I've been in trouble a lot with my mother lately. It seems that I'm always doing something wrong when I'm with her. I'm scared to do the wrong thing when I'm with her, and I'm always trying to stay silent so I don't say something to get her mad, but even that will sometimes anger her...
...It's not like it's her fault. She's disabled, and her body keeps doing weird things to her... fibromyalgia, asthma, epilepsy (chronic pain and seizures)... she's on medication. But... I'm still scared of her.
When I cut the fronts of my own hair so it's kinda a weird bangs-like effect, my mother got really angry and threatened to ground me for a month if I ever cut my own hair again. And when I get bad grades, she moans to herself and keeps asking me "why" over and over, then keeps on claiming it's all her fault, like she did something wrong raising me, and that makes me feel guilty for the times that I hate her. I hate all of this... and when I start saying something bad, but I catch myself in time, she insists that I say it and gets exasperated when I say it isn't important.
No, it was nothing at all like this before. Before, we always understood each other, and we rarely fought. I always thought, "She's nothing like the other moms. She's the greatest. She's more of a friend than a mother!" But now, it's nothing at all like when I was a child... except the guilt. When I said something awful, she did the same "did I make a mistake?" run by me, and I felt just as guilty for making her sad. But it was much rarer, only when I was really terrible. Sometimes, I feel like it's almost the same, but I do something wrong more often.
I just feel like those times didn't even happen, like it was a false memory I invented to feel better about now.
 FN Pixie · Sat Nov 15, 2008 @ 06:30pm · 1 Comments |
