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A Little More Personal,What Most People Dont Know
First Off,My Real Name IS Imari.
I guess Im going to be telling something a little more personal.

Unlike most kids who meet both their parents at birth.
I didnt.
My dad was there while my mother was pregnant,But he wasnt completely their when she was in labor.
See I was born 30 days premature.
The doctors werent able to get me to turn,So they had to induce my mom early.
Now what I mean is I didnt meet my BOTH my parents when I was born is,My dad was arrested before I was born for doing and selling drugs.
So I didnt OFFICIALY Meet my dad till I was three.
Until then I remember my mom telling me one sunday morning on visiting days at the jail "Its time to meet your daddy".
I was excited and nervous,My first Impression was that he had a affro.
Fairly tall about 6ft 4inches.
Unfortunatly since then I havnt fully trusted him.
I may have been three but I was fairly intelligent then,I knew what it felt to be ashamed,And i was asahmed I'd just be oone of the rare kids that meet their dads in jail.
It was harder on me,Because my mom was only 18 and my dad was in his middle 20's.
What made it even harder is that they werent even married.
But they always lied to me and said they were married before I was born.
Later I found out the truth from my grandmother that they werent even married until my younger sister "Milani" was born.
I was really upset,Just because They would get married for her sake but not for mine.
But Im getting ahead of myself.
My parents were married in a jail cell.
My grandpa chuck worked for a church,So he married them.
I love my grand father,But I dispise that he let them get married.
I've always wished that my parents would get a divorce.
I always wished I had a dad who would be there for me and keep promises.
Every time he promised he would stay out of jail,He kept going back for the same reason.
He went before I was born,Got out for good behavior,Went back after I was still 3,Got out when I was six,Went back got out when I was 9,Got out for good behavior then went back for two years and got back before I turned 12.
Im 13 now.
And one of thoughs years my mom went to jail for helping him.
My grandmother raised me allmost all my life.
I pretty much can say I was a orphan.
Because buy the time I was old enough to understand life.
I already dispised it as it was,And could say I knew nothing about my parents.
I loved school yet hated the PTA,Dispised it actually.
I hated it when kids asked me where my father was,Since my family was ashamed I was forced to lie to the people and say he was out of town on bis. trips.
It killed me and I felt like a sinner before It says "Thou shalt not lie" clearly in the 10 comandments.
At 7 I was so sick of everything I tried suicide because of my depression.
I had panic attacks half my life.
Ibelieve in God until I was about 8.
Then relised If God was ACTUALLY REAL he wouldnt be making me suffer like this.
A few times I thought I was a horrible person in my past life.
I believe in reincarnation and karma.
So i must have been pretty bad to be suffering the way I was.
I was smart on life and trused no one.
I barely talked and was shy as hell.
But I wasnt heartless,I was just empty.
After a while I grew out of the panic attacks.
I still kept crying whenever I was alone.
I still have breakdowns today.
My mom is "Kind" enough to tell me I need mental help.
But I dont need mental health. I just need to know that theirs actually someone who truely cares.

Sooner or later I reached middle school.I meet a girl who took the place as my mother whos name is Felicia,I met Zoie who is like my sister,As for Sarahshes like my long lost twin,But we arnt Identical.
My friends are the only people I can trust.They know all my secrets.
I run to my friends when something goes worng.
My family will critisize me and call me a wimp.

My dad does drink.
He drinks and then he goes out and drives and It worrys me because of his heart.
I may not trust him really but I do worry.
I dont want to me a REAL orphan.
I almost lost my mom because some doctors left a towl inside of her during the C-section of My sisters birth.

I've developed a O.C.D. thing because Im nervous and worry way to much.
Im bi-polar because I have a short fuse.
And i have A.D.D. because I have problems focusing if it dosent catch my attention.
But I make pretty good grades.

I write to get things off my mind.
I won a poetry contest during my 7th grade year.

i've had plenty of pets,But my mom either let someone kill them,Or sold them for money.
My best friend was a dog I hadnt had him for more then 3 years.
His name was JJ and hes a mutt like me.
Meaning hes two different races.
Im half white and half black.
And he was a rotweirler mixed breed.
My dad made him stay outside with no house during the winter,But I wasnt alowed near them due to their problems with the law So It killed me,When I finally got my dog back he was terribly sicka nd never healed.
When they put him to sleep I was devestated.
I still cry when I think of him.
Another devestating animaldeath was when we just boght a new Sheep dog puppy.
But sadly he died in my arms.

I havnt really had any other animals since,Since everything I touch It dies.
Im Jixed.
Im bad luck.
Writing this blog is my way of sulking.
I helped raise a small kitten named Luna over this summer,But she hasnt died So im really surprised.
She sleeps with my hoodie and I visit her at my aunts at lest 3 times every 2 weeks.

Im disrespected on a daily basis bye a 6 year old and a old woman I call my grandma.
They make fun of the way i talk,They make fun of my scars,They call me poorly raised and let me know how hated I am.
It hurts but the pain is just not starting to fade.

I really dont care about being hurt anymore.
So when im hurt physically or emotionally,Just thinking that I seen it coming numbs the pain.
Sleeping is my stress reliever,Its my way of escapeing,I enjoy it like people enjoy cutting.
It brings both worlds together,till everything is gone and your left with what makes you feel better.

Love isnt a common word to me.
Im never reminded im loved So I pretty much say Im unwanted.
I know why clowns wear makeup.
its to hide their pain.
I hide behind the tears of a clown.
I smile and laugh,But I dont lead a normal life.
and im not as happy as a 13 year old should be.
There is always someone nipping at my ankles trying to make me fall.

My number one hero in the world is Javier Colon.
Hes like my older bro he means the world to me.
Hes always there when I need him.
Im going to die when he leaves for military training ]:

Anyway im done sulking.
I doubt anyone will read this but it gets things off my back.

Peace.

Imari-