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My first serious journal entry in.. a long, long time.

What a destructive two weeks this has been. In the last two weeks, I have betrayed, been betrayed, lied, lost a friend, and lost a chance to be a potential love with somebody. I keep asking myself, "What have I done?" When, I know exactly what I've done. Fessing up is the easy part, it's living with it that's hard. Living with what you've done, living with your choices, and living with the consequences - this is what I am now faced with.

Is it better if I wasn't around? Sometimes I think it is. What I do, what I don't do, sometimes it always seems that it'll be wrong, no matter what. How do my friends feel around me, truthfully? Do they feel the same way? Do they feel as if I'm chaos walking through their life? Friends, boyfriends, family... there isn't one in which I have not destroyed. I'm not even out into the real world, but yet look at what I've done. Am I fit to be in the society as an adult, or was I destructive enough as young adult?

It started with some excitement. I don't party much. I had high exceptations. We were going to have some amazing people, and I hoped we would all be jolly and joined in unity. But the moment I arrived, it all went wrong. Everybody was angry at one another, many of us drank too much.. and I. I was the worst of all. I made an incredibly stupid, terrible choice. I betrayed one of my best friends.

By sleeping with my ex-boyfriend, I betrayed somebody who could have potentially been my boyfriend. There's one life who I had a touch of my chaos attached. Was my drunkenness an excuse? No. Now that I think about it, no. I used to think it was a liable excuse - but there's no escaping.. there's no getting away. I passed out, I barely remembered the experience, but by the morning it was an ugly reality that I was now faced with. Was I to tell my friend, and risk the chance of getting thrown aside completely? Or was I to hide it under my own shame? My friends were very disappointed in me, as I would expect them to be. I was disappointed in myself. I felt unpure, and my guilt was like a festering roaring waterfall that wouldn't stop. It's all I thought about for the few days following.

Did I make the right choice when I told my friend? Was I hoping to right my wrong? Is telling the truth always the best option, or is ignorance truly bliss? My hands were shaking, and my stomach was turning inside and out rapidly, that guilt waterfall flowed from my eyes, and my heart was racing at the speed of light - but I did it. I had remembered what my friend had said to be prior:
"'l'll ******** get rid of you."

Was I afraid? You bet. Did I expect forgiveness? No. Did I think he'd stay true to his word? Of course, even though I'd hope he wouldn't. I can't imagine what he felt like, but I could imagine. I felt a landslide of rocks crushing his soul.. or at least that's how I would have felt in his position. But you know.. I have some really amazing friends.

He's still talking to me.

Will he talk with me forever? I don't know. Is he still mad? Yes, and who knows how well it'll go on. Did I leave a permanent hole that time will have to heal? I don't know. Do I feel guilty? Everyday. But really, I've run of words. Will this conflict burn into both our minds from time to time? I think so.

My destruction doesn't stop there though.

What of my other friend? You know.. now that I think of it, was he really my friend? Does somebody take advantage of his drunk friend? I don't know really. I guess I wasn't a very good friend either though, I had apparently been pulling on his heartstrings since we broke up - and he's still holding on, while I've been trying to push him off for almost a year.. it was a matter of choosing. Do I choose a friend who I can drive 5 minutes to see, do I choose the friend who's here, in front of me, or do I choose the friend who lives in another country? Do I choose somebody who I am physically unable to touch, who I can only talk to through means of a screen?

Truthfully, I don't deserve either of them. And truthfully, I've hurt them both, how would I choose?

I made yet, another choice. Either way, somebody was going to hurt. Somebody was going to be erased from my life - simply cut out. Trying to make everybody happy just wasn't working, I was screwing it all up.
You never know how much you appreciate people, until you realize they could potentially be gone forever. And even though my friend was waters, lands and thosands of miles away - I chose. And I chose to betray my friend who was right in front of me.

Betrayal, and more chaos.

No choice was easy to make.. but I did it. Now this friend is gone. He is furious, and heartbroken. He is completely lost. But he is also impatient, ignorant, and childish. But nevertheless, he is hurt, because of me. I wont see him again, or talk. So I have to constantly wonder how he's doing, rather then just asking. Did I better his life, or did I yet again make it much, much worse?

It feels as if I've hit rock bottom.. but I'm slowly trying to get up. I will be slow to recover. Forgiveness, moving on, and happiness are all going to come with some time, and some help. Am I bad person? Did I do the right thing? This almost seemed like a great wall, rather then a little speed bump on my life road. And I drove to fast, and I crashed into it. But.. I survived. I could have avoided this wall, i could have swerved out of the way, but what's done is done. They say that time heals all wounds, and hopefully it heals mine.