd come and hold me. But they never did. I rack my mind for a memory of comforting arms wrapped around my as I cry, but I can't find one. So instead I wrap my arms around me and hope a dream can come true. But you know dreams... They aren't real. So there I hold and rock myself dreaming for a lost cause. So I cry with my heart and soul. This is my reality.
The Letter this is my core
Until this family can learn to accept that I am no longer a child, there will be disagreements. I do not have control over this. I am 16, I am driving, I will be of legal age in less than two years. I have my own opinions, I make my own choices. As a child I followed blindly without question. You should have seen that changed years ago. You're my parents, not my nannies. I will make mistakes, I will fix them. You can't nor should prevent me from trying to grow up. This is your mistake, your error, FIX IT. You may have noticed I have problems about control, I don't like it. I will fight it when I believe I am in the right. I will give a logical reason and you need to understand or try. I don't know why you guys fight so hard against this. Is it fear? That I'm growing up? Trying to move on? That I no longer need you all the time? Is that why? I'll tell you now. When I say I'll be able to do something on my own, you need to trust me. And until you trust me, I certainly can not trust you. I'm not a robot. I am human. Start treating me like one instead of some malfunctioning tin can that's supposed to do what ever you say. My name is (disclosed), I am 16, I am my own person. P.S. You may feel offended, but I'm only defending myself. Right now, you have the weapon. Try to be reasonable and understand...
(A/N while this note explains my feelings, it is also suicide [LOL] to actually deliver it....) (A/N haha... my name is disclosed..... lol)
Acceptance will you accept it?
They fail to understand that in less than 10 months, I shall cease to be a child. I slowly try to gain control of my life gently but their grips are stubborn and blinded, unwilling to let me free if only a bit. I need not a loving yet worn mattress to catch me, should I fall. But loving yet soft clouds to ease and guide my way.
FindTheWay · Tue Jan 17, 2006 @ 03:47am · 1 Comments |
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