Night time...Yea. Just woke up. More like evening. But I didn't finish till night. These sentences have been edited, and need lots of revising. Readers that are not me: You may not understand some things. These are personal thoughts as they are passing through my mind, and as you should know, our thought patterns can mean something to the thinker, but not make sense to the audience xD
It feels like it's been forever since I had a vacation from school. My last vacation, and the vacation before that, and before that other one too didn't feel like a break; ever since I went to NY for the summer. I don't know what it was, but it feels great to actually feel like it's vacation. I really am just happy. Maybe that's why my sudden spurt to write so much as of late. Writing actually feels good....Oh crap, I hear birds. I'll give this journal a few paragraphs and be off to bed.
Got through editing and making some new arts for my sketch book. Worked with my Tria Letraset markers and inking pens (Copic brand inking pens that are very much the same as microns, except the tips feel tougher, and wont bend as easily.) Gotta make it all digital somehow though for the awesome demo-reel for 8th quarter review...though...I guess I'll be late on the 8th quarter, since I've just finished my 8th quarter yesterday. Gosh, 2 years in school already . ^ .
Have met some interesting people. Though I wish I could click with more of them like I did with my mates in high school. It's not that people don't like me. My first quarter, I'm a tad embarrassed to say that a lot of kids (guys really) liked me. Rusty being one of them. But they liked me cause of my looks .__. hence my embarrassment. Thats why I'm happy I met Rusty Josh and Niko-Kitty. I attracted them in speech class at first because of my awesome orange beanie. I still remember Niko-Kitty saying "OMIGAWSH ! Hat !" xD
We started hanging out the day the teacher brought in the keyboard. It was the day we had to talk about a talent. Rusty's was playing music with his nose /swt. I think I thought the class how to play DDR. Or maybe that was another class. But anyways, after class, the teacher left the keyboard on for a bit, and I started playing some game music - Final Fantasy and Zelda - so Josh went fanboy over the playing, and Rusty followed after a long with Niko. Then conversation about trying to steal my life juice happened, and they ended up dragging me to the computer labs to play Warcraft 3 - was never really into warcraft. I'm a StarCraft gamer* It was still fun, even though I failed a lot, so Russ tried helping me out, though even then, I still failed. Went out to eat lunch together. Ebi was also there. If not that day, then the next day we hung out, she must have been there.
But ever since that day, that was my group. Jordan soon joined as well.
Around November, Russ started showing those signs, and I knew then that he had something for me. I was still reluctant since I had just met him, and just left it as the new found (and happily, I can say) sincere friendship. I was sick, and he bought Vapo-Rub for me.
What made me laugh, (on the inside - didn't want to embarrass him) was his attempt to invite himself over to my place. I had brought Grave of the Fireflies to school for us to watch with the group. We all sat on the couch and watched it on the laptop...and he kept sort of snuggling slightly closer to me /lol. We never finished the movie, but he kept talking to me about finishing it, and saying, so why don't you invite me to watch it over at your place? (Ahahaha, the way it happened though xD It was so fresh of him) But I invited him. He seemed safe and all. Not like most other guys who had their eyes on me at the time /swt Turtle /couch /swt
When he came over at last (initially to watch grave of the fireflies), I don't recall how the day went, but we never did watch that movie...and till this day, he never showed interest in watching it either ;& ...that b*****d...said it just for the invitation.
Spend many good days at school and out of school for a while. Got to know each other, and by now, Russ Josh and Niko had discovered my arts. I was drawing my old avatar, Fianna in her old black and white G-Blade outfit. It came out good, and since Russ was just so fascinated by it, I started making one for him. Then December came. I was off to NY by December 14th-17th-ish. By then, I was already feeling attached, and felt reluctant to leave for NY when I had these new awesome friends, and a "curious puppy-love", I dare say for this person. Before I left to NY, Ebi had invited me to play a new MMO by aeria games, DOMO. Dream of a Mirror Online. It was cute, and I liked it, so I invited Rusty to play with us.
It was one of our 2 means of communications during winter break. We mostly communicated through Gaia PMs. A few times daily. Mostly at night - so many late nights for me cause of the 3 hour difference, but I wanted to talk to him and play DOMO together, so I stayed up, as did he. We got to know each other more through the PMs. Usually had serious conversations about each other, like what I want, expect, believe, etc.
Then in DOMO, we discovered the game had an option to have a love relationship between 2 characters - and with that comes special skills. He seemed to act so shy about it, but after a while of unconscious implications, he said he wanted to be my soul mate in the game. I suppose it was his reluctance and implications that made it seem just so much full of cute. I dunno. I hope he reads this, so he'll be all full of embarrass.
Vacation was almost over now, and I was due to come back. He told me he wanted to through a sort of mini welcome party. More like a hangout with our little group, but everyone was busy, so it was just me and him. January came. We had some hangouts here and there, and by then, Josh and Kitty were acting funny. Firstly, Josh and Russ both asked me while walking towards Josh's car, if I had a boyfriend, so I told them my history. I just said I wasn't into that, so no. The first "relation" was childish, and I call it fail, so I never really mention it. Though it was cute. I was 12...honestly. Thats when I learned that I wasn't into it.
Then this one time, Josh and Kitty both were talking, and so Niko was like "I'm not crazy enough to date Russell" and then they asked me, "Do you like him?" I blushed all over on the inside, but said nothing really. Maybe they knew my feelings. They did know about Russell though. I was still keen on keeping a friendship. I always take that pessimistic view when I actually like someone, like, maybe they don't like me - even if they're as obvious as the others I knew for sure-sure did. So I didn't say anything to them.
I think my roommate by now knew my feelings. &3 love you Mir &3
She practically knows me in and out afterall .__. /swt.
[Oh gosh, I'm feeling butterflies in my stomach typing all this. I feel the same puppy love; the same as I felt during the events that I'm describing. It feels so good. Now I really can't wait to see him again this monday when we hangout. Or if he stops by to sleep over tonight again or something. I can't wait for the next time I see him.]
So yea, Kitty and Josh were really acting funny. Russell was the same funny guy as ever, very detailed in what he did for me, and very considerate and a wonderful gentleman. He never pushed any feelings onto me like the other guys did. *One who went as far as buying me a yellow flower with red rims...swt...swtswtswtswt. He remembers that event. It was just sad and fail.
But then January 18 happened. We argue on our anniversary because of this.
It was a thursday night, or rather, an early friday morning, and we were up late. Really late. We were discussing online on MSN on a hangout between just me and him at the Galleria mall. Maybe a movie? And then the Conversation happened.
He had told me weeks/months before how shy and fail he was with women. How he never had guts for them. [And it's true. You will see why in a moment.]
We spoke about the meeting and were all excited. I never really went to the Galleria. Just once with my roomie and her dad and little brothers. So the conversation then went on to the whole "I'm really tired (he was)" bed-time, nighty night thing, see ya tomorow ending.
But then I typed something. I can't remember for the life of me what it was, but it must have been about "feelings" because I remember his response. He said, no, now I'm wide awake, keep going, I want to know more. So I told him, I have a secret. Then he told me, I have a secret too. Then he said, I think I know what yours is. And I said, I think I know what yours is too.
Then he said "So, lets say that what I think yours is is true, and what you think mine is is true...then what?"
There was a long pause after this. A long conversation pursued along the same lines, and he was being just sooo stubborn about not telling me bluntly !
So I told him. I told him loud and good. I said to him "Dammit Russ! You're my crush !" He responded somewhere along the lines of "What? You're mine too !" And then he had an anxiety attack so he was quiet for a while until he finally recovered and was capable of typing again. *That's when he taught me that he suffered from these attacks.*
All in all, I was the one to have to come out and admit the feelings since he was too "not manly" enough to do it - and to this day still gets made fun of by Josh and whoever else hears the story -
So he told me his intentions on saturday, he was going to finally man up and tell me his feelings. Oh well ~
It worked out just fine this way too I suppose. It's more fun.
I can only fall in love when it's requited. I never felt puppy love as strong as I did for this boy. I could only feel it so strong as I feel it because deep down, I always knew he felt the same way too ever since it bloomed in us. Kitty once told me that on his part, it was love on first sight. She knew him more back then, so I assume they had their conversations. He tells me other things though to keep his pride. He felt embarrassed when I told him that his signs were quite obvious to me.
First love experience for the both of us.
We never had someone like each other in our lives. It was a strange new fun experience.
Our first date was Saturday. January 19 2008. It's debated on it being either the 18 - the day we talked, or the 19th - the first date. I still say the 18th. The coupling was agreed on that day after all. We watched I Am Legend. Had that fast japanese food at the Galleria before the movie. He learned then that I have a small stomach. Had to throw away the food to get in the theater and I got hungry fast. He learned then that I get hungry very soon after eating my tiny portion.
It was cold. January was cold. He gave me his Inuyasha track jacket to wear. Boy did it smell like never-washed boy jacket. I didn't say anything. Didn't want to make him feel bad. I get him for it now though. We're quite comfortable with each other at this point. Maybe too much...
But I remember how shy we were. We'd sit in our own seats on the bus stop...only the first or second time. Then we leaned...then after a month or so, he became my chair or my pillow. We did at least hold hands in the beginning though. They're so big and warm = 3=
The following monday, the whole school became aware of our relationship, and the earth and the heavens shook. Many males were mad, angry or upset. One */cough turtle /cough* threatened to punch him. I was kinda scared of him going back to school. So what if the guys were now awkward around me? All the better. I personally don't like that kind of attention. After a while, I sort of died out of their minds. Half of them don't even go to the school anymore. We were both happy, and that was all we needed.
He was still shy and reluctant for a long while.
I remember the first day he slept over. I think he really wanted to sleep over, mostly because before we got together, there was this other boy whom he didn't like, who had the hots for me, and he stayed over the night. Slept in the living room. This kid had stayed over that one time, only days, maybe a week before we confessed our puppy love. Russ, like me was also pessimistic about me liking him, and said stuff, like you guys look like a nice couple, or something of the sort while we played around through webcam. That boy and myself on one end, Russ on the other. I felt bad. I really wanted it to be me and Russ on one end, and that kid on the other. That's what I was thinking during that session. But yea. Russ stayed over for his first time because he "missed the last bus." He never did that D: He was always responsible to take the bus on time, and always insisted to take it on time, so him missing the bus was just way off his usual. We slept together on the couch that night. He wanted it like that, but so did I, and it felt good.
The first kiss, must have come some time after that. He was so shy ; 3; my adowables <3 He blames me though for not helping him make it happen sooner. I say he wasn't manly enough ;3
But it happened all in good timing, because not once did he ever make me feel uncomfortable. Despite those little actions, like the sleeping and smooching. I'm actually very sensitive to a male touching me or making a move on me, so I'm easily scared away. Things just went really well.
He makes a nice bed though btw. Even now, there's just so much to hug and sleep on. Not to mention the awesome heat he emits when it's cold.
He did so much for me, that it even surprised me. I did tell him though, that I would only go for a serious relationship, and if he wasn't for that, then please don't try. He was really serious about it. And all in all, I felt his love. I was most happy that he went on an airplane with me to NY for the summer. I felt bad making him do it, though to be honest, I think I was just too happy that he was coming with me that I didn't show my pity. I did hold his hand tight during the flight and comforted him. The only other time he'd been on a plane was when he was like 5. I think thats when he learned he didn't like it. I was happy to have gone on so many dates with him in my hometown. Even now, I'm so happy we experienced my home, the place I grew up in with him. Even Seaside Heights. My favorite and ~ secret ~ vacation place. LoL, not very secret. It's just a town I always visited in NJ as a kid. Has awesome beaches, and the awesomest boardwalk. This is where I was first introduced to DDR btw. I was 13. Went with my dad that year.
Oh dear, this journals too long x ox. I think I'll cut it into 2. Gosh, I didn't mean for the topic to stray into my love life, but Jolly-Goodness, if felt sooo good to think back on how it started, and how it felt. Puppy love is just so ...I'm lacking in words for it. It feels so good. I don't know. It's indescribable. It's so sincere, pure and good. No pride, no idolatry, no jealousy, no anything, just a for real-real "I want to be with you and know you better-closer". I just knew that I wanted to get closer to this person, and love him. I knew nothing about him. I ask myself a lot what the difference between idolizing and loving is. It doesn't seem to be easily distinguishable - both include feelings of intense longing, but one is wrong and sad-you are a dependent slave; and the other is the most beautiful thing in the world. That much I know.
I know I do sincerely love him. Though I'm not perfect, and I don't know a single human being who is perfect, even in terms of this statement, but I seek to perfect myself in the above. Most people idolize. Not love. I learned this the hard way. [It wasn't so bad learning, but whatever, it sucks. Turns out it also works like a sort of symbiotic relationship sometimes.]
This is why I can't do the whole dating around different people thing. It icks me out and is not my lifestyle. I loath drama. Never participated in it much in high school, but my friends did, and it was just weird =/ I was always that one friend trying to get friends back together. I was successful though. For the most part.
Friends be friends, as long as they're true. I've always been picky about a friendship. To earn the title friend, you'd have to be a friend. Not an acquaintance, and not someone who leeches off of me for an image or acceptance. And even much less, for my heart. Had some of those. Never again had male best friends. Since childhood, the majority of mine all were. I grew up with all boy cousins, and I was a tomboy. I loved what they loved and I wanted to be a boy as a kid. Thats in part why I really like having couples as friends. Double dates are fun, and we know what drama is and don't want it in our relationships. A lot of them seemed to be caused by old jealous friends, and we understand that. Well, I guess its easiest for me, since all who might cause drama would be in NY. Not that there were many on my part, but I've essentially cut off all ties/communications with the ones I should. In the end, that's what some of us end up doing; for the most part, you have to if you care for the other person. It's not like I miss those people anyway. Some did me wrong after all. Forgive and brush-away o 3o for an instance like that.
I'm proud of him too for knowing and doing what's right. Even now, he's working to become a better person.
I'll cut the journal here and continue on in another post.
[I think typing works as a therapy for me. . .]
It feels like it's been forever since I had a vacation from school. My last vacation, and the vacation before that, and before that other one too didn't feel like a break; ever since I went to NY for the summer. I don't know what it was, but it feels great to actually feel like it's vacation. I really am just happy. Maybe that's why my sudden spurt to write so much as of late. Writing actually feels good....Oh crap, I hear birds. I'll give this journal a few paragraphs and be off to bed.
Got through editing and making some new arts for my sketch book. Worked with my Tria Letraset markers and inking pens (Copic brand inking pens that are very much the same as microns, except the tips feel tougher, and wont bend as easily.) Gotta make it all digital somehow though for the awesome demo-reel for 8th quarter review...though...I guess I'll be late on the 8th quarter, since I've just finished my 8th quarter yesterday. Gosh, 2 years in school already . ^ .
Have met some interesting people. Though I wish I could click with more of them like I did with my mates in high school. It's not that people don't like me. My first quarter, I'm a tad embarrassed to say that a lot of kids (guys really) liked me. Rusty being one of them. But they liked me cause of my looks .__. hence my embarrassment. Thats why I'm happy I met Rusty Josh and Niko-Kitty. I attracted them in speech class at first because of my awesome orange beanie. I still remember Niko-Kitty saying "OMIGAWSH ! Hat !" xD
We started hanging out the day the teacher brought in the keyboard. It was the day we had to talk about a talent. Rusty's was playing music with his nose /swt. I think I thought the class how to play DDR. Or maybe that was another class. But anyways, after class, the teacher left the keyboard on for a bit, and I started playing some game music - Final Fantasy and Zelda - so Josh went fanboy over the playing, and Rusty followed after a long with Niko. Then conversation about trying to steal my life juice happened, and they ended up dragging me to the computer labs to play Warcraft 3 - was never really into warcraft. I'm a StarCraft gamer* It was still fun, even though I failed a lot, so Russ tried helping me out, though even then, I still failed. Went out to eat lunch together. Ebi was also there. If not that day, then the next day we hung out, she must have been there.
But ever since that day, that was my group. Jordan soon joined as well.
Around November, Russ started showing those signs, and I knew then that he had something for me. I was still reluctant since I had just met him, and just left it as the new found (and happily, I can say) sincere friendship. I was sick, and he bought Vapo-Rub for me.
What made me laugh, (on the inside - didn't want to embarrass him) was his attempt to invite himself over to my place. I had brought Grave of the Fireflies to school for us to watch with the group. We all sat on the couch and watched it on the laptop...and he kept sort of snuggling slightly closer to me /lol. We never finished the movie, but he kept talking to me about finishing it, and saying, so why don't you invite me to watch it over at your place? (Ahahaha, the way it happened though xD It was so fresh of him) But I invited him. He seemed safe and all. Not like most other guys who had their eyes on me at the time /swt Turtle /couch /swt
When he came over at last (initially to watch grave of the fireflies), I don't recall how the day went, but we never did watch that movie...and till this day, he never showed interest in watching it either ;& ...that b*****d...said it just for the invitation.
Spend many good days at school and out of school for a while. Got to know each other, and by now, Russ Josh and Niko had discovered my arts. I was drawing my old avatar, Fianna in her old black and white G-Blade outfit. It came out good, and since Russ was just so fascinated by it, I started making one for him. Then December came. I was off to NY by December 14th-17th-ish. By then, I was already feeling attached, and felt reluctant to leave for NY when I had these new awesome friends, and a "curious puppy-love", I dare say for this person. Before I left to NY, Ebi had invited me to play a new MMO by aeria games, DOMO. Dream of a Mirror Online. It was cute, and I liked it, so I invited Rusty to play with us.
It was one of our 2 means of communications during winter break. We mostly communicated through Gaia PMs. A few times daily. Mostly at night - so many late nights for me cause of the 3 hour difference, but I wanted to talk to him and play DOMO together, so I stayed up, as did he. We got to know each other more through the PMs. Usually had serious conversations about each other, like what I want, expect, believe, etc.
Then in DOMO, we discovered the game had an option to have a love relationship between 2 characters - and with that comes special skills. He seemed to act so shy about it, but after a while of unconscious implications, he said he wanted to be my soul mate in the game. I suppose it was his reluctance and implications that made it seem just so much full of cute. I dunno. I hope he reads this, so he'll be all full of embarrass.
Vacation was almost over now, and I was due to come back. He told me he wanted to through a sort of mini welcome party. More like a hangout with our little group, but everyone was busy, so it was just me and him. January came. We had some hangouts here and there, and by then, Josh and Kitty were acting funny. Firstly, Josh and Russ both asked me while walking towards Josh's car, if I had a boyfriend, so I told them my history. I just said I wasn't into that, so no. The first "relation" was childish, and I call it fail, so I never really mention it. Though it was cute. I was 12...honestly. Thats when I learned that I wasn't into it.
Then this one time, Josh and Kitty both were talking, and so Niko was like "I'm not crazy enough to date Russell" and then they asked me, "Do you like him?" I blushed all over on the inside, but said nothing really. Maybe they knew my feelings. They did know about Russell though. I was still keen on keeping a friendship. I always take that pessimistic view when I actually like someone, like, maybe they don't like me - even if they're as obvious as the others I knew for sure-sure did. So I didn't say anything to them.
I think my roommate by now knew my feelings. &3 love you Mir &3
She practically knows me in and out afterall .__. /swt.
[Oh gosh, I'm feeling butterflies in my stomach typing all this. I feel the same puppy love; the same as I felt during the events that I'm describing. It feels so good. Now I really can't wait to see him again this monday when we hangout. Or if he stops by to sleep over tonight again or something. I can't wait for the next time I see him.]
So yea, Kitty and Josh were really acting funny. Russell was the same funny guy as ever, very detailed in what he did for me, and very considerate and a wonderful gentleman. He never pushed any feelings onto me like the other guys did. *One who went as far as buying me a yellow flower with red rims...swt...swtswtswtswt. He remembers that event. It was just sad and fail.
But then January 18 happened. We argue on our anniversary because of this.
It was a thursday night, or rather, an early friday morning, and we were up late. Really late. We were discussing online on MSN on a hangout between just me and him at the Galleria mall. Maybe a movie? And then the Conversation happened.
He had told me weeks/months before how shy and fail he was with women. How he never had guts for them. [And it's true. You will see why in a moment.]
We spoke about the meeting and were all excited. I never really went to the Galleria. Just once with my roomie and her dad and little brothers. So the conversation then went on to the whole "I'm really tired (he was)" bed-time, nighty night thing, see ya tomorow ending.
But then I typed something. I can't remember for the life of me what it was, but it must have been about "feelings" because I remember his response. He said, no, now I'm wide awake, keep going, I want to know more. So I told him, I have a secret. Then he told me, I have a secret too. Then he said, I think I know what yours is. And I said, I think I know what yours is too.
Then he said "So, lets say that what I think yours is is true, and what you think mine is is true...then what?"
There was a long pause after this. A long conversation pursued along the same lines, and he was being just sooo stubborn about not telling me bluntly !
So I told him. I told him loud and good. I said to him "Dammit Russ! You're my crush !" He responded somewhere along the lines of "What? You're mine too !" And then he had an anxiety attack so he was quiet for a while until he finally recovered and was capable of typing again. *That's when he taught me that he suffered from these attacks.*
All in all, I was the one to have to come out and admit the feelings since he was too "not manly" enough to do it - and to this day still gets made fun of by Josh and whoever else hears the story -
So he told me his intentions on saturday, he was going to finally man up and tell me his feelings. Oh well ~
It worked out just fine this way too I suppose. It's more fun.
I can only fall in love when it's requited. I never felt puppy love as strong as I did for this boy. I could only feel it so strong as I feel it because deep down, I always knew he felt the same way too ever since it bloomed in us. Kitty once told me that on his part, it was love on first sight. She knew him more back then, so I assume they had their conversations. He tells me other things though to keep his pride. He felt embarrassed when I told him that his signs were quite obvious to me.
First love experience for the both of us.
We never had someone like each other in our lives. It was a strange new fun experience.
Our first date was Saturday. January 19 2008. It's debated on it being either the 18 - the day we talked, or the 19th - the first date. I still say the 18th. The coupling was agreed on that day after all. We watched I Am Legend. Had that fast japanese food at the Galleria before the movie. He learned then that I have a small stomach. Had to throw away the food to get in the theater and I got hungry fast. He learned then that I get hungry very soon after eating my tiny portion.
It was cold. January was cold. He gave me his Inuyasha track jacket to wear. Boy did it smell like never-washed boy jacket. I didn't say anything. Didn't want to make him feel bad. I get him for it now though. We're quite comfortable with each other at this point. Maybe too much...
But I remember how shy we were. We'd sit in our own seats on the bus stop...only the first or second time. Then we leaned...then after a month or so, he became my chair or my pillow. We did at least hold hands in the beginning though. They're so big and warm = 3=
The following monday, the whole school became aware of our relationship, and the earth and the heavens shook. Many males were mad, angry or upset. One */cough turtle /cough* threatened to punch him. I was kinda scared of him going back to school. So what if the guys were now awkward around me? All the better. I personally don't like that kind of attention. After a while, I sort of died out of their minds. Half of them don't even go to the school anymore. We were both happy, and that was all we needed.
He was still shy and reluctant for a long while.
I remember the first day he slept over. I think he really wanted to sleep over, mostly because before we got together, there was this other boy whom he didn't like, who had the hots for me, and he stayed over the night. Slept in the living room. This kid had stayed over that one time, only days, maybe a week before we confessed our puppy love. Russ, like me was also pessimistic about me liking him, and said stuff, like you guys look like a nice couple, or something of the sort while we played around through webcam. That boy and myself on one end, Russ on the other. I felt bad. I really wanted it to be me and Russ on one end, and that kid on the other. That's what I was thinking during that session. But yea. Russ stayed over for his first time because he "missed the last bus." He never did that D: He was always responsible to take the bus on time, and always insisted to take it on time, so him missing the bus was just way off his usual. We slept together on the couch that night. He wanted it like that, but so did I, and it felt good.
The first kiss, must have come some time after that. He was so shy ; 3; my adowables <3 He blames me though for not helping him make it happen sooner. I say he wasn't manly enough ;3
But it happened all in good timing, because not once did he ever make me feel uncomfortable. Despite those little actions, like the sleeping and smooching. I'm actually very sensitive to a male touching me or making a move on me, so I'm easily scared away. Things just went really well.
He makes a nice bed though btw. Even now, there's just so much to hug and sleep on. Not to mention the awesome heat he emits when it's cold.
He did so much for me, that it even surprised me. I did tell him though, that I would only go for a serious relationship, and if he wasn't for that, then please don't try. He was really serious about it. And all in all, I felt his love. I was most happy that he went on an airplane with me to NY for the summer. I felt bad making him do it, though to be honest, I think I was just too happy that he was coming with me that I didn't show my pity. I did hold his hand tight during the flight and comforted him. The only other time he'd been on a plane was when he was like 5. I think thats when he learned he didn't like it. I was happy to have gone on so many dates with him in my hometown. Even now, I'm so happy we experienced my home, the place I grew up in with him. Even Seaside Heights. My favorite and ~ secret ~ vacation place. LoL, not very secret. It's just a town I always visited in NJ as a kid. Has awesome beaches, and the awesomest boardwalk. This is where I was first introduced to DDR btw. I was 13. Went with my dad that year.
Oh dear, this journals too long x ox. I think I'll cut it into 2. Gosh, I didn't mean for the topic to stray into my love life, but Jolly-Goodness, if felt sooo good to think back on how it started, and how it felt. Puppy love is just so ...I'm lacking in words for it. It feels so good. I don't know. It's indescribable. It's so sincere, pure and good. No pride, no idolatry, no jealousy, no anything, just a for real-real "I want to be with you and know you better-closer". I just knew that I wanted to get closer to this person, and love him. I knew nothing about him. I ask myself a lot what the difference between idolizing and loving is. It doesn't seem to be easily distinguishable - both include feelings of intense longing, but one is wrong and sad-you are a dependent slave; and the other is the most beautiful thing in the world. That much I know.
I know I do sincerely love him. Though I'm not perfect, and I don't know a single human being who is perfect, even in terms of this statement, but I seek to perfect myself in the above. Most people idolize. Not love. I learned this the hard way. [It wasn't so bad learning, but whatever, it sucks. Turns out it also works like a sort of symbiotic relationship sometimes.]
This is why I can't do the whole dating around different people thing. It icks me out and is not my lifestyle. I loath drama. Never participated in it much in high school, but my friends did, and it was just weird =/ I was always that one friend trying to get friends back together. I was successful though. For the most part.
Friends be friends, as long as they're true. I've always been picky about a friendship. To earn the title friend, you'd have to be a friend. Not an acquaintance, and not someone who leeches off of me for an image or acceptance. And even much less, for my heart. Had some of those. Never again had male best friends. Since childhood, the majority of mine all were. I grew up with all boy cousins, and I was a tomboy. I loved what they loved and I wanted to be a boy as a kid. Thats in part why I really like having couples as friends. Double dates are fun, and we know what drama is and don't want it in our relationships. A lot of them seemed to be caused by old jealous friends, and we understand that. Well, I guess its easiest for me, since all who might cause drama would be in NY. Not that there were many on my part, but I've essentially cut off all ties/communications with the ones I should. In the end, that's what some of us end up doing; for the most part, you have to if you care for the other person. It's not like I miss those people anyway. Some did me wrong after all. Forgive and brush-away o 3o for an instance like that.
I'm proud of him too for knowing and doing what's right. Even now, he's working to become a better person.
I'll cut the journal here and continue on in another post.
[I think typing works as a therapy for me. . .]
