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My new found state of mind has alowed me to get rid of past fears. Nothing in the dark can make me flinch, no movie screen horrors phaze me outside of the theaters. But the one thing that still gets me, the one thing that makes me cringe... is sleep. The one place I am voulnerable, the one place I can really be shaken is in my sleep. Don't take this wrong, I don't dream of some monster, some ghost or gay crap like that. it's some thing much worst..

I see her.. my long time best friend.. my first crush... I see her through the eyes of the pr*ck that killed her.. I see all he saw that night.. I see him leave his friends house.. drunk off his a**, I see him swerve his way to the liquor store... buy a pack of cigarettes from the black cashier.. and i get the pleasure... of seeing him slam into her car... precisley where she sat... the pleasure of seeing the ambulance come too late... the pleasure of hearing her friends shriek her name.. the pleasure of seeing some disrespectful fire jocky clumsely pull her thrashed... fragile body from the wreck... i wake up sick.. the taste of vomit in my mouth, my fist clenched in rage.. i get tp see her face... her cold... lifeless... horrified face... stare into her eyes for a brief moment... not knowing them. It stabs away at my sanity, because it repeats it self, the same low low blow in the exact same spot every single time... not easing up or relenting at all..

I try to avoid it, stay awake.. kicking some a** and getting my a** kicked on some random video game, watching trashy tv till I can't bare to keep my eyes open any longer. i colapse into sleep. No dreams... or no memory of them at least. As I out last them, out last the dreams till they give up and leave me alone. i am stronger than i was before.. i can win.. without the help of some quack, on my own, this war being waged in my head must be fought by me and me alone. I can win, but I can't help but take some damage in the process