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It takes me at least a month to realize that it's just ******** no use anymore is it?

And now's when I decide to look back at everything wrong that I could've done differently, now the saying that I've been knocking down for all these years finally comes into effect, the saying of, "You dont know what you have and how much it really matters to you until you lose it." ..Well...Now I finally do and now I finally realize how disgusting that after feeling is. Cant even go on an explination or even talk to the guy without tears streaming down my cheeks, and what for? To hear in return that "I'm obsessed" or that he doesnt feel the same way in return anymore? Wow...just wow...

I realize now I should've put my whole heart into it and it could've came out great, maybe he wouldnt have been "scared" of what we had and I could still be in a happily ever after and have that moment to look forward to every time I go to bed, everytime I wake up and everytime my mind strays away to a different place. And now I finally feel like slapping myself across the face about a thousand times and more because I realize that I have no heart and no brain or else I would've done these things differently.

Tell me why the ******** did I have to become such a big robot or zombie in the beginning to the crash of the best thing I ever had? Had to act like I didnt ******** care and then fight it out and put the blame on him all the ******** time to make things even more difficult? Lets just say that fighting does NOT strengthen your relationships, it only builds up more to fight about later and builds up more pain to be unleashed later.

And why the hell cant I give myself a big scar on the skin to match the one I carved all over my heart? Because he will stray away and never talk to me again? Because all my friends will be mad at me because I'm causing pain to myself? Who the ******** gives a s**t if I've already did the worst I could ever do by chasing him away? I practically made him hate me! And you know what makes me say that? Because everytime I tell him..or at least try to..tell him that I'll wait, that I'll forever and always love him, that I dont want anyone else, that I still am deeply in love with him, that everything I look at, listen to, think of is him and that I miss him so god damn much I didnt think it was humanly possible, that I regret doing everything I ever did and that I'm so ******** sorry...I get in return, "Look to the future...I dont feel the same...I'm sorry...You're obsessed." .....Oh my god...I cant even say anything else to that except...Oh my god.. what CAN you say to that?...

Then after that I finally think I've done it, I finally hope to God I've done it because I'm so tired of crying every damn night and wishing I would've done things differently, wishing I would've been born a different time, wishing everything I could possibly think of to make things still working well...I find out that I'm not over what I had with him and then I end up as a last resort wishing I was because I know that he doesnt want that, he doesnt want to be with me, he probably hates me, he doesnt think anything of me anymore and probably never will...and I cant do anything about that except get in return, "I'm sorry."

Then all I can do is sulk and start thinking bitterly and cry into the covers of my bed before I start wishing to belong to him again...

So maybe I am obsessed..maybe I cant get over him...but I thought that's what love was suppose to be.
You know the foolish thing was now I'm starting to realize that maybe that whole thing about soulmates and stuff were actually real..and that he was my one because I've never been this strong towards someone else before and I dont think I ever will and sad to admit, I think I'll still be crying over what a ******** idiot I am 20 or somethin' years from now.

Obsessive...yeah I guess...how the ******** should I know...I just love him so much...and I dont know what to do about it.

I cant get over him.

And I cant love him because he wont let me.

Now I have to think about everything I wish for until I can stop myself from crying and go into a deep mood of either depression or hatred or a mixture of both...

I wish I could've stopped acting like I didnt care, and show him just how much I loved him.

I wish I could've stopped the fights instead of encouraging them.

I wish I could've just taken the blame instead of trying to clear my name.

I wish I could've been born prettier, maybe he'd like me more then.

I wish I could've met him in person, maybe if we gave eachother a real hug or kiss, he would've kept waiting and realized that I'm the one he wants to be with.

I wish it could've kept the way it was back when he admitted he wanted to marry me.

I wish I could've moved to where he lived so I could spend every day with him and tell him just how much I loved him.

I wish I could stop being so damn stubborn and stop chasing him away.

I wish I could've been born earlier..maybe he would'nt be so frightened of being in trouble for dating someone 2 years apart from him.

I wish I could've been with him...maybe he would'nt have such a yern for someone to touch and actually have something real with.

I wish I could still be with him.

I wish he would still love me.

I wish he would understand.

I wish I could get over this just as easily as he got over this.

I wish I could stop being reminded of him.

I wish I could stop crying every night wishing that I had done things differently.

I wish I could've done things sooner...maybe it would've stopped him.

I wish I could've stopped him.

I wish I could actually just cry about it and let it all out without someone interrupting.

I wish I could talk to him about it and not have him somehow make me feel worse about what I've done or have him tell me that he doesnt love me anymore.

I wish I could go back in time.

I wish I could go forward and move on.

I wish I could have never met him.

I wish I said no.

I wish someone would just kill me by now.

I wish this nightmare would end...and that I could go to sleep or live one day in peace....

I wish he still loved me...and keep on loving me as much as I love him.

I wish he felt the same as I do right now

28 wishes that will never come true, no matter how much I keep wishing. No matter how much I do, it'll never be anything more than just a wish and no matter how much I cry, nothing will ever change.

I'm sorry Jesse...I wont bother you about it anymore, I promise. I'm sorry I failed you as a friend, a girlfriend, and everything. I'm sorry I seem so obsessive, but I honestly dont know what to do anymore and I dont know how to move on when I still carry this much love for you. Hope you meet someone/have met someone better than me and could ever be for you cause God knows you deserve it since I'm nothing but a wreck for you. Sorry again. sad Yeah yeah...shame on me... I know...

I never wanna fall in love again.

Honestly I dont think I will.

But thanks for the memories, you made at least a fragment of my life worth living for...now you just made me realize how much of a mistake I am to the world and how much more I want to kill myself...:0 that's not your fault though, that's mine for being such a dumbass, but you can agree with me on that, I know nothing about love and can only end up making the worst out of it with anyone I meet.

So even though you're probably not reading this and probably dont care or never will read it, or your friends/my friends are probably looking at this and thinking wow you need a life get over it and you're a pathetic obsessive b***h...yeah I know...sorry for that too : but this is how I am... I fell too deeply in love only to get hurt and hurt not only myself but someone very awesome and dear to me in the process...what the ******** am I to do?...Sob, live, die, the end.

******** love with sandpaper cause that's exactly how it feels...that's exactly how I feel.

End of rant, and hopefully...the end of my feelings for him cause I need to do him at least this one favor and let him go and not feel all creeped out having someone be all "obsessed" with him or whatever s**t's going through the mind right now. v.v god I hate myself.. okay entry over now bye bye. smile if you see me...shoot me in the head and make everyone a little happier and life easier... ^^