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after talking to someone who seem to understand my problem, I have made another choice on leaving this place, some reason I don't know why I can't stop crying, once again these a covering my eyes...

I feel like a clown who doesn't know how to smile or laugh, it seems to be more and more clear to me, that I am different, I don't care if people block me or anything I think its time to move on with my life with some that I can enjoy more, like Blog...

Then again it seems to make me wonder more and more why I never had those kind attentions I always wanted, for good reason I will be giving away some stuffs I have and at less enjoy the rest of my time here as much as possble, why does it always turn out to be something I don't wish to see.

It seems likes my brain is working more and more on the questions and answers more than myself searching for someone to hold and love me for who I am.

It seems to be more and more harder for myself to stay happy and maker other people happy.
Some reason I feel like this is my fault and everything is on my shoulder to blame.
Some reason there isn't a time for me to cry out my tears when my mom and other people I know is around me.
Oh they know is Michelle is a strong girl, or Michelle always stands up for others, but we turn out back on her cause she's useless.
It seems like my own problems seem to grow more and more, to a point where I can't handle it.

I never cry in front of people I never call people up late at night screaming my boyfriend dump me, because I cheated on him or I saw my boyfriend cheating on me, because I couldn't give him what he wanted.
Like I said before I don't care no more, even if I cry who is there to support me no one, all I ever did was stand up to other people who use me.

Some reason these wounds grow more and more on me, where I can't seem to understand myself no more, hurting myself is worse than hurting others.
When I see people hurt, all they could is say you barely understand pain itself.
I understand... I understand more than you.
I am a murder... a killer who made her own dad go away.

A child who never brought hope to her own family, a girl who never goes out late at night to get drunk up with some stranger and end up sleeping with them.
I never called anyone to scream in their face saying they used me....why ..... why does these problems have to repeat itself.
No one ever asked me if I was alright, no one seem to call me up and say a you doing alright.

like I said before I am nothing more but a stupid clown in people eyes.
it hurts so much right now, and i was just fine a few seconds ago, o can't stop these tears it hurts so much....its my fault...

everything is my fault....

like this old song i wrote a long time ago...

Night Song

Blood flows down the ground of sadness
The only one that looks lonely is me....
Losing you, love and hate became distinct
Losing you, what else do I care?
no longer symbolizes peace
Finally I am reminded
With my hands tied up I’m now a slave of sadness
I use a rhyme to describe a broken relationship

Should I hide from here?
The night isn't as clear as it used to be...
Memories starts to burn threw out the night...
The sky is cover with stars that is diming....
A red rose is given to me, as if he loved me...
Threw the dark night I would say I'm sorry
Midnight is peacefully strange on the branch

Listening carefully towards his past words...
Tears would start to pour from my eyes...
Trying to grab you again, then your gone...
Screaming your name, but you can't hear me...
The countless ghosts and lives that are lived
Misty surrounding the spacious graveyard
But I still love you...

Playing the night song for you, and only you...
To commemorate our departed relationship
The sound like the night wind
Is heartbreakingly melodious
Missing you is too much...
My fingers are striking on the piano keyboard
There your standing in the strom of rose
Waiting for my return...
My tears of sadness
Your blood of pain will be taken away with us in our grave

To commemorate our departed relationship
For you I conceal my identity
Playing piano under the moonlight
Storm of rose cover my body....
I'll join you in the grave..then again it's my fault
Losing you in that battle, hurted me more than anything...
My blood covers the sad ground, as I try to hold you...
I'm sorry

But there's no sympathize in my eyes
Losing you, my tears are heartless

Losing you, there's even shadow in my smile
I'm standing on the roof with anticipation
Laughing at my sadness
Like a well without water
I exhaust my confidence
Regretting is too late, I'm waiting for love

love is too regretable, and life is too short for them to understand me.
how I wish I was the one who die.
all those pain you guys felt, blame it on me, it would make me feel more gulity on the good reason why i am leaving, and the main reason why...
it seems like i hurt everyone i love... why do i always hurt the people i love.... I love Dream, Nightmare-chan, I loved everyone on my topic, I put a lot of effect to make people happy...

Why do I always end up hurting you all... why....i feel so gulity on hurting everyone...i really do....i'm so sorry...........
I didn't mean to hurt anyone....i am so sorry....so sorry...
i made such a bad mistake on huritng you all.... i am so sorry