Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Ever have those moments that seem to last forever and all you're thinking about is how pissed you are for the emotions you are going through? An argument within yourself wondering how the ******** you got to where you are? Nothing like DID or MPS, nothing like. Fully functional non-sanity type of thing.

The last six weeks have been filled with almost completely arbitrary downs. All of them, every last one of them, have been emotionally distressing to an extreme but in the grand scheme of things, stupid. Though that might just be perspective. When one of the few things you have to keep you sane is a flickering box connected to goofy tubes that bring you porn and connection to strangers, I suppose what happens there can be a big deal.

It feels like one of those exercises in societal entropy or simply Murphy's or some other jerk's law stating that things must suck. Have a stupid misunderstanding blow out of proportion in the real world here, lose one less than a half dozen close online friends there, among other things. Throw in hefty amounts of doubt as well as all the "real" problems going on with my life and we get to that wonderful feeling of spontaneous numbness in my lower body and weird heartbeats. I wish I was making that up.

Then there is the creeping feeling of disconnection, that I am losing touch with close people or that my depression is starting to succeed in making my paranoia increase to the point of mentally crippling. That loss of trust that people give a damn and that my reaction to this is to become attention whoring to the point that it becomes self fulfilling. The joys of vicious circles, right? Hell even this being anything but private seems like just another ploy at attention and while that drives me nuts to overthink, ******** it. My whining here might actually amuse somebody else and why deny them the sick laugh.

So we inevitably boil this all down to a weird sense of narcissism and self hatred that would be awesome as a renewable energy source since it is ********. Well, what do I get to do with this? Nothing, not a goddamn thing. I figure my levels of stress and paranoia will kill me before I make a complete spectacle of myself so why bother?

I do have things to live for, I can still see the sunny side of life, what is left at least. I have two beautiful boys, both of which seem ready to become the future ruler of the planet, at least in personality. I have Lynn who keeps me sane. We have Hell Kitty, who keeps us sane when life isn't eating her energy whole. I technically have my writing to live for, whatever that is worth, that I need to finish and see about publishing.

So yea, another moment in my head. Mind the slime and dirty images and see your way to the Egress.