What did I do, to deserve to feel this way...?
Why do I always feel like this...?
Why do I always feel like s**t...?
Why do some people find happiness... while others are lost in their own misery...?
Why does God seem to privilege some... and disown others...?
Why am I so depressed...?
UGH!!
I know why...
I know exactly why I'm depressed...
It’s quite a bit though...
But, whatever...
I guess one major reason is a fairly simple one. It’s the fact that my mother and “father” are divorced. It was a long and complicated divorce. It all started when my “aunt” (on my mother's side) set my father up with some whore of a friend. That's right... my “AUNT”, on my MOTHER'S side... someone I had known my whole life, someone that had babysat me, someone I had grown to love and to trust... turned her back on my mother, me, and my two brothers. Why would she do that to my family? Why would she rip us apart like that?
My “father” is no better… It’s just as much his fault as anyone else’s. He could have said no, he could have turned the whore down. It’s like he doesn’t care what happens to us, he ABANDONED us… he left us to fend for ourselves. It’s because of my “father” that I have become the major source of income for my remaining family… He doesn’t pay the child support that he is supposed to… and he doesn’t even pay my mom the alimony that she deserves… He’s a ******** DEADBEAT… It hurts to think about what I had planned with my "father". I thought he would always be there for me... I planned on inviting him to my wedding... I planned on him being a grandfather to my kids.... I planned on turning to him for advice when life got too hard... but, now... I have no father.... just the painful memories, along with the agonizing expectations.
Then I’ve got a younger brother who’s a drug addict…. That’s a whole other reason. All he does is hang out with his stoner friends all day, trying to figure out ways to get high… whether its smoking pot, or huffing paint… he doesn’t give a ********… as long as he gets high… I still over hear his conversations with his friends about getting high... and it kills me inside...
Work is another reason for my depression… Its complete hell! I have to work 5 to 6 days a week, from usually 4 p.m. to usually 12 a.m. and sometimes 1 or 2 a.m. during certain holidays. No matter how late I get out I still have to get up at 7 a.m. for classes. I usually end up going to class drained and weary, and thus end up falling asleep in class. Then, while at work I have to put up with angry customers, stupid new employees that want to tell me how to do my job, and bosses that want to ride my a** like I don’t do s**t. I mean WTF?!… I’m one of the best employees they got... they’ve told me plenty of times…. Even so, the pay isn’t even worth all the stress of the job… Minimum wage doesn’t go very far, after you have paid ALL the bills… which are usually past due…
College is no better, I mean obviously… its college, and you have to expect stress. I guess it just weighs down on me a little more than the typical student. Especially when you have professors who are complete assholes. I missed one assignment in this one class, and now everyday it seems… the professor has to call me out, in the middle of class and make me feel like a complete ******** idiot. I’m failing one of my college classes, and when I ask for help… no one gives a ********, they just move on with their merry happy little lives… and leave me in the dark… wondering, what the ******** I’m supposed to be doing… but who gives a ********... right?
I have no “friends” HERE , just people I talk to every now and then. There is no one here to hug me, or rub my back when I’m down. The only people that do actually seem to care are hundreds of miles away...
These few people that do seem to care about me… have at one point hated me… I know they have. You know what? I deserved it… I know I did, and I hate myself for it… The only people that actually cared about me… I ended up hurting them…
Finally, when all of this gets to be too much… In the end, there’s nobody HERE ... It’s just me… in my room… staring at the ceiling… wishing to die…
Why do I always feel like this...?
Why do I always feel like s**t...?
Why do some people find happiness... while others are lost in their own misery...?
Why does God seem to privilege some... and disown others...?
Why am I so depressed...?
UGH!!
I know why...
I know exactly why I'm depressed...
It’s quite a bit though...
But, whatever...
I guess one major reason is a fairly simple one. It’s the fact that my mother and “father” are divorced. It was a long and complicated divorce. It all started when my “aunt” (on my mother's side) set my father up with some whore of a friend. That's right... my “AUNT”, on my MOTHER'S side... someone I had known my whole life, someone that had babysat me, someone I had grown to love and to trust... turned her back on my mother, me, and my two brothers. Why would she do that to my family? Why would she rip us apart like that?
My “father” is no better… It’s just as much his fault as anyone else’s. He could have said no, he could have turned the whore down. It’s like he doesn’t care what happens to us, he ABANDONED us… he left us to fend for ourselves. It’s because of my “father” that I have become the major source of income for my remaining family… He doesn’t pay the child support that he is supposed to… and he doesn’t even pay my mom the alimony that she deserves… He’s a ******** DEADBEAT… It hurts to think about what I had planned with my "father". I thought he would always be there for me... I planned on inviting him to my wedding... I planned on him being a grandfather to my kids.... I planned on turning to him for advice when life got too hard... but, now... I have no father.... just the painful memories, along with the agonizing expectations.
Then I’ve got a younger brother who’s a drug addict…. That’s a whole other reason. All he does is hang out with his stoner friends all day, trying to figure out ways to get high… whether its smoking pot, or huffing paint… he doesn’t give a ********… as long as he gets high… I still over hear his conversations with his friends about getting high... and it kills me inside...
Work is another reason for my depression… Its complete hell! I have to work 5 to 6 days a week, from usually 4 p.m. to usually 12 a.m. and sometimes 1 or 2 a.m. during certain holidays. No matter how late I get out I still have to get up at 7 a.m. for classes. I usually end up going to class drained and weary, and thus end up falling asleep in class. Then, while at work I have to put up with angry customers, stupid new employees that want to tell me how to do my job, and bosses that want to ride my a** like I don’t do s**t. I mean WTF?!… I’m one of the best employees they got... they’ve told me plenty of times…. Even so, the pay isn’t even worth all the stress of the job… Minimum wage doesn’t go very far, after you have paid ALL the bills… which are usually past due…
College is no better, I mean obviously… its college, and you have to expect stress. I guess it just weighs down on me a little more than the typical student. Especially when you have professors who are complete assholes. I missed one assignment in this one class, and now everyday it seems… the professor has to call me out, in the middle of class and make me feel like a complete ******** idiot. I’m failing one of my college classes, and when I ask for help… no one gives a ********, they just move on with their merry happy little lives… and leave me in the dark… wondering, what the ******** I’m supposed to be doing… but who gives a ********... right?
I have no “friends” HERE , just people I talk to every now and then. There is no one here to hug me, or rub my back when I’m down. The only people that do actually seem to care are hundreds of miles away...
These few people that do seem to care about me… have at one point hated me… I know they have. You know what? I deserved it… I know I did, and I hate myself for it… The only people that actually cared about me… I ended up hurting them…
Finally, when all of this gets to be too much… In the end, there’s nobody HERE ... It’s just me… in my room… staring at the ceiling… wishing to die…
