**note: before i copy and paste this, i would like to state that i did NOT write this, i found this on Fanfiction.net and it rightfully belongs to Eternal Nocturne [on fanfiction.net, not gaia]
kthnxbye, Lily
P.S.: i would like to note that this was too long so i gave up after a while and will read it l8r...
unless i forget... sweatdrop
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One day, Link got smacked in the head by a random sandwich that fell from the sky.
“YOU JUST GOT SMACKED IN THE HEAD BY A RANDOM SANDWICH THAT FELL FROM THE SKY!” Roy yelled at the top of his lungs, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
“Wait, what?! You’re supposed to be locked up in a closet! And besides, I KNOW THAT!” Link yelled back at him, aggravated. He stood up, but then the sandwich ended up biting his hat and then randomly running off with it.
“THAT SANDWICH JUST RANDOMLY RAN OFF WITH YOUR HAT!” Roy exclaimed again.
“I KNOW THAT, TOO!” Link replied, smacking him in the head. “Ugh! Why are so many random things happening to me?!”
A purple and orange dolphin wearing lipstick suddenly crashed through the window and hit him, knocking him to the floor. Roy then walked into the kitchen, took a bucket filled with cow snot, came back, and dumped its contents on Link’s head.
“ROY!!!”
“THE WORLD’S LARGEST TOILET IS 3 INCHES LONG!”
“STOP SCREAMING!”
“NO U! I’M GONNA FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD!”
A yellow brick road randomly appeared, accompanied with a sign that read ‘This way to the sandwich that stole your hat.’ Roy skipped down it gleefully, like a little girl.
Link shook off all of the disgusting cow snot off of his head and dashed after Roy, deciding that he could also try and get his hat back, too.
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Roy and Link ended up chasing after the sandwich for five days straight, just because they felt like it. And, since random things keep on happening to them, they also felt like jumping off a bridge, so they did.
But they survived.
Aww.
So, the next day, after having to climb a 100,000,000,000,000-foot mountain to get back to the Smashers’ residence, they both wore a super-girly pink badge that read ‘I JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE LIKE AN IDIOT AND SURVIVED!!!1!!1’
Roy simply ADORED it, but Link, in turn, just hated it. He wanted to rip it off his tunic and tape it to a basket full of hot wings while riding on a unicycle and throw it off the edge of Death Mountain Crater with Ganondorf glued to the wall.
Also, he hated the fact that that stupid sandwich ran off with his hat.
“Hey, where’d your hat go?” Roy stupidly asked out of the blue. It was the first thing he’s said so far that he didn’t scream.
“It got taken by a sandwich, remember?” Link replied solemnly.
“REALLY?!” Roy suddenly screamed again, causing Link to wince. “LINK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JUST STANDING AROUND LIKE THAT?! WE NEED TO GO CHASE THAT SANDWICH AND GET YOUR PUPPY BACK!”
“I don’t have a pup—”
“GO GO GO GO!!!”
Roy kicked Link and shoved him out a window.
“OW! ROY!”
“What?! You don’t want to get your cow back?”
Roy climbed out through the window he just shoved Link through and landed on top of him.
“OW!”
“Hmm? What happened?”
“You just LANDED on me!”
“LINK! LOOK! JIGGLYPUFF IS TRYING TO KILL DONKEY KONG WITH A SPOON AND SOME PEPPERMINTS!”
Roy pointed to a tree. Link got up and slapped Roy.
“What’s wrong with you?!”
Roy started spinning around in circle. After a while, he stopped.
“Hey! Where’s your hat?” he asked.
Link ended up feeding him to a rabid army of hungry ReDeads. Then, he ran off and followed the Yellow Brick Road to try and find his hat.
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Mario, after finally achieving his life-long dream of cooking a single Krabby Patty, stuffed its oily goodness into the Halberd’s engine, which made the ship crash, evidently causing Meta Knight to be extremely mad at him. Mario then screamed like a little girl and jumped off, landing on Link, who was still following the Yellow Brick Road.
“OW!”
Mario started picking his nose for no apparent reason as he sat on top of Link.
“Hi, Link!” he greeted randomly after a few long moments of sitting on him. He then took out a sharp pair of scissors and cut off a long tuft of Link’s dirty-blonde hair, eating it afterwards. Then he took out a ray gun and chucked it at a random bunny sitting on a venomous cobra reading some magazines about pie.
“…Mario…” Link groaned, attempting to get up, However, Mario was too heavy, and he was still on the floor. “Ugh… Get off of me…”
“No way!” Mario replied, cutting off another tuft of Link’s hair. “Your hair tastes SO good!” He put the tuft into his mouth a chomped on it loudly.
“STOP EATING MY FREAKIN’ HAIR!”
Mario took Pikachu out of his butt pocket and stuffed it down Link’s tunic. Then, he got up, walked away, and was then eaten by a lotion bottle.
Link, after realizing that Mario was gone, attempted to get up once more, but he still couldn’t, because Pikachu apparently weighed twice as much as Mario did.
“PIKACHU!” Link yelled, annoyed. “GET OUT OF MY TUNIC! I NEED TO GO CHASE DOWN THAT SANDWICH THAT RAN OFF WITH MY HAT!”
Pikachu zapped him, and then wiggled around, annoying him some more.
“GET… OUT!”
Pikachu zapped him again.
“ARGH!”
Link reached for Pikachu and successfully grabbed him. He pried him off of his back and threw him at the venomous cobra that was reading some magazines about pie. It got mad, so it chased Pikachu off a cliff.
Link just got up and walked away. Why were so many things causing him to not chase after his hat?
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Just five minutes later, Link found himself hanging upside-down from a high ledge on top of a ravine filled with raging river rapids and deadly spikes. He was tied with sticky spider-webs, his life dangling from a mere string connected to a delicate tree branch.
Oh, and plus, he was about to get eaten by a rabid bunny, who apparently had spun the web and taken him captive.
“MWAHAHAHA I’M GONNA EAT YOU FOR DINNAH!” he rabid bunny screamed, taking out a fork and knife out of nowhere.
“Um… No you’re not?” Link whimpered.
“YES I AM!”
“…No, you’re not.”
“YES I AM NOW BE QUIET SO I CAN PUT SOME SALT ON YOU!”
“No thank you. I’d rather be put in a tub of boiling hot butter. Wouldn’t I taste better then?”
The bunny took out a random pot of boiling hot butter.
“MWAHAHAHA! NOW I CAN—”
“You forgot to stir in some Metroids.”
“I forgot the—OH CARROTSTICKS I FORGOT THE METROIDS! BE RIGHT BACK, DINNAH!”
The bunny laughed maniacally and hopped away like a good little bunny should. When he was gone, Link started to try and bite his way out of the web. After a while, he managed to escape, leaving the little bunny without a tasty dinner.
As Link ran away, he accidentally smacked his head against a tree branch and was then unconscious. However, Roy just so happened to be walking past, still wearing his stupid ‘I JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE LIKE AN IDIOT AND SURVIVED!!!1!!1’ badge, even after being mobbed by a horde of ReDeads trying to suck his brains out.
“OH MY K-MART! LINK!” Roy screamed, jumping into action. He took out a random bottle of bird-poop soup and forced it down Link’s throat. He suddenly darted awake and started choking.
“Ugh! Roy—” he paused for a moment to cough. “Wait, Roy?! I thought I—I thought I pushed you into a hungry army of ReDeads!”
“Yeah, but you thought that you locked me into a closet full of spiders, too, but we’re all crazy sometimes, right?”
Link started coughing again.
“No, wait—That’s not the point! And—UGH! What’d you shove down my throat?!” he choked out.
Roy suddenly had a huge grin on his face.
“I SHOVED A BOTTLE OF BIRD POOP INTO YOUR—”
“WHAT?!” YOU’RE SO—”
“—DO YOU LIKE IT? I’LL BUY SOME MORE IF YOU—”
“—I’M GONNA KILL YOU—”
“—I GOT IT AT WAL-MART AND I—”
“—WHY AREN’T WE FINISHING OUR SENTENCES—”
“—HOT TOAST ON DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE!”
Peach suddenly came and smacked Roy really hard with a frying pan. Link turned, surprised, at the princess who had just showed up.
“Oh, hi, Peach—”
She suddenly smacked him with a golf club too.
“WHAT THE MUSHROOM DID YOU DO TO MARIO?!”
“Huh? Mario?” Link answered, rubbing his head. “I—”
“DON’T LIE TO ME! I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!”
“…Wait, but what would be the point of asking me what I did to Mario if you already knew? I mean, that’s—”
She hit him with a turnip.
“DON’T TALK TO ME, YOU MURDERER!”
“Since when—”
“HMPH!”
Peach kicked him somewhere and stormed off.
Link just looked at Roy.
“…I wonder what you did to Mario, Link,” he said.
“Yeah, I do, too.”
“Oh well. I bet it’s not anything bad, though.”
Miles away, in a far-off galaxy, Mario’s head was stuck in a weird cosmic toilet that was in desperate need of plunging, and he couldn’t get out of it. Even though he was a plumber.
Mario then wondered how he ever got out of that lotion bottle that ate him.
“Roy,” Link sighed, getting up, “we seriously need to get my hat.”
“Hmm? What happened to your hat?”
“…Well, since you’re starting to make sense again, I’ll tell you. My hat got stolen by a sandwich.”
Roy just stared at him.
“A… Sandwich. You’re kidding, right?” he questioned. Link shook his head.
“No, seriously. My hat got stolen by a sandwich, and then I was chasing after it when Mario suddenly fell from the sky—”
“Mario fell from the sky?”
“Don’t ask.”
“Too late.”
“Whatever. Anyway,” he continued, “Mario fell from the sky and landed on top of me, and since he and his big butt weighed so much, I couldn’t get him off. Then he started eating my hair for some reason—”
“Mario started eating your hair?”
“Well, yeah, that would be why I said it in the first place, Roy. Moving on. Then, he stuffed Pikachu down my tunic, but then I threw him off and a snake ended up chasing him down a cliff.”
Roy threw a rock at a tree.
“I like cliffs,” he stated.
“I’m sure you do. Anyway, then I got abducted my this weird bunny who wanted to eat me—”
“Must’ve been retarded or something.”
“Hey. Maybe he has some problems, but you don’t need to go around saying that everyone’s ‘retarded.’”
“You know what? That was a great idea. Thanks.”
“…No, no, blame it on Wario.”
“Sure. Okay, then what about the bunny?”
“Wow, you’re actually listening. Well, the bunny tied me to some spider webs—”
“That he got out of his butt.”
“No, he did not get them out of his butt.”
“Then where’d he get them?”
“You know what? Just let me finish, alright? Then you can ask whatever crazy questions you wanna ask.”
“There’s a peanut on that rock.”
“Does it look like I care? Man, you’re getting crazy again.”
“WOW THE SKY IS BLUE!”
“…Ugh. And I thought he was actually gonna make sense for a while and help me find my hat.”
Roy started running around in circles, but then suddenly stopped.
“I WANNA HELP FIND YOUR HAT!”
“Good!” Link exclaimed. “Now follow me, then. Oh, and seriously, don’t scream anymore. Please. It hurts my ears.”
“OKAY MOMMY!”
“I just said—”
“I WANNA COOKIE!”
“Never mind.”
“I HIT A COW’S APPLESAUCE!”
Link started leading Roy through the forest while again following the Yellow Brick Road.
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“LINK! THAT LOOKS LIKE A SANDWICH OVER THERE!”
Link, since Roy was two centimeters away from him, covered his ears in pain.
“ROY! WHY WON’T YOU STOP SCREAMING?! Seriously, you weren’t screaming this much a week ago with the cereal incident, were you?!” he yelled back, irritated.
“Nope! I was too busy looking at you with Zelda’s dead body.”
Link suddenly broke down and started crying.
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO REMIND ME, ROY!”
As Link was fake-crying, the sandwich that Roy had mentioned earlier came up and started bouncing on him.
“LINK! THE SANDWICH IS BOUNCING ON YOU!”
Link suddenly stopped crying and turned around. There, he saw the sandwich.
The sandwich.
With his hat.
“MY HAT!” Link screamed to a rock. The sandwich immediately jumped off of him and started running. Link drew his sword, hastily gestured for Roy to follow him, and dashed towards the sandwich that was running 1 mile per hour.
“GIMME BACK MY HAT, YOU THIEF!” he called out. Link chased after the sandwich wildly, slicing through vines, branches, leaves, and stray cows that got in his way.
He almost got the sandwich when Fox suddenly appeared in front of him. The last thing he saw was the sandwich vanishing with a big puff of smoke.
“FOX! AAH!” Link yelled, ramming into him. They both fell to the floor, and Roy began dancing with a cup of noodles while singing the Barney Song.
“Link!” Fox exclaimed, looking around. “Wait a minute…Where am I?”
“IN KENTUCKY!” Roy screamed.
Link regained his posture, took a deep breath, and calmed himself down.
“You’re following the Yellow Brick Road, apparently,” he stated idly. Then, he stared at him. “…What are you doing here?”
“Well, I was just taking a shower when I—”
“Never mind!” Link hastily stopped him. He watched as Fox got up, straightened his towel, and shook off some pink soap bubbles that were still stuck to his fur.
“What are you here for, then, Link?” Fox asked in return.
“I, um…” he slightly hesitated. “I was chasing down this sandwich that ran of with my hat—”
Fox looked at him and debated whether or not he should send Link to the mental facility.
“…Never mind, again,” Link sighed, deciding to brush it off. “Well, I need to go now, so—”
“HAHA FOX HAS SOAP BUBBLES!” Roy screamed for the hundredth time today. Link quickly slapped him, kicked him, and impaled him with a butter knife he had found sticking out of Fox’s eye. Then he dashed out of sight and began his never-ending search for the sandwich and his hat once more. Roy followed him, as usual.
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Back at the Smashers’ residence, Zelda (after getting revived by Wario sitting on her while eating a cheesecake) was desperately looking for Link so that she could apologize for dying and getting stuffed down a cellar full of robotic monkeys that want to rule the world. She ran to Peach, whom she hoped would reveal something about his whereabouts.
“Peach!” she called, tapping her friend on the shoulder. The pink princess turned around.
“Oh, hi, Zelda!” she greeted, smiling like a Floridian Vaseline container.
“Peach! Where’s Link? I desperately need to find him!” Zelda prompted.
“Well, I heard that he lost his hat, so—”
Peach randomly got hit in the head by a bowling ball. She fell to the floor, unconscious. Zelda just stood there, her mouth agape, looking at her friend with wide eyes. Then she realized something.
“Wait a minute… Did she just say… That Link lost his hat?” she gasped, clasping her hands over her mouth. “Farore! The world’s going to end! I need to find him immediately!”
She took a plane and flew to Corneria. Then, she realized that she was in the wrong place, so she flew back.
“The cereal drained me of my intelligence!” she whined. “Where am I to go?”
Suddenly, she realized that there was a shiny yellow brick road and a sign that read ‘This way to the sandwich that stole your hat.’ Assuming that it would lead her to Link, she followed it reluctantly.
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“Hey, Link,” Roy whispered as he followed Link.
“What?” the other swordsman answered back.
“I didn’t know you had blonde hair,” he replied stupidly. Link tensed up, hesitated, until simply answering,
“You don’t know a lot of things.” He resisted the urge to punch Roy in the face.
“I didn’t know that there’s a rabid vampire bat on your chest, too.”
“There’s a what—”
The rabid vampire bat dug its overgrown, 15-foot-long fangs into Link’s chest, piercing him through the heart and coming out the other side of his body. Then, the bat attempted to suck some fresh, magical Hylian blood out of him, but it didn’t work, and it immediately died of starvation, like some random guy named Bob living in Tennessee would if he didn’t get 5 square meals every minute.
A random bird chirped overhead, soaring throughout the skies and pooping a big, hot mess on Roy’s head.
“HEY! A BIRD JUST POOPED ON ME, LINK! LINK? LINK!!! ARE YOU DEAD?!” Roy screamed. Link, amazingly not dead yet, just stared at the bat that was now on the floor.
“I dunno, Roy, there’s two gigantic holes in my chest and my heart stopped beating,” Link said idly. He kicked the bat like a football. It flew 100 feet into the air, hit an airplane, stole an old woman’s purse and cheesecake, rode a taxi to Hawaii, and then smacked Roy in the face before landing on the floor again.
Roy crouched down and licked a rock. Then, he picked it up and threw it at Link’s head.
“ROY!” Link yelled.
“IT WAS SALTY!” Roy exclaimed. Suddenly, he became wide-eyed and pointed behind Link. “TURN AROUND!”
Link turned around. Nothing was there, so he turned to face Roy again, only to find that he was holding a deadly, powered-up chainsaw the size of Jupiter and was laughing maniacally.
“MWAHAHAHA!!!”
“…”
Suddenly, the rabid bunny from before came back, holding a Metroid.
“HAHAHA! NOW I CAN FINALLY EAT YOU FOR—”
Roy attempted to slice the bunny in half.
“I JUST ATTEMPTED TO SLICE THE BUNNY IN HALF!”
The bunny squeaked in terror and bounced off, since Roy only attempted to slice it in half. The Metroid freed itself from the rabid bunny’s grasp and attached itself to Link’s head, since Roy’s head had nothing inside it. Link didn’t hesitate to slice it apart with his sword.
Coincidentally, Zelda randomly bumped into him.
“Link!” she exclaimed. Then she gasped. “So it is true! Your hat is gone!”
“Wait—Zelda?!” Link gasped. “But I thought… That you were… That you… You—”
“Goddesses, your hair is so messy! Here, allow me to fix that—”
Zelda began to walk closer, but Link quickly pushed her away.
“Zelda! I thought you were dead!” he responded. “What happened?!”
“Oh, Wario was sitting on me while he was eating a cheesecake, so he revived me.”
“…”
Roy randomly stepped in.
“Hello, Mr. Bear. What would you like to do today? Oh, you want to have a tea party? Marvelous! I’ll get the tea, so don’t you worry! Ah, I have the tea now, so just sit right down here on this rock, Mr. Bear. Might I say, your fur is awfully handsome and lustrous today! Ooh, and those sharp teeth! You must’ve worked hard to possess such fine teeth. Hmm, this tea is truly refreshing! Would you like some more? Okay, let me just tip this into your cup, Mr. Bear…”
Roy threw a big rock at Zelda.
“ROY!” Link yelled.
Roy made a tree fall over on Link with his chainsaw.
“Forgive me, Mr. Bear. Now, where were we? Oh yes, did you enjoy your tea? Must I get you some crumpets? No? As you wish, Mr. Bear! Starting a story, are we? Splendid! Your stories are always so charming!”
Roy tripped over a snail and landed face-first into a random pile of stuff that was on the floor.
“NOOOO!!!”
Link got the tree off of him and strapped Roy to a rocket ship that just so happened to be there. It sent him to Mars.
Zelda and Link then left the area.
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“He’s lost it.”
“I know.”
“A lot has happened since I died.”
“Don’t put it that way, please.”
“I apologize.”
“It’s okay.”
Zelda and Link were following the Yellow Brick Road.
“So, tell me what happened,” Zelda asked. Her eyes trailed off to the two holes in his chest. “Especially to that,” she added, gesturing towards them.
“Okay, well…” Link started. “I’ve told this story about three times already, so…”
“Go on.”
[Insert Link telling story AGAIN here]
After the story, Zelda randomly vanished and a weird guy said,
“I like butter biscuits.”
“Who said that?”
“ME!”
“…Who?”
“ME, YOU IDIOT!”
“…And who is that?”
“LOOK! I’M RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!”
“Huh?”
“SUSHI TREES IN PIKACHU!”
“…What’s going on…?”
“AS A BUSH! NO HIDING! BUDDY KNEELS! SCREW THAT!”
“…Zelda?”
“I’M NOT A GIRL, YOU PIECE OF GRASSY SOAP!”
“Um…”
“WHEN HE’S LOST LOST, I GO SNIFF MY ALOE!”
“But—”
“GO SHAVE ALL MY DISHWARE. RUN.”
“I don’t want to—”
“YOU’RE A WAR BUS! SAD, BUT THAT’LL BURN ALL YOUR SURFACE HEALTH.”
“…What?”
“MORE HOLES BE BROWN! THAT’S IT! UGLY UGLY!”
“…I’m not even gonna try anymore.”
“HEY! HE HAS A CAT! NAME IS ASUI!”
“…”
“HEY! KNEEL. SIT ON ME NOW! YOU’LL—YOSH! YOU’LL MAKE NO HABIT. AAEEE! YUP.”
“Okay, seriously—”
“HIPHAAP! SNORT WITHIN OUR BEDROOM! WITH THE SEA, LICKS IT NERVOUSLY!”
“Stop… Yelling…”
“YOU’RE IN OUR FOOT!”
“That’s… Nice…”
“MY FAMILY FIGHTS WITH HORSES BUT THEY ONLY FIXED THE TOWEL FOR RAVIOLI.”
“…Zelda? Where’d you go…? There’s a weird guy talking to me here…”
“MY OWL HAS A POOP THAT SWIM! SEE HIM?”
“…I think I’m just gonna leave…”
“HEEEEEY… A MOOSE… HYPNO MADE A DITTO.”
Miles away, in a land called the Super-Awesome Wonderfully-Superb Mega Gigantic Amazing Fantastic Tremendous World of Chicken Pot Pie, Pokémon Trainer watched intriguingly as a female Hypno gave birth to a Ditto.
“I’M WATCHING A FEMALE HYPNO GIVE BIRTH TO A DITTO!”
Suddenly, the evil sandwich appeared and stole all of his Pokéballs.
“HEY!” Pokémon Trainer yelled, “GIVE ME BACK MY BALLS!”
The evil sandwich snickered and flushed itself down a toilet.
“NOOOO! MY BALLS! THEY WERE SO YOUNG!”
Pokemon Trainer started crying. Then, a random talking balloon came up to him and attempted to stuff itself down his shirt for no apparent reason.
“You could always get more balls, you know…” it crooned.
“Hey! That’s a great idea!” Pokémon Trainer exclaimed. “I MUST GET MORE BALLS!”
And so, Pokémon Trainer embarked on a stupid, endless journey to get more balls with a talking balloon stuffed down his shirt.
Meanwhile, Link was still trying to figure out who was talking to him, and how Zelda mysteriously vanished after he told his story to her.
“You’re not making any sense,” he said. “Please, tell me where she went—”
“PILLOWS IN MY EYE!” the random, strange, and always-yelling guy yelled once more. Link wanted to slice him apart with his sword really badly, but he decided not to because there were waffles on the guy’s head, which made Link unable to use his sword for some reason.
“Ugh… Let me ask you again—”
“LAST TIME I PEED OUTSIDE IT WAS IN AUGUST!”
“Stop—”
“THE WATER HAS SAUSAGES IN THE CHAIR!”
“Please—”
“I FELL IN LOVE WITH PATTY CAKES ALL OVER AGAIN! YARLOON!”
“Seriously—”
“HUM IN THE POT FEEDING FOOD! THE RED BREAD REALLY BEAT THE OLD HEN… I BOOED A WALLET, SAUCY AND SLIPPERY! MORE THAN SAID, BUT BREAD SHEEEEEEP!!!”
Suddenly, Link realized that the ‘person’ in front of him was none other than the sandwich. But since it still had waffles on its head, Link could not get himself to slice it in half to retrieve his hat back.
So instead, he decided to strangle it.
“Give me my hat back!” he ordered while squeezing the helpless, vulnerable, and totally innocent sandwich, banging it wildly against the floor.
A random couple walking through the woods for their honeymoon was just passing by.
“Honey, look at that!”
“What is he doing?”
“It looks like he’s trying to squeeze a sandwich to death.”
“Should we take him to the mental facility, dear?”
“Hmm… No, someone else probably will. Come on, honey, I don’t want his craziness to rub off on you.”
Link threw the sandwich at the couple, picked it up again before it could flee, and then ran off with it.
“Should we consult the police, dear?”
“Oh no, honey, someone else probably will.”
“Okay, dear.”
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After escaping the forest, running 500 miles, watching the waffles slip off of the sandwich’s head, and finally getting off of the Yellow Brick Road, Link arrived in a meadow filled with beautiful flowers, trees, and super-hungry alligators. He pushed the sandwich down onto the floor and stepped on it, drawing his sword.
“GIVE IT!” Link commanded, pointing the tip of his blade at it menacingly and he held it down with his foot.
The sandwich squirted out mustard at him, snickering. Link, aggravated, grabbed the sandwich violently and smashed it into a tree.
“I’m only gonna ask you one more time;” Link growled, “GIVE. IT. BACK.”
“Are you really that desperate for your hat?” a voice asked behind him.
“YES!” he answered, not even bothering to turn around. He shook the sandwich. “WELL?!”
The sandwich squirted out mayonnaise this time.
“ARGH! THAT’S IT!” Link yelled, pushing the sandwich down on the floor and holding his sword threateningly above it. He was just about to strike when—
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” the voice said again.
“AND WHY NOT?!” Link questioned, still not turning around in fear that the sandwich might get away.
“If you killed it, then you’ll never get your hat back.”
“WELL, IT’S NOT GIVING IT TO ME NOW, SO WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?!”
“Have you ever considered being nice to it? You should always choose peace over violence.”
“IT’S A FREAKIN’ SANDWICH.”
“So? It was capable of stealing your hat, right?”
“WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?”
Link finally turned around.
It was Roy.
Because of this, Link accidentally dropped his sword and killed the sandwich with its tip.
It suddenly pooped out three Pokéballs and Link’s wonderfully awesome hat that he almost killed everyone for.
“…”
“…”
“…See? That worked just fine.”
“But peace over violence…”
“‘Peace over violence?’ I never thought I’d hear you say that.”
“What? ‘Peace over violence?’ When’d I ever say that?”
“Just now.”
“Liar.”
“Roy, you just—”
“Liar.”
“…Forget it.”
“eyaugti7wehqtcfn87eu!!!”
“I totally understood that. Now, come on, let’s go home.”
Link took back his hat from the now-dead sandwich, which didn’t look any different from the ‘alive’ sandwich whatsoever. He put it back on. Then, he decided to take the Pokéballs, too, since they obviously belonged to someone and he needed to return them. Finally, he also decided to take the sandwich back home, too. Just ‘cause he felt like it. He stuffed it into his tunic’s magical Hammerspace that holds STUFF!
As they walked home, Roy got eaten by an alligator. However, since Roy had red hair, he easily sliced his was out of it with a banana he found in a pen.
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Pokémon Trainer was still looking for his Pokéballs.
“WHERE ARE MY BALLS?!” he cried out while he sat on the very toilet that the sandwich has flushed itself down after he stole his Pokéballs.
The balloon that was stuffed down his shirt replied,
“You should eat some CDs. They help your digestion.”
“…What?”
“Honey cakes for the win.”
“I—”
“MY MAIN IS LEVEL 500! LOL!”
“WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME FIND MY BALLS?!”
Pokémon Trainer was in a dilemma.
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“I dare you to eat it.”
“No way. I’m not having that thing inside of me. It might come back to life and do… Stuff…”
“You’re such a coward for someone that’s supposed to have the Triforce of Courage.”
“And you’re such a… Ugh, forget it.”
“BAWK! BAWK BAWK BAWK!!!”
“Roy…”
“EAT IT! EAT IT!”
“Why don’t you?”
“I’m too awesome to eat that.”
“Suuuure…”
As they arrived at the Smashers’ residence, Link, not wanting to use the door like normal people, decided to climb through the window right next to the door. He smashed the glass of the window with a gigantic random rock he found randomly sitting in a random spot beside him and climbed inside the building… Again, like he did before. Roy, not wanting to climb through the window with Link this time, burned down the front door with his awesome fiery-powers of doom and stepped through.
“Climbing through windows is so lame.”
“And you say that after you burnt down the door.”
“WHO BURNT DOWN THE DOOR?!”
“…”
Roy suddenly got mauled by a horde of sunflowers. However, Link decided to save him from the deadly flowers, so he cut all of their stems off and then kicked Roy into the kitchen.
“Why do you keep on getting attacked by random stuff?” Link questioned.
“Un porco esta in me canson!”
“…One of these days, I’m gonna learn how to not talk to you.”
Suddenly, something wiggled inside Link’s tunic.
“LINK! THE SANDWICH IS ALIVE!” Roy screamed.
“No, Roy, it can’t be alive. I killed it—”
The sandwich, which was now bleeding ketchup from its wound, jumped out from his tunic and smacked him in the face.
“LINK! THE SANDWICH IS ALIVE!” Roy screamed again.
“YOU SAID THAT TWICE!” Link replied, wiping out ketchup from his eyes. Then, he jumped forward and grabbed the sandwich forcefully, shoving it against the cold floor.
“Why don’t you ever give up?!” he yelled.
“--- - -- - ----- - - ---- - --- -- -,” the sandwich replied.
“Please; that’s not even possible to say,” Link answered, attempting to choke it once more after drawing his sword again. Roy, behind him, began to rummage through his pants in hope that he would find the Tooth Fairy.
“-- - -- ------ - - - - - --- - --- - ------ -- -, --- - - - ----- -- ----- --- -- --- --- -… -- - - -! -- - - ---- ------- - --- --- -- ---- --- - - - - --- - - - - --- - --; - -- -- -- --- -- -- - - --- -!” the sandwich screamed.
Link chose to ignore its nonexistent words and began to stab it with his sword. It squirmed around every time, yet it still didn’t die, even after he stabbed it about 100 times already.
“-- - --- -,” the sandwich whispered.
“QUIET!” Link yelled back at it. Then, he began to slice it in half, but every time he did, the sandwich would just regenerate itself. Then, he decided to microwave it, so he set it to 10 hours.
“I’VE BEEN UNDRESSED BY KINGS! AND I’VE SEEN SOME THINGS THAT A WOMAN AIN’T ‘SPOSED TO SEE! I’VE BEEN TO PARADISE BUT I’VE NEVER BEEN TO ME~!!!” Roy sang horribly off-key as he recited lyrics from a random song.
Link turned around, aggravated.
“…Roy, come on, we need to play Hide & Go-Seek while the sandwich is in the microwave. Here, I’ll be nice and pick your hiding spot for you. It’s gonna be so secret that I won’t find out where you are.”
Link dragged Roy into the bathroom, locked him in there, and left.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 hours later, Link returned to the kitchen to find that the sandwich was playing with a bar of soap he found while watching TV. Aggravated, he unsheathed his sword again and began attacking the sandwich like a crazy maniac.
Marth walked into the kitchen.
“ARGHHHH! DIE! DIE! DIE!!!” Link yelled while stepping on it. Then he threw it up into the air and sliced it in half. It plopped onto the floor and regenerated itself again.
“Link,” Marth started, decided to stay and watch instead of leaving like he usually does, “what’s going on? Why is Roy trapped in the bathroom upstairs?”
“THIS STUPID SANDWICH WON’T DIE!”
Roy suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
“USE THE FORCE, LINK!” he screamed. “YOU MUST EAT IT!”
“NO! WHY DON’T YOU?!”
“I MUST GO DEFROST SOME CHICKEN!”
Roy started to defrost some chicken.
“He does have a point there, though,” Marth stated. “If swords won’t kill it, stomach acid will. It’s a sandwich, after all.”
Link threw it into a pit of lava. However, it jumped right back out and twirled around like a ballerina.
“--- - - - --- - -- - -- --- -- --- ------ -- - - - -- -!!!” it gleefully exclaimed.
“NO! I CAN’T LISTEN TO YOUR WORDS!”
Link ran upstairs with the sandwich and grabbed a bottle of shampoo. He emptied its contents into the sandwich.
It giggled.
“EAT IT!” Roy screamed, suddenly appearing beside him again while eating some chicken. “MY DOG CRIES VIDEO GAMES BUT ONLY PEES IN THE PIANO!”
“!”
The sandwich spat out the shampoo.
Link started hitting it with a hammer.
While Link was maniacally hitting it with a hammer, a glass box suddenly fell from the sky and into Marth’s hands. Because of this, it gave him an idea.
Marth ran over to Link and trapped the sandwich into the glass box.
“…”
“…What?” Marth wondered.
“…Trapping it? What good will that do?” Link replied, holding the hammer.
“Well, it might give us time to think about how we’re going to get rid of it.”
“…So how are we—”
“I KNOW HOW WE CAN GET RID OF IT!” Roy yelled out again. He rushed over to them and snatched the glass box away, shaking it wildly. “WE CAN USE THIS IN OUR NIGHTLY TRUTH-OR-DARE GAME!”
“…Roy, it’s already enough that you force us to play that with you every night—”
“WE CAN DARE SOMEONE TO EAT IT!”
“…”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That night, Roy abducted Marth, Link, Pokémon Trainer (and the balloon), Mario (with his galactic toilet-head), Peach, Samus, Pit, Kirby’s dead body, Zelda, Fox, Jigglypuff, Donkey Kong, Falco, Ganondorf, some random 5-year old kid and himself from their beds and dragged them all downstairs into the main room, tying them to chairs all lined up in a circle with rope.
“OMG!!!1! WATS GOIN ON?!?!?!?!!?” the random 5-year old kid exclaimed.
“I JUST ABDUCTED YOU AND STRAPPED YOU ONTO A CHAIR SO THAT YOU CAN PLAY TRUTH-OR-DARE WITH ME!!!” Roy yelled in return.
“OMG!1!!1!!! TATS SO AWSUM MAN!” the kid yelled again, giggling with excitement.
“What?! I didn’t think you were serious, Roy!” Link exclaimed.
“I didn’t think so either,” Marth agreed.
“JIGGLYPUFF!!!” Jigglypuff yelled, clearly aggravated that he/she was tied to a chair.
“You don’t like being tied to a chair, Jigglypuff?” Roy asked politely for some reason.
“JIGGLYPUFF!!!”
“Oh, there, there, Jigglypuff, I’ll let everyone out, too,” Roy crooned, patting him/her lightly on the head. Then, he untied everyone. However, it didn’t seem like anyone wanted to leave, apparently, so they all stayed.
“…Why are we here?” Pit asked, yawning.
“Didn’t you hear him?” Zelda responded, clearing ignoring the fact that she had mysteriously disappeared a while ago, leaving Link with the sandwich. “He wants us to play his nightly Truth-or-Dare game again.”
“But he didn’t tell us this time, so I thought that there wasn’t a game tonight…”
“TONIGHT IS DIFFERENT!” Roy proudly exclaimed, jumping into the center of the circle. Everyone paused, thinking that he would say something else, but he didn’t, so Fox asked,
“How is it different?”
“TONIGHT IS DIFFERENT BECAUSE…” he paused for dramatic effect, even if it didn’t work out quite right, “…THERE IS A SANDWICH INVOLVED!”
Almost everyone groaned.
“A sandwich? Why—”
“WHERE ARE MY BALLS?!” Pokémon Trainer cried.
“What?!” Link realized. “Those were yours?!” He reached into his tunic and pulled out three of the Pokéballs that he had gotten from the evil sandwich of super-doom. He accidentally threw them at Pokémon Trainer’s head, although he didn’t understand how it was possible to accidentally throw something at someone when he was sitting right beside him.
“YES! MY POKÉBALLS HAVE RETURNED TO ME!!!” the trainer yelled with glee, hugging his Pokéballs. The balloon that was stuffed down his shirt reluctantly floated out and said,
“I believe I am not needed anymore. Remember to eat your vegetables, Red. And know this: the grass on the other side of the sky does not sing the song of the waffles.”
And then, it floated upwards, like all balloons do when you let go of them, but since the room it was in had a ceiling, the balloon ended up being stuck there for all eternity.
“COME ON!” Roy yelled, violently slamming a glass bottle down into the center of the circle. It remained intact. “WE HAVE TO START!”
“Why should we play after you abducted us from our beds?!” Peach whined. “A princess needs her beauty sleep!”
“YOU WILL PLAY BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO!” Roy growled, shaking the bottle at her. Then, he slammed it down again and spun it.
“O BOY O BOY! TIS IS FUN!” the 5-year old kid exclaimed, jumping up and down. Donkey Kong got annoyed by him so he punched him and then drowned him in a tub of ketchup, even though the kid survived.
Meanwhile, the sandwich was acting like a regular spinach-and-yak-meat sandwich as it lay imprisoned within the confines of the glass box.
While the bottle was still spinning, he scooted closer to Marth and Link and whispered—not yelled,
“The first person that chooses ‘Dare’ has to eat the sandwich!”
Then he smiled as if he was the happiest guy on Earth, for no apparent reason.
The bottle stopped. It had landed on Kirby.
“KIRBY!” Roy suddenly screamed, completely unaware that Kirby was, in fact, dead because of food poisoning. “TRUTH OR DARE?!”
Kirby stayed completely silent.
“…TRUTH OR DARE?!”
Kirby did not respond.
“WHY ARE YOU SO RUDE?! TRUTH OR DARE?!”
Kirby, again, did not respond.
Roy came over and kicked him. Then, he grabbed Kirby and started shaking him rowdily.
“KIRBY!!! ANSWER ME! TRUTH OR DARE?!”
“Roy! Stop yelling! Don’t you know how to talk correctly?!” Samus scolded.
“NO!” Roy immediately turned his attention back to Kirby. “THAT’S IT! YOU’RE OUT OF THE GAME!”
Roy threw Kirby out the window. Poor Kirby. Then, he went back to his seat and spun the bottle once more with a smile on his face, as if nothing happened.
Soon, the bottle stopped, landing on Samus.
“SAMUS!” Roy gleefully exclaimed. “TRUTH OR DA—”
“Truth.”
“Oh, you’re no fun,” he pouted. “Fine. Do you love me?”
“No. I quit.”
Samus walked out of the room.
“I… I NEVER LIKED YOU ANYWAY!” Roy yelled as she left. Then, completely ignoring everything that just happened once more, he spun the bottle. It went for a while, and then it stopped, landing on Jigglypuff.
“JIGGLY—”
“STOP YELLING OUT EVERYONE’S NAMES!”
“NO! JIGGLYPUFF, TRUTH OR DARE?!”
“…Jigglypuff? Jiggly jiggly!”
“…Was that a truth or a dare?”
“Jiiiiiiglypuff.”
“FORGET YOU! YOU’RE OUT OF THE GAME!”
Roy kicked him/her out the window. He/she landed on Kirby. He spun the bottle AGAIN. It landed on Mario.
“MARIO! TRUTH OR DARE?”
“…”
Mario couldn’t respond, since his head was stuck in a toilet.
“What? Did you just say that you do cows in your underwear?”
“…”
“Fine. You’re out of the game, too.”
Mario clumsily walked out of the room.
Roy spun the bottle. He was actually getting annoyed by now. It landed on Zelda.
“ZELDA! TR—”
“Um! I… I just remembered, Roy!” Zelda interrupted. “Link, uh, promised that he would help me cook in the kitchen tonight!”
“…What? I did?” Link asked.
“Yes, you did,” Zelda responded, grabbing Link’s arm. “Remember? We talked about it last night… Sorry, Roy, but we can’t play.”
“If you had to cook something, why’d you go to bed then?” Fox questioned. “It’s midnight.”
“…We were supposed to do it in secret.”
Falco butted in,
“Oh. Secret. I get it. You two wanna—”
“SHUT UP, FALCO!” Link yelled.
“…I can’t wait to see what you two ‘cooked’ together. Maybe nine months from now—”
Zelda dragged Link out of the room and into the kitchen. Ganondorf randomly decided to leave the room at that moment.
Roy ignored them and spun the bottle. It landed on Donkey Kong.
“DK! TRUTH OR DARE?”
Donkey Kong ran out of the room, bored.
“WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?!”
“I DO, ROY!!!1!1!” the 5-year old kid exclaimed, running over to hug him. “I LUVS JOO!”
“WELL, I DON’T!” Roy ruthlessly snapped. “GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE FAMILY!”
The kid started crying. He left the room. Roy spun the bottle for the [insert number here]th time.
Suddenly, a lot of screams could he heard from the kitchen.
“GANONDORF! GET OUT!”
“LINK! HE’S MESSING EVERYTHING UP!”
“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“I wonder what they’re cooking in there,” Falco smugly commented.
“Stop being like that, Falco,” Peach responded. “Obviously, they’re baking a cake or something and Ganondorf just wants to be mean, so he’s messing it up.”
“Suuure.”
“Why don’t you go in there, then? They’re only baking a cake.”
“Why would I ever want to—”
“WE HAVE TO FINISH THE GAME!” Roy shouted, pointing at the bottle. It had landed on Pokémon Trainer.
“RED! TRUTH OR DARE?”
“Dare!”
Roy was filled with so much happiness he jumped off a bridge, earning him another ‘I JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE LIKE AN IDIOT AND SURVIVED!!!1!!1’ badge. Then, he returned to the game.
“Red…” he said softly, inching in closer to the trainer. “I dare you to… EAT THAT SANDWICH!” He pointed to the glass box that suddenly had a ‘DANGER—DO NOT EAT’ sign on it. Inside, the sandwich wisely stayed dormant as it awaited to be devoured.
“OH MY ARCEUS!!!” Pokémon Trainer gasped. “IT’S THE SANDWICH THAT STOLE ALL MY POKÉBALLS! I’M NOT EATING THAT! I WANNA KILL ITTTTTTTT!!!”
Pokémon Trainer attempted to epically dive towards the glass box so that he could kill it, but he failed miserably after he tripped on Peach’s hair.
“NOOOO!!!”
“That wasn’t the dare, though, Red,” Marth pointed out. “Roy clearly stated that you had to eat it.”
“NO U!”
Pokémon Trainer got very mad and ran out the door.
“…This isn’t working, Roy,” Marth said again.
“YES IT IS!” Roy shouted, looking at the circle of people still there. Marth, himself, Peach, Pit, Fox, and Falco were the only ones that remained.
Roy growled before spinning the bottle once more.
This time, it landed on nothing.
“WHYYYYY?!”
Roy got angry and kicked the bottle out the window.
Suddenly, the kitchen exploded and pieces of cake flew everywhere.
“UGH! GANONDORF, WHY’D YOU HAVE TO RUIN IT FOR US?!”
“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“GET OUTTTTTTTTT!!!”
The kitchen exploded again, and a cake-covered Ganondorf was flung out into the main room, landing on Roy.
“…See, Falco?” Peach said, looking at the cake. “I told you they were just baking cake.”
Since Falco was epically awesome, he didn’t say anything and left the room.
“WE NEED A NEW PLAN!” Roy suddenly screamed, grabbing the glass box. “MARTH, GET LINK AND MEET ME IN THE STORAGE ROOM UPSTAIRS!”
Roy ran backwards up the stairs holding the glass box. Marth sighed, got up, and walked towards the destroyed kitchen covered in white cake.
“Link,” he called, trying to avoid the cake goop that was splattered all over the room, “we need to go.”
Link mumbled something, possibly to Zelda, and then left the room with Marth. The entire, long, and hard, journey up the stairs proved to be an epic struggle. As they were struggling during the epic struggle, Marth was tempted to ask Link,
“…So, what happened in the kitchen?”
Link, after a while, reluctantly answered,
“…Ganondorf blew up the cake.”
“Yes, I know that,” Marth replied, “but what happened before that?”
“…I was asking her why she disappeared right in front of me today.”
“…What?”
“…I was telling her a story and then she suddenly disappeared…”
“…”
“…Then we decided to bake a cake, since we didn’t want anybody to come in and think that we were doing something, uh, different…”
“Yes…”
“And then Ganondorf just busted in… He started to blow random stuff up… Plus, he even put the cake mix stuff into the microwave… Then he threw the microwave out the window…”
The conversation ended there, because the epic struggle up the stairs was complete. Link and Marth were very grateful, and they both hoped that they would never have to endeavor such a horrible thing ever again. However, it was then that a crab was thrown at their faces, which caused them to fall back down the flight of stairs. Luckily, they suffered no head, knee, thigh, arm, face, nose, eye, hand, finger, toe, leg, ankle, knuckle, elbow, neck, hair, foot, back, or sword scabbard injury, so they quickly made their way back up the stairs again—this time, they took each step very carefully so that they wouldn’t fall on any crabs.
They arrived at the top of the stairs in less than 1/9,999,999,999,999,999th of a second.
“…”
“Yeah, I know.”
“…”
Roy came up to them just then.
“I CAN GROW AND FERTILIZE A MUSTACHE!!!” he yelled. “AND I CAN SCRATCH THE CARD AT THE LANTERN’S WHEEL!”
“…That’s… Nice…”
“COME ON! WE HAVE TO GO THINK ABOUT HOW WE’RE GONNA GET RID OF THE SANDWICH!!!”
Roy grabbed both of them by their hair and dragged them into the cramped-up storage closet. It was very dark, and it smelled as if Wario ate ten thousand bean burritos and then came there to fart. It also smelled like a dead platypus covered in unicorn hair and smothered in syrup. Roy knew what that smelled like for some reason.
Either way, since the storage room contained mops, coats, jackets, frying pans, video games, swords, oil, nuclear energy, brooms, and empty tissue boxes, all three of them were very scrunched up.
“Roy,” Marth spoke out in the darkness, “where’s the light switch? I think some bugs are crawling all over my hair…”
“THERE’S NO LIGHT SWITCH!” Roy screamed, laughing like a maniac.
“Don’t yell! You’re right beside me!” Link snapped back.
“NO WAY!”
“Let’s just get this over with. So how are we going to get rid of the sandwich?” Marth spoke out again.
“Why does it have to be so hard to deal with?” Link half-whined. “I chased it for days trying to get my hat back… And when I finally got it, it won’t die!”
“It’s just like that, I suppose.”
“I NEED TO USE THE TOILET!!!”
Roy kicked Marth and Link in the face ‘accidentally’ and ran out of the storage closet.
“…”
“…”
“Now what?”
“We should get out of the storage closet.”
“Great idea.”
Marth opened the door, only to be met with Roy.
“HEY GUYS!” he shouted. “WHY ARE YOU IN A STORAGE CLOSET?”
“…”
“…I hate his stupidity.”
“ARE YOU HAVING A REBELLIOUS DANCE PARTY IN HERE? I WANNA JOIN!”
Roy forced his way in and attempted to do the Worm.
“OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!”
“…”
“…We should really leave now.”
“SO YOU WEREN’T HAVING A DANCE PARTY?! AWWWWW!!!”
Link and Marth ran out of the room as quickly as possible. However, Roy followed them.
“Where are you guys going?! We’re supposed to be in the storage room thinking about how to kill the sandwich!” he reminded. Link and Marth looked at each other, and then looked back.
“…Why don’t we just talk out here, Roy?”
“OKAY!”
They all sat down in the middle of the hallway.
“So… What do we do?” Link wondered.
“I HAVE AN IDEA!” shouted Roy, standing up and jumping wildly. “WE NEED TO GO TO THE CONVENIENCE STORE!”
Roy dragged Link and Marth to the nearest convenience store, named ‘Nearest Convenience Store.’
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the automatic doors opened for them, the three of them stepped inside the overly-lighted store reluctantly, except for Roy, who had a very big grin on his face. They walked over to the counter.
“I’m gonna order something from them!” he screamed, although not as loudly as he usually does. He stepped up to the cashier, who was a 5-eyed giant snail covered in bird feathers and a lot of soy sauce.
“How may I help you?” he asked.
“Um… Umm…” Roy sputtered.
“Yes?” the snail asked again.
“Um… Umm…” Roy hesitated.
“Do you need anything?” the cashier questioned, starting to get irritated.
“Um… Umm…”
“Come on, a line is starting to form!”
A line of impatient Sonics suddenly formed behind Roy, Link, and Marth.
“…Can I have some dental shampoo?” Roy finally answered.
“You mean toothpaste?”
The snail put some toothpaste into a slimy bag.
“Anything els—”
“One egg, please.”
“One egg.”
The snail dropped one egg into the bag.
“Another egg, please.”
“Two eggs, then.”
Another egg went into the bag.
“Can I have another one?”
“Three eggs…”
A third egg plopped into the slimy bag.
“…Maybe I don’t want that last egg.”
The snail took the egg out and placed it on the counter.
“…Then again, yes, I do.”
Groaning, the snail put it back into the bag.
“Is that all?” he sighed.
“Yes—I mean, no!” Roy caught himself. Behind him, Link, Marth, and the large line of Sonics groaned.
“I want some chicken noodle soup,” Roy stated.
The snail cashier reached behind him for some a can of chicken noodle soup—
“NO! NOT IN A CAN!” Roy gasped. “I have to have some in my friend’s shield over there…”
Roy pointed to Link, who looked at him strangely.
“Alright then. Tell him to give me his shield,” the snail moaned.
“Link, give him your—”
“No way.”
“Come on, Link, be a nice guy—”
“Stop messing around, Roy. You said that this was going to help us.”
“FINE THEN! I’LL JUST TAKE MY SOUP IN A CAN!”
He snatched the can from the snail and stuffed it into the bag.
“Are you done?” the snail complained.
“NO!” Roy snapped. “I WANT SOME COOKIES NOW!”
Some cookies were placed into the bag.
“And some bananas.”
Bananas were dropped into the bag.
“Wait, take the bananas out and replace them with bananas.”
“How do I—”
“Some antibacterial aloe-enriched hand sanitizer please!”
“Okay—”
“And some Pikachu fur.”
“Uh—”
“Another egg.”
“…”
“Some mushrooms, and a log.”
“…”
“A beefy taco.”
“…!”
“What about… A cabra de oro!”
“A what?!”
“And a manly carrot—”
“Please—”
“How much is all that?”
“10 cents—”
“Here’s one hundred dollars.”
“Don’t you have anything smaller?”
“Here’s one hundred dollars!”
“Don’t you have anything smaller?!”
“Give me change, then.”
“Certainly—“
“I don’t want it in bills.”
“Slow down please—”
“Can I use the toilet?”
“We don’t have one.”
“Where do you go then?”
“Never mind; it’s over there.”
“Hey look a bunny—”
“ROY! STOP IT!” Marth and Link yelled to him in unison. All the Sonics clapped.
“I NEED SOME SYRUP!”
“You don’t need anything else!” Link scolded. “Let’s get out of here!”
“But—”
“No ‘buts,’ Roy,” Marth hushed. “This is meaningless.”
“What about the sandwich?!”
“We’ll have to think of another way to get rid of it, then,” answered Link, grabbing Roy’s left arm while Marth grabbed his right. “But not in here.”
They began to drag him out of the store.
“Thank you for shopping at Nearest Convenience Store!” the annoyed snail yelled back in the happiest tone he could imagine. “Don’t come again!”
“I can’t believe that didn’t work!” whined Roy. “I was sure that the sandwich would die if we…”
“There was no way that could’ve worked, whatever you were thinking,” Link hushed.
“But—”
“I said no ‘buts!’” Marth reminded Roy, shooting him a slightly cold glare. Immediately, he stopped talking.
Since the Nearest Convenience Store was a long way from home, the trio had no choice but to stop in a random hotel to rest of the night. Coincidentally, it was named ‘Nearest Hotel.’
Roy had an acute fear of hotels since he was always afraid that zombies were stashed under the hotel beds, so he started struggling as they approached Nearest Hotel.
“Roy! Stop it!” Marth and Link yelled.
“NO! THE ZOMBIES WILL EAT MEEEE!!!”
“Well, we need somewhere to stay, and this is our only option!” Link replied.
“WHY CAN’T WE JUST CAMP OUT IN THE FOREST?! YOU USED TO LIVE IN THE FOREST, TOO, LINK!”
“…THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO! Now stop being such a coward and stop struggling!”
“NEVAH!”
Roy accidentally kicked Marth in the face.
“OW!”
“I’M NOT SORRY!”
“Ugh! Here, since you’re stronger than me, Link, I’ll go in and book us a room while you try and drag him in!” Math suggested.
“Whoever said that I was stronger than you?!”
“Well, everyone thinks I’m a sissy because of my tiara and the way my hair is—”
“What about me then?! I’m apparently the elf boy in a skirt that wears earrings!”
“Earrings aren’t as bad as a tiara!”
“NO ZOMBIES!!! NOOOO!!!”
“Fine! Just go, Marth!”
Marth let go of Roy and dashed into the hotel. Just as he entered, he darted back out.
“They said that they took Mushroom Kingdom Coins!”
“What? I thought everything in this world took Smash Coins!”
“I thought so too…”
“You don’t have any Mushroom Kingdom Coins?”
“Why would I?”
“Is that all they take?!”
“I guess so…”
“What—ugh!”
Roy attempted to jump away from the hotel, but Link quickly pulled him back and began gradually dragging him towards it again.
“I SEE A COW IN THE STARS!”
“Ask them if they take anything else, Marth!”
Marth rushed back into the hotel, spoke a few words, and then ran back out again.
“They said that they took sandwiches…”
“Sandwiches?!”
“…Yes.”
“SANDWICHES?!” Roy screamed. Link let go of him, and he stood upright, pulling out the glass box with the sandwich from a random place. He stuffed it into Marth’s hands and pointed towards the hotel.
“GO, MARTH! MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!”
“…”
“…”
Marth walked into the hotel with the glass box, leaving Link to make sure that Roy didn’t do anything crazy.
“Excuse me, again,” Marth said politely as he stepped inside.
“Yes?” the woman behind the desk answered.
“I have a sandwich with me now; may we book a room?”
“Let me see that sandwich.”
Marth handed the box over to her. She held it in her hands and examined it.
“What type of sandwich is it?”
“…Excuse me for a moment. I have to go ask my friend again.”
Marth ran outside once more.
“Link!” he called. “What type of sandwich is the sandwich?”
“Um…” he thought. “…I think it’s a spinach-and-yak meat one.”
“YUM!” Roy gleefully exclaimed.
“Okay.”
The prince dashed inside again.
“It’s a spinach-and-yak meat one.”
“I see. Well, this might do.” She reached behind her and took a shiny silver key out from where it was hanging on the wall. “Your room is Room 1,867,462,640 on the top floor. Enjoy your stay.”
Marth poked his head out the door and gestured for Link and Roy to come in.
“Roy,” Link said as he saw the motion, “close your eyes. I have a surprise for you.”
“WOW! A SURPRISE! I LOVE SURPRISES!!! I WONDER WHAT AWESOME SURPRISE LINK IS GONNA GIVE ME!!!”
Roy covered his eyes and jumped up and down in glee. Link ignored everything he said and dragged him into the hotel and stood beside Marth.
“So what’s our room number?”
“…I’m not sure.”
“Don’t you people listen at all?!” the woman behind the counter snapped. “Or maybe you just have bad memory! Your room number is 1,867,462,640 on the top floor! Get it straight!”
“…”
“…Thanks…”
Link and Marth walked over to the stairs.
“There’s no elevator?” Link asked.
“…How do you know what an elevator is?”
“I’m not stupid…”
“Yes, but…”
“OMG! THAT KID JUST THREW A PEAR AT ME!”
“…At least he’s making more sense now, you know.”
“How was he before?”
“…”
“I see. Now come on, we have a long way to go.”
Marth and Link walked up the stairs, but Link was having an extremely hard time with it since Roy weighed a thousand tons and he had been forced to drag him all the way here.
“Marth! Can’t you help me?” Link asked after the 100th flight of stairs.
“But you’re stronger than me,” Marth replied.
“I’m not stronger than you!”
“Then how did you wrestle Gorons one time and won?”
“I… When’d I tell you that?”
“Zelda was bragging about it.”
“…”
“You should hurry, Link, we have about 435 more flights of stairs to go.”
This time, the journey up the stairs weren’t so epic.
The next day, Marth, Link, and Roy, who was still wondering what his big surprise was, arrived on the top floor of the 3-foot hotel. By then, Marth was incredibly sleepy and Link felt like he was about to die. Roy, however, was shaking with excitement.
“TELL ME WHAT THE SURPRISE IS NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!”
Link let go of Roy and fell down to the floor, panting. Marth laid down beside him and started to sleep.
“Marth…” Link whispered, exhausted, “…why… didn’t… you… help… me?”
“…Tired…”
“…It’s… already… worse enough… that… a… vampire bat… made… my heart… stop… beating…”
The dolphin from the beginning of the story suddenly crashed through the ceiling and landed on both of them. It started singing a horrible song off-key:
“Oh~
There once was a man named Tim!
He knew my uncle Jim!
And whenever they watched TV,
They would always watch history,
Because they loved eggplants,
And fire ants,
That crawled through their pants,
And something goes here that’s supposed to rhyme!
Blah blah blah!!!”
“ENCORE!” Roy screamed with joy.
“Aw, am I really that good?” the dolphin answered, blushing.
“I LIKE TUNA!”
“Ok then!”
The dolphin took a deep breath and began to sing once more,
“Oh~
Once upon a time,
There were two guys named Link and Marth—”
Link smacked him with the hilt of his sword, and it got scared and attempted to swim away on the floor.
Suddenly, a woman’s manly scream was heard on the bottom floor. But, since Link was about to die and Marth was too tired to care, it was up to Roy to save the day!
“IT’S UP TO ME TO SAVE THE DAY!” Roy attempted to heroically say. His eyes were still closed, however, and Roy fell down the stairs.
All 535 flights.
Sonic dashed over to him once he hit the bottom, unscathed.
“YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO—”
“NO! NOT THAT AGAIN!” Roy screamed, kicking the poor, innocent little hedgehog and sending him to Team Rocket’s base in Kanto, where they mistook him for a rare blue Pokémon and attempted to run numerous tests on him.
Roy, blinded by his own sweaty palms, rushed over to the counter, where he DIDN’T see the woman being attacked by the sandwich, who had expertly escaped from the box after she opened it.
“HELP ME!” she screamed.
“MAYBE!” Roy replied. He stepped on the sandwich and enclosed it within the glass box again without seeing anything. It growled at him menacingly.
“-- -- ---- --- -! -- -- -- - --!!!” it rebelled.
“JUSTICE IS SERVED!” Roy proclaimed.
“I DON’T WANT THE SANDWICH ANYMORE!” the woman shrieked, terrified of its astonishing powers. “TAKE IT! TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!”
“MAYBE!”
Roy took the sandwich and brought it back to the top floor in less than 0.3527256th of a millisecond.
“LOOK, GUYS! I FOUND A SANDWICH!”
Roy randomly decided to open his eyes and not pay attention to his surroundings whatsoever. Then, he took the sandwich out of the glass box and tore it in half (making it scream in pain). He broke out in a menacing grin as he stuffed one half of it down Link’s throat and other half in Marth’s.
“MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” he laughed. “I IS EVIL!!!”
He continued laughing like that for many hours non-stop. Later, in the afternoon, Marth woke up and looked at Roy.
“Roy,” he hoarsely said, “how long was I asleep?”
“TODD! ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT I GET FARTY AND BLOATED WITH A FOAMY LATTE?!”
“…Never mind,” he yawned, gazing over to Link. Suddenly, Marth felt extremely sick. “…Ow… I… Ugh…”
“MWAHAHAHA THE SANDWICH COMES TO TAKE REVENGE!”
“…What?”
“PEACH’S OPERA ON SNAKE’S APPLE JUICE WHILE FANNING PILLOWS!”
Marth fell to the floor in pain.
“…What… Did you do? …Ow…”
“THAT’S FOR ME TO KNOW AND FOR YOU TO NEVER FIND—OH MY STAR TWINKIES WE’RE IN A HOTEL!”
Roy gasped in terror and then started running around in circles.
“AAAAHHHH!!! HOW DO WE GET OUT?!”
He didn’t notice the GIGANTIC, BIG, and GLOWING floating signs everywhere that said ‘EXIT.’
While he was running around in circles, he accidentally stepped on Link, Marth, two puppies, a cat, a bar of soap, a banana peel, Donkey Kong, and a copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
Stepping on Link and Marth caused Link and Marth to realize that they were Link and Marth, triggering Link and Marth to get up.
“Roy… really… What did you do…?” Marth whispered weakly, holding his stomach.
“AAAAHHH ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE OMG!”
“…What? What did he—Ow!” Link asked before having the same motion. “…Never mind.”
“We shouldn’t… have… left him… out in… the… open… like… that…” the prince sighed, shaking his head.
“Wait… he might’ve… he might’ve…”
“…Did what…?”
“…He might’ve done something… with the… with the sandwich…”
“…Impossible… The woman downstairs… Ow… She had it… Not Roy…”
“I heard… a scream… last night… when yo
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