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(Pardon my ranting....I can't help it sometimes.)

Is this my fault?? I don't think it's my fault. Usually it is my fault, but this time I KNOW it isn't my fault. But what if it is?! What if all of this crap is my fault and I'm the only one who can fix it but isn't doing a damn thing about it. Then what?? I'm just gonna sit here and wait? I guess so, because I don't know what to do yet. But what if I try to figure out what to do? Maybe it'll fix things. But what if it backfires at makes things worse? GAH!!! Why am I worrying about this. This is probobly one of the stupidest things I've worried about. But then again, this is one of the only things I've worried about. Should that be telling me something? Maybe it's telling me I love her more than I think. I guess this problem is just in it's first breath stage. But it's still probobly too late to fix it. Why am I still going on about this? I think it's because I love her. But I shouldn't love her anymore. I need to get over her. Didn't I tell myself before that I wasn't going to get in a relationship because of difficulties and problems that would come up? I was right, but I'm not folllowing through with it. I guess I've changed my mind about it all. I DO want a relationship. I want to listen to her problems. I want to stand by her when she's scared. I want to do everything that I can for her. But...After what I said to her...Damn it!! I can't believe I called her a whore!! That's low, even for me. She's NOT a whore. She's too good for that. What the hell was I thinking when I said that? Was I angry? I didn't feel angry when I said it. I felt, and as hard as it is to admit it, I felt relieved. I guess all of this comes with being born an a**. Whatever then. Things might just fall into place on it's own. I really hope so. But I doubt we'll ever be able to be friends again. That's kinda really what I want the most. It doesn't matter to me if we're a couple or not. I just want to be with her. And if she won't love me back, that's fine too. I can just love her on the sidelines, like I did when we were kids. Damn...that seems like so long ago. I miss those times. Before everything happened, at least. Everything just got complicated all of a sudden. But when we got together the first time, everything seemed to fall back into place. Then it was shattered again. And I guess it kept going in repitition to everything else that was going on. Life sucks.