When the World Was New
by FlamX
As some of our readers may know, the Zardian very recently won the prestigious 'Best Scientific Periodical of Lore' award; further testimony to the quality and integrity of this publication. As the assembled members of the staff awaited the arrival of the gold trophy (shaped like a Z-tom, which is much superior to an A-tom, and occasionally mutters 'Ribarg!'), we stumbled upon a minor problem- the Zardian does not have a science column. Naturally appalled, our dedicated authors at once began discussing just how we could fool the awards committee. In the spirit of artistic and scientific integrity, ingenuity and insincerity, I hereby present a further installation of our award-winning science column.*
The focus of our inquiry today will be dimorphism- which, I'm told, is the tendency for men to look like men and women to resemble, well, women. Given the obvious nature of this term, I was nearly disinclined to accept it as proper scientific gobbledygook, but it does have more than one syllable and isn't spelt phonetically, so my objections are moot.
In any case, it would appear that this particular use of the term actually refers to the tendency for other races to have distinguishing features which largely match up with human counterparts. For example: elves look much like humans, so much so that it is often difficult to distinguish between races at first glance. Again, humanoid but clearly inhuman races, such as Drakel and various species of Giant display distinguishing marks which seem quite natural to the human eye; similar hairstyles, a shift in body proportion, etc. This, as I have quickly come to understand, is the crux of the matter. Why do other races conform to the standards of humanity?
My first inclination was to believe that** elves, humans and Drakel (along with every other creature who falls even vaguely into a dimorphic-humanoid appearance category) are simply somehow related, and that it has been only a quirk of evolution that males and females of humanoid shape, and that, objectively, there was no real mystery. Unlikely as it sounds, this theory was proven wrong by aliens.
It was pointed out to me some weeks ago that a number of the aliens who make up the Network, often humanoid as they are, bear striking similarities to human men and women, and the gender of these aliens can be readily guessed by children off the street. Application of my 'common ancestry' theory doesn't work here- these beings have never even been to Lore, and many of them originate from totally different galaxies. Clearly, there was more research*** to be done.
After a trip to the Temple of Hope (using time-travel, obviously), I developed a rapport with famed Moglin historian Nel, and quickly got him to agree to put his own research (something about 'the coming of the Devourer', I wasn't really listening) to help formulate my thesis. Rather quickly, and with the aid of a technique known as 'creative editing of source material', we were able to reconstruct a basic hypothesis:
Lo, In The Beginning, Lorethia Created The Great Elemental Lords, Who Formeth Yea The Foundation Of The Firmament. In Turn, Her Progeny Did Labor Long In The Making Of Life (The Universe, And Everything). But The Creator Was Sore Disturbed, And She Did Dispatch A Manifestation To Speak Unto Her Children, Saying Thus-
Lorethia - "You know, I'm really quite pleased with how Life's turning out."
The Mighty Lords O'er The Elements - "Thanks!"
Lorethia - "But, er, there is one thing which has been troubling me..."
The Mighty Lords O'er The Elements - "What? Speak unto us now, Mother, that which so disturbs you, and we shall go at once and destroy it."
Lorethia - "Actually, I was kind of wondering how you tell them apart. I keep calling them 'Miss' or 'Mister', only to find out that I've said something wrong."
The Mighty Lords O'er The Elements - "...well, what do you know? We, er, didn't even think of that."
Lorethia - "Oh dear. Well, I'm sure you were very busy, and-"
The Mighty Lords O'er The Elements - "Nonsense! Upon this hour, we shall set out and re-make Life, changing it throughout the universe, yea, and unto the end of Time, that we might never again be so embarrassed."
Lorethia - "Well, if you really must."
And So It Was That All Creatures Apart From Goggs Were Clearly Demarcated Accordingly, That Social Faux Pas Might Never Again Reign Supreme. The End.
So, there you have it. As is so often the case, this seemingly complex and scientific issue is actually the result of good manners, properly addressing people when you speak, and magic.
At the time of publication, details in this article may be inaccurate- for example, the Zardian's qualifications for Best Scientific Journal were called into question, and the office throughly searched by staff at the Asylum at Battleon. For various related reasons, Rimblade has been ordered to cease introducing himself as 'His Honor Dr. Sir Rimblade, Attorney at Law, PHD Smartology'. We thank our readers for understanding.
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*Notice to those on said Awards committee: the entire introduction is entirely a printer error. Please disregard it.
**Those regular readers of inferior scientific journals may note that much of my research seems to begin with intuitive leaps and clearly biased observation-
this is actually a very natural part of any scientific endeavour, at least according to the standards of various mad alchemists; and if the quest to turn lead
into gold isn't scientific, then what is?
***Fun Fact: if you hide the latest edition of 'Massive Mecha Monthly' inside an atlas, you can claim to be doing scientific research when your boss asks
for a status report.
-More understandable by a player of AE games.
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