i think i'll come here and bs when i'm depressed. its a good idea. i get to blast all my s**t out here on gaia's little network and i dont have to waste the time feeling like waht i'm communicating isn't coming out right. there's alot of bs i my situation to work through. my uncollaring, me leaving the house, the bills i have to pay off, the family that i'm living with. to clarify...i just dont feel right living off them. there's odd bits of chemistry between me and the woman and the man is friendly, we mesh, but i always feel, somehow, like i'm in someone else's territory. i get it...but it'd be nice to have my own lair.
so now i'm feeling an odd bit of down. i really do feel like i abandoned those folks...but they were going to destroy me. i left that place with thousands of dollars of bills in my name and now i have to go to court over the lease that they couldn't afford in the first place. this is all the defense i have against "you left them in the cold with no vehicle." "you left her, the one you pledged loyalty to". but these are just little down spots. i kinda feel like this ineffible dedication that i believe i have has failed. i had so much pride in that part of me.
i know where i am. i'm back to that place i was after i left college. i failed at college because i couldn't cope. i failed at this because i couldn't cope. in college, i couldn't cope with not being able to afford the next semester, my gf leaving me, my best friend betraying me, and the fact that if i did leave college, it meant that my life was literally over. i quit this time because i couldn't cope with bills piling up, eviction looming over me every minute, my former mistress staring daggers at me, the feeling that i no longer belonged in a house full of people that i did/do dearly love. this is why i'm doubting myself. before, i relied on my intelligence to sustain me. this time, i relied on my dedication. i put too much stock into both of these qualities and i just wasn't...enuf of something...to let them see me through. i wasn't intelligent enuf for college, i wasn't dedicated enough for this mistress.
i feel like a failure and that, once again, i've lost the identity that i tried so hard to create. i'm wondering where my real identity is. if i'm actually just some kind of person that lives off of the kindness of others like a leech, stuck in some permanent symbiosis with the rest of humanity. i feel horribly inadequate.
i think taht sums it up. inadequacy.
sebastiandefaol Community Member 
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