I... um... smoked my first cigarette yesterday. Yep, I s**t you not. Okay, well it's not like I hadn't ever tried one before. I took a few hits off of one about three or four years ago, but I never actually sat down and smoked a whole cigarette all to myself... until yesterday... and then again today, just a few hours ago. It was just one of those random things. I'd been thinking about it for days before I actually decided to go to the cig shop to buy a pack. I'm not sure exactly when the thought first entered my head, but it went something like: Well, I've tried sex and I've tried alcohol, so what else is left? Wait, I know!
The funny thing is how easy it was to go and buy a pack. I've been in and out of that store buying cigarettes for years... just, they were never actually for me before. They were always for Tweedle Dumb. So I walk in, the shop-guy recognizes me and gives me a nod, and I'm like: I need a pack of Marlboro Reds, full-flavor 100s. See, I already knew exactly what to ask for. I brought my ID and even remembered to buy a lighter. If the guy at the counter even noticed that I was nervous, then he probably thought that it's only because I always forget the PIN for my cards... which happens a lot lately.
However, as is typical of me, I had to choose to have my first smoke under the worst possible conditions. Outside, on the street, on a very windy, rainy day. It took me forever to get the POS bic lighter I bought to actually light up (now I know why people hate those things), and if I had any sense at all I would've just given up and gone home. But, you know how stubborn I can be sometimes. When I finally did get a flame, I inhaled so hard that I ended up coughing a bit. I was all cold and wet, so that kinda screwed it up too. Usually there's nothing I love more than walking around in the rain, but it was really coming down hard that day, and the wind just made it ten times worse. By the time I got home my baseball cap had raindrops dripping from the brim and my jacket was entirely soaked.
So, um... I don't know what else to say for myself. I'm not even entirely certain of my own reasons for doing this, and I'm fully aware of how stupid I'm being right now. I guess it's just... that I'm trying to break away from the person I used to be. Because, who I used to be, I would have been afraid of doing anything like this. When I think back to the person I used to be, it makes me sick. I was too afraid to drink, to smoke, to do anything really. Anything that I was taught to disregard or anything that seemed even remotely dangerous. I was afraid to make decisions on my own. I was afraid to to anything without someone or something, whether it be a parent, a lover, or even just a rigorous set of morals, telling me what I should do in any given situation. I was afraid to live.
I'm not afraid anymore.
I am afraid that I will get addicted to cigarettes though. Well, it is a valid concern... and since I am a cautious person I'm setting my limit to one a day... or less. There. You see? I'm not spiraling out of control. I'm just making an a** of myself. Saiyuki is probably a bad influence on me.
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rotceh_the_ROTTEN's Gaia Journal
Totally random stuff, for the most part.
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