''PLEASE READ SOMETHING ELSE.'' —Lemony Snicket

You know what, screw it. I'm making a whole section for even MORE quotes! Speaking of, the previous section contains a ton of quotes. Check em out!

“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.’”
— Richard Jeni

“Everyone knows it's not size that matters. It's which state has Adam West as its mayor.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rhode Island

Rebel Fighter: Let me put it this way. If you come across a room full of wooden crates, what always happens?
Gordon: I have to do a jumping puzzle?
Rebel Fighter: And if you come across a huge cache of ammo, weapons, health packs, and armor chargers, what does that mean?
Gordon: That I'm about to get my a** kicked?
Rebel Fighter: Bingo.
Concerned: The Half-Life and Death of Gordon Frohman

"Mother Earth is here...and she's pissed!"
—Item description for Organic Power, Disgaea

In Star Trek The Next Generation
Data:: I'm picking up a strange poem on the comm channel; "There once was a lady from Venus, whose body was shaped like a—"
Picard (cutting Data off): Captain to Security!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lots of poems rhyme
This one doesn't

"A vigilante is just a man lost in the scramble for his own gratification. He can be destroyed, or locked up. But if you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, and if they can't stop you, you become something else entirely... A legend, Mr. Wayne."
— Henri Ducard

"I'm so crazy, I don't know this is impossible!"
Daffy Duck, riding an invisible bicycle in an early Looney Tunes short

"You have no idea...how powerful madness can be.
Gallian Evil Wizard Ray Liotta, In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

And now I'm able to play six games at the same time! This! Is! Capturing God Mode! Fwahahaha! But, the intellectual capacities, stamina, and concentration of the player is pushed to the limits with this mode, so it's like a double-edged sword! And one hour after the mode's activation, the player's life will be reduced by three years! (That's what you're going to feel!)
-Keima, The World Only God Knows

Of course you realize, this means war! —-Bugs Bunny

If it doesn't matter whether the heroes learn of the plan or not, there's no need to give them an opportunity to learn of it. The only important thing is that the plan is revealed to the audience. In this case, it suffices if the villain discusses his plans in front of a random group of subordinates, co-villains, business partners, innocent hostages or relatives, laying out every last detail with evil glee, and then kills them all off in some pre-staged fashion. The villain makes his dastardly plan known to the board of directors, or the leaders of crime syndicates. Then he kills each and every one of the cadre of powerful men who formerly trusted him.
-The Rant, B Movie Comic #279.

"I have no interest in ordinary humans. If there are any aliens, time travelers, or espers here, come join me. That is all."

You do not greet Death, you punch him in the throat repeatedly until he drags you away.
—No Fear

Never count a human dead unless you've seen the body. And even then you can make a mistake.
— Frank Herbert, Dune

"Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"
-Edgar Allan Poe

The night's too quiet, stretched out alone
I need the whip of thunder and the wind's dark moan
I'm not Abel, I'm just Cain
Open up the heavens, and make it rain.
— Tom Waits, "Make It Rain"

From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.
Zed, Men In Black

"I do like the starkness of the visual aesthetic, if you'll forgive the degree of faggotry in that phrasing."
— Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw, on Mirrors Edge

Egon: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Peter: What?
Egon: Don't cross the streams.
Peter: Why?
Egon: It would be bad.
Peter: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad?"
Egon: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Ray: Total protonic reversal.
Peter: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.
-Ghostbusters

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.
— Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

See madness, as you know, is... like gravity. All it takes is a little push!
— The Joker, The Dark Knight

"This is the '90s. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first."
— Joe Hallenbeck, The Last Boy Scout

"I ripped off my own living flesh so that I wouldn't have to admit weakness. You're strictly little league compared to that. That right there? That's the difference between bonafide true Evil with a capital "E" and your whiny "evil, but for a good cause," crap. One gets to be the butch, and one gets to be the b***h — B***h."
— Xykon to Redcloak, Order Of The Stick — Start Of Darkness

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die

"Stand at the window here. Was ever such a dreary, dismal, unprofitable world? See how the yellow fog swirls down the street and drifts across the dun-coloured houses. What could be more hopelessly prosaic and material? What is the use of having powers, Doctor, when one has no field upon which to exert them?"
—Sherlock Holmes, 'The Sign of the Four'

"You and I, Sam, are still stuck in the worst places of the story, and it is all too likely that some will say at this point, 'Shut the book now, dad; we don't want to read any more.'"
—Frodo, The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers

"My candle burns at both its ends;
It will not last the night;
But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends
It gives a lovely light."
-Edna St. Vincent Millay, "first Fig," A Few Figs from Thistles, 1920

"Listen up, Phones! The world ends with you. If you want to enjoy life, expand your world. You gotta push your horizons out as far as they’ll go."
—Sanae Hanekoma

"When your opponent is drowning, throw the son of a ***** an anvil."
-James Carville, motto

You have to be a ******* to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles are the biggest *******s on earth.
-John Lennon, Lennon Remembers, Jann Wenner, ed., 1970

"Yes, racist. I'm serious. The other reindeer laughed at him. Then, out of the blue, they need him. He's as good as a fog light or whatever. You know what, so you tell me, how is it any different than: 'Don't talk to Reggie, he's black. Oh, wait, he can play basketball. Sign him up.' Rudolph, Reggie."
—Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

"They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God."
—Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers

"My turn."
—River Tam, right before destroying an army of Reavers, Serenity

This city is afraid of me. I've seen its true face. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down, and whisper "No."
—Rorschach's Journal, deconstructing the trope

There was a man upon the stair
When I looked back, he wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I think he's from the CIA.

Black Siren: Flash, look!
(Flash sees a truck full of dynamite on a collision course with a bus full of nuns, who gasp and cross themselves)
Flash: You've gotta be kidding.
-Justice League

"This is a temple dedicated to evil. It's built on the desecrated ancient burial ground where other more ancient desecrated burial grounds went when they got evil stuff built on them. The architect was a necromancer and the contractor was in the eldritch mafia."
- Prince Drizz'l, in this strip◊ of 8-Bit Theater

Rule Zero: The GM is always right.
—Every RPG ever (other than "Burning Wheel" wink

Rule Zero (Player's Corollary): Never give the GM ideas. Usually only mentioned when the rule is violated, as in:
GM: As you round the bend, you see a group of indistinct figures walking toward you.
Bob: Well just as long as it's not Baron Bloodrage we should be OK-
Matt: Shhhhh! Bob, Rule Zero Violation!
GM: [Smiles]
Bob: Aw, %@&#...
- The RPG Lexicon.

Phantom: ... please to give him my card.
Butler: Why has it no name upon it, sir?
Phantom: Modesty forbids it.
Butler: But it has no address either, sir.
Phantom: I'm never at home.
Butler: [Aside Glance]

"Widely recognized as a tyrannical megalomaniac who prided himself on cruelty and ruled through fear, Caligula was nearly undone by an underground smear campaign to depict him as a 'pretty nice guy.' Other sculptures and frescoes of the time libelously show him flying a kite and helping an old lady cross the Appian Way. An incensed Caligula immediately went into 'damage control' by publicly sodomizing a puppy."
— America: The Book

"A single death is a tragedy; a million is a statistic."
—Josef Stalin (attributed)

"He was just... well, like a lot of madmen. Somewhat accurate view of the problem, really insane view of the solution."
- Kid Radd

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
- Portuguese proverb

"Violence is never the right answer, except when used aginst heathens and monsters."
- Father Anderson, Hellsing

"If you were not my father, O ever-living Tisroc," said Rabadash, grinding his teeth, "I should say that was the word of a coward."
"And if you were not my son, O most inflammable Rabadash," replied his father, "your life would be short and your death slow when you had said it."
— CS Lewis, The Horse And His Boy

"WE ARE THE REAL MONSTERS"
"No, that's the Zombies"
—Bathroom Stall Graffiti, Left 4 Dead

Justice Lord Hawkgirl: Remember when everyone liked us?
Justice Lord Green Lantern: Since when does that matter to you?
Justice Lord Hawkgirl: Since I started seeing the fear on everyone's face.
Justice Lord Green Lantern: You wanna talk about fear? When I was a kid, I went to bed every night scared that the whole world was gonna blow up. That's the way things were back then; folks just accepted it. They didn't think there could be a better way. But we found one.
—Justice League - A Better World Part 1

Duke: They say you're a loser with a fetish for dressing up like animals.
Joey: I am not a loser!

Bro, you are such an idiot! He offered us money, but no, you had to go and do the right thing! Since when are you such a goddamn boy scout?"
—Eliot Salem, Army Of Two

Believe it or not, one of the most difficult tasks you face as Dungeon Master is dreaming up cool names for all those places, gods, monsters, and NPCs you create. As superficial as this chore might seem, nothing kills interest in an AD&D® game faster than goofy names. The minute your players are attacked by Gargathrank the Unclean, a great deal of the credibility you've carefully fostered flies straight out the window. Don't forget that the players' first impressions of your game world are based, in part, on the names you choose.
— Dungeoncraft by Ray Winninger, Dragon Magazine (May 1999).

Utopia would be boring. What's there to write about? "It's a nice day. It's another nice day. It's another nice day..."
— Peter F. Hamilton

Nearly all creators of Utopia have resembled the man who has toothache, and therefore thinks happiness consists in not having toothache.
— George Orwell

"It was one of those comic book name coincidences, like how you know a college professor named Dr. Klaus von der Murder isn't going to be getting tenure."
- Lore Sjoberg

"I can't believe he didn't suspect a trap. See what happens when you don't watch enough television?"
— The Joker, Justice League — Wild Cards Part 1

"I don't know, and I have no opinion."
—Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

"One may dislike Hitler's system and yet admire his patriotic achievement. If our country were defeated, I hope we should find a champion as indomitable to restore our courage and lead us back to our place among the nations."
—Winston Churchill

Aeris: I'm a Jenova's Witness, traveling these parts and spreading the word of Sephiroth! Will you be ready for Reunion?
Man: Reunion?
Aeris: Yes. The day non-believers will be smoten in the joining of our glorious Mother.
Man: So if I join I'll be saved?
Aeris: Oh, no. You'll still die. But FASTER.
-VGCats

Why does it always have to be a female virgin? You can bet that if a sacrifice called for a male bodypart, the world would be atheist like that.
- Cordelia, Angel

If I was in Superman's place, I'd be totally lording my powers over all the other Superfriends. "Hey Batman," I'd say, "Nice utility belt! Got anything in there that would help you lift an oil tanker? I didn't think so. Hey Aquaman! You realize I could pretty much kick a** over any sea creature you cared to summon, don't you? Wonder Woman! Your magic lasso makes me tell the truth: You suck!"
— Book Of Ratings

When has an action hero ever, even once, been killed by machinegun fire, no matter how many hundreds of rounds? The hit men should simply reject them and say, "No can do, Boss. They never work in this kind of movie."
-Roger Ebert, reviewing Quantum Of Solace

We're not stupid, We just know the plot."
— Yakko Warner, Animaniacs

You were DEAD!"
"I got better!"
Captain Sheridan, Babylon 5

Even with their military training and access to a seemingly unending supply of ammunition, the A-Team never successfully shot anyone during their career as mercenaries. As you can see, the team seemed completely unfamiliar with the concept of aiming their rifles, just firing randomly in the direction of their enemies. Note that when we said they never successfully shot anyone, we're not counting the hundreds of bystanders they likely gunned down with their hail of stray bullets.
— Cracked's "6 Supposed Action Heroes You Could Probably Take In A Fight"

Cherry: He should be pretty easy to take down with Eikre's "cut-down" technique!
Eikre: Uh, I can't do that technique anymore.
Cherry: What?
Eikre: I could do it before, but now that I've joined, I don't feel like it anymore.
— RPG World

"So why can't he be that badass when I'm playing as him?"
Adam Sessler in X-Play's review of Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus

"Please have fun playing Mega Man 9, and when you inevitably ponder why this game is so freaking hard, please remember that Inafune-san has a decanter on his desk full of broken gamer spirits that keeps him perpetually youthful."
— Press release for Mega Man 9

Vania: This is insulting. Do you think we'll surrender to three guards?
Gen. Iscariot: This is a cutscene! I know you'll surrender!
Legendary

Leon whips out his Broken Butterfly and blasts the little b*****d across the room, thus ending the chapter. Or at least he would, were he not inflicted with the Cutscene Stupidity Bug ®
Let's Play Resident Evil 4

"What I'm saying is that I like games where the story and gameplay go hand in hand, while in most JRPGs story and gameplay are kept either side of a wrought iron fence made of tigers."
- Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, Zero Punctuation: The World Ends With You

Yugi (playing a card dramatically): I activate Deus Ex Machina.
Weevil: Hey, heh, no fair, heh-heh. You can't use spell cards during my turn!
Yugi: Tell it to the writing staff.
—Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series episode 4

Vanderbeam: Wait! Where did you get this? I was too late to steal it!
Vanderbeam: I used this suit to steal the one I just gave to you.
Vanderbeam: But...then where did you get the one you're wearing?
Vanderbeam: My future self handed it to me two decades ago.
— Starslip

"I hate time travel."
— Mega Man, George, and many others, Bob And George

Infest the timestream with time-beavers."
—Justin B. Rye, Twenty Fun Things To Do With A Time Machine

Let's just say we have a pretty flimsy fourth wall.
— Solid Snake, Metal Gear Solid The Abridged Snakes

What?! What fourth wall?! There's never been a fourth wall in this stupid comic!
— George, Bob And George

"What are you looking at?"
"That star. It's a planet, really. It's Venus. It reminds me of you."
"Hot, poisonous, and deadly? You're sweet."
— Blackarachnia and Silverbolt, Transformers: Beast Wars

Let me tell you something. I'm not like Adrian. I don't depend on anyone. People are simply things to be used. Used and thrown away. Put on a sweet, innocent face, and people will swallow anything you feed them. Adrian fell for it. The assassin too. Oh, and how can I forget. Even you fell for it, Mister Lawyer! Everyone, all working their butts off for me, Matt Engarde!"
—Matt Engarde, Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Justice For All

Richard: My only regret... Is not killing all of you... And your families...
-Looking for group

"I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here."

Eda: Do you know what Jesus said in John chapter five? He said, "don't bring me any trouble, b***h."
Jane: Isn't this a church?!
Eda: And? God isn't home. He's on vacation in Vegas.
— Black Lagoon

And in a gutless act of political correctness, "Pizza Day" will now be known as "Italian-American Sauced Bread Day".
Principal Skinner

"Isn't this just great!?! While you waste my time, Earth gets one step closer to being taken over! That's my problem right there! My problem is that the human race seems to want to be destroyed!"
— Dib, Invader Zim

Of course, the last person to see him never commits the crime. That would make it too easy. One of these days I shall write a book in which two men are seen to walk down a cul-de-sac, and there is a shot and one man is found murdered and the other runs away with a gun in his hand, and after twenty chapters stinking with red herrings, it turns out that the man with the gun did it after all.
Lord Peter Wimsey, in The Five Red Herrings

"If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there."
— Playwright Anton Chekhov (Антон Чехов). (From S. Shchukin, Memoirs. 1911.)

Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, then later, he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts!
— Dinosaur Comics, "Literary Techniques Comics: Chekhov's Gun".

Imagine if Jesus knew kung-fu; that's what everybody is dealing with."
- John Morrison, ECW on Sci-Fi

"Historians still argue as to whether [Shakespeare] was gay, a front for the Earl of Oxford and/or Sir Francis Bacon, or a cyborg from the future sent back in time to found Western civilization, thereby hastening the creation of the McRib sandwich."
-From "11 Movies Saved by Historical Inaccuracy", by Michael Swaim, on cracked.com

All the gods who play in the mythological dramas, in all legends, of all lands, were from fair Atlantis.
— Donovan, Atlantis

Mary: Did you build the Pyramids?
d**k: Only the one in Las Vegas.
Mary: What about Easter Island?
d**k: Easter Island was a practical joke that got out of hand.
— 3rd Rock from the Sun ("The Thing That Wouldn't Die: Part 1" wink

"You can tell I'm the biggest fan because I hate it more than anyone else."◊
—RPG World

"I'm a fan. I'm a sports fan, I'm a music fan, I'm a Star Trek fan, all of 'em. But here's what I don't do. Tell me if any of this sounds familiar: Let's list our ten favorite episodes. Let's list our least favorite episodes. Let's list our favorite galaxies. Let's make a chart to see how often they appear in our favorite episodes. What Romulan would you like to see coupled with a Cardassian, and why? Let's spend the weekend talking about Romulans falling in love with Cardassians, and then let's do it again. That's not being a fan; that's having a fetish.
—Josh Lyman, "The West Wing"

Mercutio: Will's writing a novelisation of the Lord of the Rings movies?
Ophelia: Yes! Can you talk to him about it?
Mercutio: You bet I will!
Ophelia: Good, I knew I could count on a real fantasy fan like you.
Mercutio: I'll see if he can put in some catgirls!
— Irregular Webcomic #768

Mike: "You're about an hour late, monster."
Kevin: "We're only 18 minutes in, Mike."
Mike: "I stand by my statement."
Riff Trax of Cloverfield

Wow, I'm boring. Do I always explain everything like that?
— Dib, Invader Zim

What we've got here is failure to communicate.
—Cool Hand Luke, 1967

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can f**kin kill you.
—Taylor Mali

You said "I'm gonna run you down",
I heard "I'm an orangutan"
—They Might Be Giants, "Broke In Two"

This city is afraid of me. I've seen its true face. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down, and whisper "No."
— Rorschach's Journal

...But mostly it's an opportunity to watch John Malkovich turn in a performance that had to - HAD TO - be a direct challenge to the director, "Please, fire me. I'm begging you to fire me. I'll do a take like this and then you'll have to fire me. Wait, I'm still not fired?"
- Rifftrax product description for Eragon

People ask me why I'm playing in this picture. The answer is simple: Money, dear boy. I'm like a vintage wine. You have to drink me quickly before I turn sour. I'm almost used up now and I can feel the end coming. That's why I'm taking money now. I've got nothing to leave my family but the money I can make from films. Nothing is beneath me if it pays well. I've earned the right to damn well grab whatever I can in the time I've got left.
—Laurence Olivier, on his role in Inchon

Phoenix: "Answer that one - in eight words or less!"
Jake: "I only need one. NOOOOOOOOO!"
— Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney

Who do you think you are? Did you think you'd actually be able to make a difference? Well, Woof, you were wrong, boy. Completely and utterly wrong."
— Jade, Beyond Good And Evil

"Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make him laugh. He's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left his side."
— Robert "Rusty" Ryan, Ocean's Eleven

"You couldn't pick her out of a lineup of one."
— Maeby on Ann Veal, Arrested Development

The Question: Reaching back to Ancient Egypt, there's been a single cabal of powerful individuals directing the course of human history. But the common man prefers to believe they don't exist, which aids their success.
Supergirl: Global warming? Military upheavals in the third world? Actors elected to public office?
Green Arrow: The spread of coffee bars? Germs outpacing antibiotics? And boy bands? Come on! Who would gain from all this?!
The Question: Who indeed?
—Justice League Unlimited

The king is dead. Long live the king.

"History doesn't repeat itself, but sometimes it rhymes."
—Adam Warlock, Guardians of the Galaxy v2 #2

"Did you get your end in all of this, Ramza? I... I got this."
Delita, Final Fantasy Tactics

"My first love was to an anime character!"
Francis's security system, Super Paper Mario

"I love acting. It is so much more real than life."
— Oscar Wilde

"Is there some kind of special store where these guys go to to find the worst, most uncomfortable outfits in the world? Is there a Walking Cliché Warehouse, or do you have to get a mail-order catalogue?"
—Noah 'The Spoony One' Antwiler, on the cast of Final Fantasy VIII.

Never count a human dead unless you've seen the body. And even then you can make a mistake.
— Frank Herbert, Dune

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
— Rule 13 of the Evil Overlord List

The Board of Governors: This seems a steep price for so small a service: to crush a powerless cripple.
Tan'elKoth: Doubly fools. He does have power. One power: the power to devote himself absolutely to a single goal, to be ruthless with himself and all else in its pursuit. It is the only power he needs - because, unlike the great mass of men, he is aware of this power, and he is willing, even happy, to use it.
- Blade Of Tyshalle

"Strange injuries, a non-existent social life... these things beg the question as to what exactly does Bruce Wayne do with his time and his money."
—Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins

He said: "To hell with moisture detectors. I'm going to build a giant robot." So we built a giant robot.
Everything2 Podcast

Téa ships Harry/Hedwig, by the way.
—Yu-Gi-OhTheAbridgedSeries

"All I had was my trenchcoat, hat, and an unlimited supply of magical wishes. The odds were against me."
— Timmy Turner, The Fairly Oddparents

"Six men came to kill me one time. And the best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger, double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun... This the best gun made by man. It has *extreme* sentimental value... I Call It Vera."
— Jayne Cobb, Firefly

Calvin: Well Hobbes, I guess there's a moral to all this.
Hobbes: What's that?
Calvin: "Snow goons are bad news."
Hobbes: That lesson ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life.
Calvin: I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
Calvin And Hobbes

The moral of this story is not to concentrate really hard on old diaries and go back in time.
Dinosaur Comics on The Butterfly Effect

"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn."
— Animaniacs

The moral of World War I is "Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand".
— The Lemony Narrator of A Series Of Unfortunate Events

Remember kids! Knowing is half the battle! And the other half is shooting somebody.
Ansem Retort

"Behold my floating masterpiece, the Egg Carrier!"
Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Sonic Adventure

"Anything that can be done to a rat can be done to a human being. And we can do most anything to rats. This is a hard thing to think about, but it's the truth. It won't go away because we cover our eyes. THAT is cyberpunk."
- Bruce Sterling

There, you see? Count Olaf has one eyebrow. Coach Gengis has a turban. They look nothing alike.
- Vice Principal Nero, The Austere Academy

"Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not 'Every man for himself.' And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto! I looked them up!"
— A Fish Called Wanda

10. Unlocking Crap - I will no longer play through a game nine times on Ultraviolence mode with the declawed kitten character so I can unlock the infinite-ammo laser chain gun. All I've proven to anyone is that I clearly don't need the thing.
—1up.com's Top 10 Videogame Resolutions

"We are certainly in great need," answered Caspian. "But it is hard to be sure we are at our greatest. Supposing there came an even worse need and we had already used it?"
"By that argument," said Nikabrik, "your Majesty will never use it until it is too late."
— The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis

If it's on TV, It Must Be True!
Garfield And Friends, "It Must Be True!"

76. Magical Inequality Theorem: In the course of your travels you may find useful-sounding spells such as Petrify, Silence, and Instant Death. However, you will end up never using these spells in combat because a) all ordinary enemies can be killed with a few normal attacks, making fancy attacks unnecessary, b) all bosses and other stronger-than-average monsters are immune to those effects so there's no point in using them for long fights where they'd actually come in handy, and c) the spells usually don't work anyway.
The Grand List Of Console RPG Cliches

The Assyrians were the first people to start using iron weapons instead of bronze which, to put into a modern perspective, is sort of like showing up for a knife fight with the Death Star. Using iron made the Assyrians so near-invincible that, really, the other guys might as well have been swinging around bananas.
—Humor website Cracked on the subject of the 5 most terrifying civilizations in the world

"Elephant! Anteater! Orangutang! Ooooh, it's Darwin's grab-bag!"
-Batty Koda, Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest

If my enemy is a magical girl, I will not stand in awe as she goes airborne, drops all of her clothes, and starts spinning in preparation to transform. I will wait until her regular clothes are gone, then yank her down and start fighting. If her shock at my breaking the Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphosis doesn't paralyze her, the fact that she's in her birthday suit will.
— If I Ever Become an Anime Villain, an Evil-Overlord-inspired list.

Bending? Hell, it's a gender moebius strip....
-Joseph Prisco on Narbonic

"One wing? Don't they just fly around in circles?"
"You know, they should, but they don't. No idea how that works."
—Roxas and Axel, Organization LIX, "Rules"

"There are no women in Yu-Gi-Oh! Only extremely girly men! And I am the girliest of them all!"
Marik, Yu-Gi-Oh! - The Abridged Series

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Gabe: Well, isn't the enemy of your enemy, like, your friend? Or whatever? Can't they team up?
Tycho: Not exactly. In this setting, the enemy of your enemy is still a floating, greasy, armored brain.
Gabe: Well, what about his enemy? Maybe you could be friends with him.
Tycho: No, because that guy is a mechanical horror in an undying battle shell. He sails from world to world in a flying tomb, serving gods who eat hope.
- Penny Arcade on Warhammer 40000.

"Here are the rules of Judaism as I understand them. One, Thou shalt not kill. Two, thou shalt not commit adultery. Three, Don't eat pork."
— Jon Stewart, stand-up routine

John Hodgman: [Packets like these] could be anything on the internet. Spam, videos of lonely teens practicing with their lightsabers, comical reimaginings of movie premises — Brokeback Mountain, for example, cats dressed as nuns eating from dishes of gravy...
Jon Stewart: Or maybe even useful information, or news analysis.
John Hodgman: Well, I guess. In fact, these are all Chuck Norris jokes.
The Daily Show, Net Neutrality Act.

Carol: So, randomly, why are you so popular with the fans?
Gustav St. Germain: That's because I am voiced by Norio Wakamoto.
— Ensuing, Baccano! Screencap Recap

"The probability of success was 0%. But it seems theoretical calculations are meaningless when it comes to you guys."
— Lord Genome, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

Snake, you can't do that! The future will be changed! You'll create a Time Paradox!
—Col. Roy Campbell towards Naked Snake if he kills Ocelot, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Inigo Montoya: He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved for a year before it was done. *shows the Man in Black the sword*
The Man in Black: I've never seen its equal.
Inigo Montoya: The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The six-fingered man left me alive, but he gave me these. *strokes the scars on his cheeks*
The Man in Black: How old were you?
Inigo Montoya: I was eleven years old. And when I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say: "Hello. My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father. Prepare To Die."
— the story of Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride.

John: Mike, you're just like Marmite.
Mike: You mean people either love me or hate me?
John: No, I mean you're black and you smell.

"This is named after the random musical number sung by a big-lipped alligator towards the end of the film All Dogs Go To Heaven. A scene that comes right the ******** outta nowhere, has little to no bearing whatsoever on the plot, is way over the top in terms of ridiculousness even in the context of the movie, and after it happens, no one ever speaks of it again."
— Nostalgia Chick

Mariya: Admit it, you're playing for the other team.
Kanako: What?
Mariya: You're a carpet muncher.
Kanako: What?
Mariya: You prefer the taco over the hot dog.
Kanako: What?
Mariya: Hey, I've got pages of these, I can go on all day.
— Maria Holic Abridged Series by Toaster

In Condemned 1, it's never explained why the homeless all went kill crazy, and the fact that it was unexplained exacerbated the creepiness. In Condemned 2, it's explained on the first ******** level: Some p***k nailed noisy hubcaps to the walls that were keeping everyone awake. Thanks, Condemned 2, I was almost getting intrigued. This isn't rocket science. Mysteries lose all their appeal the instant you explain them. This is why they never explained why Scully never got it on with Mulder, besides the fact that he had the charisma of a cardboard cutout with a bag of sick taped to it.
— Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw on Condemned 2: Bloodshot

Never wear a hat that has more character than you do.
— Michael Harris, hatmaker

Meanwhile, you go back to Resident Evil 4, it's like, B***H, THIS AIN'T A CUTSCENE! PRESS A! PRESS A! YOU DON'T GOT TIME TO SMOKE A BOWL! YOU STILL PLAYIN! JUMP, GYPSY! C'MON, JUMP!
—MC Chris

Mictlantecuhtli: You forget yourself. I am no upstart demon, scrabbling in the dirt of the human soul. I am Mictlantecuhtli. I am a god.
John: Great stuff. I'm John — and I'm a b*****d.
- Mike Carey, Hellblazer: All His Engines

The main character [is] a hopeless pop-culture reject who spends most of his time whining, getting strung along by women, and being a generally unlikeable f*ckbrain. So at least you can't fault it for understanding its audience.
— Zero Punctuation on No More Heroes

Her wardrobe consists of pure white gowns that are somehow both full-length and yet split almost to the crotch. And I'm not convinced she wears a bra.
- towny, a member of The Doctor Who Forum, discussing Servalan from Blakes Seven.

"A male rogue will wear dark leather armor with little metal studs all over it, because nothing says "stealth" like a bunch of glittering bits of metal all over the place. Ladies in the same profession lean towards the skin-tight catsuit look, because the first step in being stealthy is apparently to make sure every able-bodied man within a hundred paces is staring at you with his mouth slightly open... It's nice to see that when it comes to apparel, roleplaying games have a lot of equality: Everybody dresses like an idiot."
— The DM, Chainmail Bikini

"It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead."
— Reese, The Terminator

The more astute readers among you may have noticed that I haven't yet gone so far as to give anything an actual "F." That's not out of any kind-heartedness on my part, it's just that every time I got ready to give one out, I would ask myself, "is it really that bad, compared to the verminous, soul-tainting badness of Scrappy-Doo?"
— Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg, The Book of Ratings

"Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, b*tch!"
Juggernaut, The Juggernaut b***h!! and later X3: The Last Stand

"Did I get him? I think I got him... I must have gotten him!" (smoke clears) "No! I missed again!"
- Pegasus, Yu Gi Oh

"Bolt Guard statistical assessment: Powerful. Smart. Handsome. Bolt Guard intent: Smack-laying in a downward direction."
— Jugger, Advance Wars: Dual Strike

Introducing a previously unmentioned element to resolve a situation] is as much fun as when somebody suddenly and unilaterally changes the rules of a game you are playing. It is as if the author had said, "Oh, I just realized my plot doesn't work, so I'm going to add something from outside of my plot, okay?" Okay! And we're going to add something to the recycling. This particular blunder is known as deus ex machina, which is French for "Are you ******** kidding me?"
—How Not to Write a Novel by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman

Is this the tragic end of me?
Or will the sequel set me free?
—The Aquabats, "Stuck In A Movie!"

"Let the guy be a little fallible. Those are the ones I am interested in watching when I go to the movies. I want to see the flaws, the dirt under the fingernails. If he is invulnerable, how can you identify with this guy? As absurd as it may seem, you have to believe in it, or else the audience won't and they won't get their money's worth."
—Brendan Fraser

"My car won't start!"
"Well, maybe there's a killer after you."
Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together

"The debate continues over whether the new millennium starts in 2000 or 2001. Thankfully, there's always the Australian solution: We start drinking on the 31st of December, 1999, and we finish on the 1st of January, 2001."
- Paul McDermott, Good News Week, 1999.

A man has an idea. The idea attracts others like-minded. The idea expands. The idea becomes an institution. What was the idea?
-Top Dollar

A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
Calvin, Calvin And Hobbes

"Christian Bale gives everyone in the audience a million dollars and everyone rubs their movie tickets on themselves to cure cancer, because this is OHMYGOD THE BEST MOVIE EVER EVER!"
—The Dark Knight: Abridged Script

"I'm hesitant to use the term Grand Theft Auto clone anymore, because open world games are becoming so ubiquitous that the term feels hopelessly quaint, like how we used to call First Person Shooters Doom clones."
—Zero Punctuation

They are sick and tired of conventional, fixed style jazz...
They must create new dreams and films by breaking conventional styles...
The bounty hunters, which are gathering in spaceship "Bebop," will play freely without fear of risky things...
The work, which becomes a new genre itself, will be called... Cowboy Bebop.
—Text in the background of Cowboy Bebop's opening sequence