I don't know what the Hell I did you deserve all this...of all months for my life to start suckingx10 it had to be the same month as my birthday(Which is now only 3 days away really...). I'm losing everything latly...I'm suprized I haven't lost my head yet! ******** almost lost my phone today...favorite DeathNote chain broke, Saku(My Skull'n'Crossbones hand guard), kept on breaking, a bunch of godamn Computer Sciences Quizes and an annoying History teacher that kicked me out her class a few days ago!! stressed All these things started hitting me hard after 'he' left me on Mother's Day...I've been cursed with crying myself to sleep each night at the heavy feeling of guilt that I've lost every boyfriend I've ever had in less than a year and now there's no one left to hold me in there arms and tell it's going to be alright......This lonliness in my heart is growing with each day regardless of how well I'm able to hide it from everyone and tell them not to worry about me...when really I've contemplated pulling out my old cutting tool that I haven't felt cut my wrists open with for a long time at least at one point in time each day. He said he still wanted to be friends...but no matter how much I want to...I fear I can't, He doesn't care for me like he use to anymore bacause I drove him away with everything that I am even though it wasn't my intention...more than anything I wanted to stay with him but I don't know how to talk to him because I was scared of him at the same time!...Why does this happen to me?!...What did I ever do to deserve this as a week early birthday present?!?...He's probably with that other girl now...she's probably a better girlfriend than I could ever be...I just wish I wasn't the scared, pathetic Child I am and have the courage to talk to him and tell him how I feel, but his cold eyes burn holes right through me, leaving me shaking inside and then I can't speak. He's probably the Happiest person ever to be rid of the person who was crushing his dreams and killing his happiness with my existance...I'm not holding him back now...He's free, and I dead...as long as he's happy I guess...There really isn't anyone out there for me is there?...of coarse there isn't!...I'm too..Strange...too different, confuzing, needy and annoying!... ...I'm a horrable, pathetic person that can't live without love, but love is something beyond my reach, isn't it?...I miss him so much...I feel so alone...all I have now is the giant stuffed Piggy he gave me for Christmas, and the the phone on my dresser that tells me to call him, but I'm chained by fear...fear of rejection, and Saddness that deepens the growing hole in my heart as I hear his cold voice and the tears that fall from my eyes at the thought that when I hang up the phone after saying goodbye, I can't say it anymore...those words that burn my soul and cause my eyes to burn with tears when I can't hear him say it anymore, not to me at least...in some ways, I'm happy He doesn't like reading, so he'll never read this, regardless of the fact a concerned friend of theirs thinks he should, he still probably wouldn't...In other ways, I wish he would find this so he could see how I feel and see what I wish I could say, he'd probably take something the wrong way though and I'd fear that if what I've typed here did get through his head, and even if he did take me back...it would only because he's worried about me and probably pitties me...He wouldn't really love me....*sigh*...I ask again...What the ******** did I ever do to deserve this?!?...Why Am I Continuously haunted and cursed with this burning depression that never seems to go away and follows me around like a dark rain cloud over my head?!?...... ...Why Do I have to suffer the pain of love?! All it does is scar me and leave me in tears that never stop falling, wether there falling on the outside or the inside or both! What I wouldn't give to feel his loving arms around me again and tell me it's going to be okay........I Miss you so much...I sorry I made your lif miserable... emo sad
Manah Uchiha Community Member 
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