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Reviewing all my old memories...
some painful some lovely..
some extreamly.......... Wow.

How ive reacted to things how over the years ive though i changed so much..but i havent

im still on the inside the most receptive and gulibal person...
just like when i was a little girl...always offering a hand...even if i wanted to kick them down more...i havent changed...if i wanted to scream and cry id just button it and sigh...No one. Absolutely NO ONE knows everything i think.

Is that bad? do people need to know?

all the suicidal and Dreadfully homicidal thoughts ive thunk in the past flood my head when im thinking. So many things ive done tht some or few know of.

somethings that ive done tht everyone knows.
i mean i know i convey alot of feelings on here but...these are directed and make since...like piecing together a puzzle!

i couldnt imagin you people to understand though...
*bonks self* am i the only one able to see my monsters?

people think im so nice....and i try to be but sometimes with out my awareness it could all be a facad to hide something thats really bothering me...

but im not always bothered so how do i get you to know?
i dont! oh boy thts been said alot now.

Another thing...im paranoid.
when im alone and i think to hard...negitive thoughts are the only things coming out. only the awful memories come back..

now now peopel think my lifes been swell no dark clouds just sunshine and lolly pops.

No.

Although if you were to randomly Ask me...i couldnt tell you...i can tell you now...cause ive been thinking.

Can you believe a girl like me...when everyone was sleep...Almost tried to overdose on some random medicen? Its amazing what you find when you think about it...

but then...

Happyness...
I see things i like and enjoy...and become swollen with joy. it makes me wanna just...<333333333333
yeah...its unexplainable.
Like...Koi Cosplay
I LOOOVE THEM...
when i see them i get this unimaginable loving feeling like the feeling when you know your in your own personall sanctuary.

Anime O: like naruto
when i rp it...with my friends or myself.
Amazing i just feel like im not even on earth.


Yaoi/Yuri
Just awesome to look at XD


And more...

but... When these things mix what do you get?

something unexplainable..

something magical? no...just... i dunno...
...im ranting...

Can you also believe this girl *points to self* is the only person who trusted and loved her father at one point? The reason he stayed alive?

"I couldnt imagin your face...if your saw your dad dead in a ditch on the news"

hehe..
....
Ow
im seriously holding back tears XD

who ever think all this stupid...


your stupid. dont judge me. in all serious ness...Go burn. And rot while your at it.

Feeling sorry if you called it stupid? if not, i wish you the best in hell.
:/ seriously. im tired of being critisized and or laughed at for my deep weird silly or NEW kinds of thought/feelings

It hurts...

what if you were truely upset...or hurt and i laughed in your face?
Youd kill me.

*sighs* this isnt directed towards anyone. Dead serious...im just saying there are people out there like that and my journals are public.

My life is all tangled right now. Desisions...Foreseen problems and questions...that might not be answered correctly or unbaised if i asked.

disapointing my family...
Losing friends...
Moving to another school...
Losing my current life...

its all up for grabs...

Sensitivity is another thing society needs to learn.

my heart right now is tight. like it wants to be hidden...either that or im REALLY cold in my room.

*sighs*....

i love my life.
but i wish sometimes...
that i could feel the problems others face
Like a (uh oh here she goes agn D< wink a gay couples shoes
i wanna know how it feels to be hurt everyday by people...

*still remember the sign tht says "fags die god laughs" * *shivers*
that still makes me tear up.

or! to walk down paths in rwanda africa....where all those women men and children died...

to touch the walls in a concentration camp or "Ghettoh" where little and big hand prents of people trying to claw there way out are left...
pictures of them hanged around...

...you think im crazy to want to be in there shoes...
But i do...i wanna feel there pain. Because if you felt it...youd be changed...youd never be the same...your whole perspective on things just might change forever.

i know mine would.

On a happier note...
i have to say i feel better typing out my random thoughts and feelings

But lets ask ourselves...with all the stuff we go through...is it really that bad...comapaired to others?

once you think that...think...Yes and no.

because diffrent things affect diffrent people...

:3 well i love you all...

CC signing off...
Much love....<33

oh ps...

YOU who dont think this is stupid...or just dumb...
YOU who are my friends and that love me
YOU
make me smile :]
thankyou all for being my friend...

ima go play more sims or something to make me happy :3