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Stories someone told me:

1)ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS THIS GUY WITH EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. HOWEVER HE WAS VERY HANDSOME. EVERYWHERE HE WENT, HE WOULD s**t HIS PANTS. IT WAS INEVITABLE. ONE DAY HE MET THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL BECKY. TO HIS SURPRISE SHE HAD EXPLOSIVE PEEING SYNDROME.
THEY GOT MARRIED AND SPENT ALL THEIR MONEY ON TOILET PAPER.

2)Once upon a time there was this skeleton named Ed. Ed enjoyed learning about historical artifacts. One day Ed decided to visit a famous museum. In that museum he saw this friggin' hot mummy. Ed got a boner. Ed was thinking that he should find the nerve to ask her out. So Ed went home, took a shower, put some wax on his bones, and walked to a flower shop to buy some flowers. Ed was at the flower shop and decided to get some sexy red roses to symbolize the hot burning boner passion he had inside of him. Then he went to Longs Drugs to get a box of chocolates. He couldn't find them, poor Ed could never find anything in convenience stores. He asked the nearest cashier where the candy section was. The cashier screamed, "THERES A ******** TALKING SKELETON" and grabbed the gun from under the counter and shot himself.
Ed was splattered with blood.

"Screw this," Ed thought, he went to the graveyard to go find himself a hooker.