Well, here it is.
I walk down a glass path, misty fingers strum a tune upon the strings that bind hearts whereby we drag our kin to doom...
Softly tread all hearts upon a spider's nest, twisted branches leading mine into a shattered field...
Reflections blink from all the shards, the blood flows freely now, a broken path, a jolting pain, a million me's stoop, staring back.
I draw my blood slow streaming out and call them all to life... the single face, that silent sneer, a cackle through the air... like the ice they shatter now, all fragments, dust but one.
"You." she laughs, and calls to mind the things that I do hate, doubt and guilt and fear, my hatred, anger, coldness, shame... Now my mind does shudder back through memory I do fear...
Now I laugh, a gleeful jeer like a madman at his prey, basking in my dismayed face.I the mocker, I the hate, I the darkness, I the fear, i the mocker I the one who in the dark now leers and taunts...
"What are you? Darkness, dark, faulty, hateful, spiteful, dark... nothing worth a bit of light, stupid girl, pretending light..." Then I laughed, the darkness flared, dark I laugh as I consume myself in thousands of glassy flames, flickering, thickening, filling, surrounding, reflected off of every facet of a trillion shards of fragmented silicon... All around, I crouch and crow and speak defeat, hate, darkness, death, all around myself as I devour my own heart.
I look back upon that patch, walking, remembering the tiny match, reflected into such a flame... I return now to that broken path, the shards of glass do wink and scowl as I approach my ancient foe... myself... I come upon her, face her, look into her eyes, fear quickening the blood within my veins, speeding the flow as I tread again upon the glass, giving life to my vicious foe... I look into her eyes and am her.
I see her, leering at me, and I see the pain... the pool of darkness at her feet, eternal life upon sharp points only serves to sharpen her hate. She takes a step... she lives... I turn to run. A thousand fears clamor for precedence as all within me cries to escape, escape from it, from her, from the thing that is me... from the darkness... A quickening tune plays upon the sounding air, singing with the tune of a thousand bits of glass crying for my blood... I race after her. I cannot let her escape... my blood sings for hers, I live... I am denied life for she fears me... I cannot let her escape, for as long as I remain, I will slowly devour her from the inside out... I am hurt. I hate. I seek something.. anything... to fill my emptiness... I am hated. I am despised... Even by myself... After her I plunge, bloody footprints imprinting upon footprints of blood, each step drawing her leaking life into me... I must have it... I must... I cast myself into the abyss after myself, the self that flees from me...
Nothingness devoured me within its endless empty jaws as I plunged into the undefined, slipping, speeding down an endless corridor of all-consuming screaming void. She caught me mid-fall, arms enclosing, pinning hands to things as the space between my chin and neck filled with weight and a warm breeze whispered the reality of her in my ear... A trillion screams, a thousand phobias fought like berserkers against myself, shut down, close off, flee, fly, run, escape, wake, pretend, pretend you're somewhere else... A blot of warmth spread as a sticky liquid soaked the fabric at my back... blood? Spreading like a poison vapor atop a misty murky stream, enveloping, engulfing, entrapping... her blood.... my blood gave her life... would it not follow that hers might spell my death? Spellbound, stricken, quaking I fear, am fear, am consumed by fear. Shut it off, shut it out, anything to escape...
but if she escapes I will devour her... She sees now, remembers, I see it in her that the ghosts have returned, serving her with memories... Memories of her, of us, of blood, of the cuts that cut me off, of the cuts that began and aided the flow, remembers the blood... Remembers how I died and came to life within her... She remembers her... us... we... I.... A thousand words, a million looks, actions beyond count, games played, words conveyed what none said but all screamed, whispered, shouted... cuts and gashes of the past that all silently laughed the same words... the same things... An unspoken curse spoken with a silence that trumps a riot's clash... A curse from which there is no escape, no hope, no appeal... no cure... no cure but death...
I don't. No... I don't want to.. Walls slam together with sickening quickness faster than a wordless thought, mile upon mile of thickness... shut it off, shut it out... She whispers in my ear... "Help..." The arrow pierces through the wall and strikes the guard, the doors are cracking... She whispers the words I'm trying not to hear... "worthless... darkness... evil... Wrong... something's wrong with you.... you are nothing but something wrong... monster... freak... something bad... What is wrong with you? Why can you not fix yourself? It is because you are nothing... nothing but something that is wrong..." The sum of the slices that mutilated my flesh take form once again...
Darkness. Fear. She must feel it... Must see... I am her, I am the her that she fears. She hates me. She beats me because she is afraid to beat anyone else, and through me, she beats herself... She feels as if destroying me will solve her fear... "Help..." I whisper. It hurts. The walls, the cuts, a thousand pains I endure daily, for I am cut off from myself, hated, feared, despised, rejected... not by others, but myself, the ultimate pain... For it is a pain I cannot escape, every moment of our existence we silently kill each other in an attempt to make ourself whole... This hurts... I die a thousand deaths a million times, again and again as I bleed to death and cannot die... But can it be compared to the pain we feel? The fear? the hate? She must see. I am the her that she shut off, cut off, amputated. Gangrene set in long ago... Infected, putrid, filthy, diseased as it eats us both, she thinks she's clean... She cannot be so long as I am not... I am the her that she cut off, that she cannot, will not see, that she blinds herself to, that she pretends does not live through her... but she gave me life... I live. Freak. Evil. Dark. ...maybe.... I can't deny that I am not good... but I am her. I will eat her alive if she does not see. We are fragments. She cannot be whole without me... I am her... but it's been so long... we are different people.. she has grown... I have grown... Yet I am not Hyde, whatever my Dr. Jeckle may think... I am, rather, Frankenstein's monster... a monster yes, but I must be whole or else eat her whole and destroy us both...
I need her help. She tries to kill me but I am her. I cannot die... I only hurt. Hurt... Hurt... Hurt... no. I don't want to. I don't want to see. I want to shut it off, to kill her. I hate her... why must she be me? Remain? the nothingness rolls back to reveal a corridor of colored glass, from every surface eyes stare back at me, her eyes, mine... ours... pain. Loss. Hurt. Hate. Loneliness. Sorrow. Fear... in... both? Accusation... what have I done to deserve such a multitude of judges screaming for my blood? Blood... yes, blood... it trails, eerily suspended in midair as it falls with us, fragmenting into a crimson mist that somehow makes the eyes more real... mine or hers? I cannot tell... it is the same. How dare she bleed my blood? Fear and anger rise... she is death... darkness... evil... what I fear... what I fear I am, what of myself I fear is that... All of myself that I hate has me locked within her grasp. I am sickened by my own grasp... How dare she bleed my own blood and not die?
...dampness... a rivulet of seawater meets my clavicle; I shudder at the touch... I am shaking... or is she? I cannot tell... tears are part of myself I tried to kill... are tears evil?... the thought gives me pause... weakness... at the touch of the thought, as the feel of the stream across my clammy skin, I'm a leaf hit by a sudden gale, shaking as we fall... Weakness? Weakness. Pain. Hurt. sorrow. Fear is strong in us both. I see her eyes stare back at me, week, destitute, sorrow, I see myself stricken a thousand times into a powder flour-fine... glued together into a form by the very blood blood of my veins, drawn forth by a pantheon of blows... She is me...
I am her. She begins to see. I am weakness... I am pain... I am fear... I am sorrow... but I am her... help me... help us... help I... return yourself to yourself... we are not evil... we are not "no good"... we are dark, yes, but light as well. Take me in, take me back, we must be whole... Tears fall... I am the weakness you tried to kill, but you are not strong... you dealt yourself a fatal blow, fragmenting yourself into bloody bits of half-human nothingness that eternally kill each other in a never-ending war... in becoming strong you became weak. You have dealt us a fatal blow... a light wind scatters us like so much chaff in the wind. You saw it before...
Fragments, grains of sand, bits of flesh smashed from her, fallen to the ground, became a her of itself... Fragments begin to drift back, begin to stick, begin to trickle back into the holes in my other self... She is taking me back... I am taking her back... I will die if I do not. Everything in us screams for wholeness... will I deny myself that right?
I... yes, I, for we are I now... do not know if I can stay together... we are different, we are in opposition to one another, we still fear each other... but the hate is gone... Perhaps we can make peace? Peace with myself is what I have longed for... if only I realized that I was both...
I dimly walk a glassy path, lit by flickering flames that shudder in the darkening gloom... We are me and I am us... perhaps we can be whole... Upon the spider's nest I tread, following the heart-string's path back to where we both belong...
View User's Journal
Wraithgirl
whatever I put in it.
 |
Wraithgirl
Community Member |
