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I've lost my composure again, and with that I've also lost contact with her. At least for a month if I can stand it, however, I barely lasted seven days the last time I tried to forget what I felt. She confirmed some more things and denied others last night, but honestly, I didn't care if the other source had the wrong idea or not, I just wanted to know if I meant more to her than how she made me feel. I did. I lost it soon after that when I asked why she gave up on me when there was still love in her.

She still has attachment issues, like I did when I was her age, so I don't know why it's a mystery why she's been this way. I could never talk about my feelings, or sit too close to people even at the age of twenty-one. I had seen too many people leave, betray me, or die at that point to know that I wasn't going to have a normal life with friends and relationships. I learned that to be wrong, and I had gained a few friends in the following years, and I had been able to lead a normal life full of relationships with other people. She however, seems more damaged than I was though, and it may take more time for her. What upsets me about this is the fact that my time is already up to her, and she can't try again because she knows that it will only end in hurt and detachment.

She now plays her wishes of not having a set time frame for when we'd end as a couple onto wishful thinking. She wanted commitments from me like that of a marriage, and they were hard for me to say on the spot, and that made her sad even. It took a long while to know for certain that I wouldn't hurt her, and so I'd made my choice and stayed with her--forever if I had to so she wouldn't have to cry. I don't understand her survival mechanisms, she cried her heart when I suggested that we might have not made two years out of the fact that I haven't had many relationships to last much longer than that, and now she's frozen herself in her decision to leave me behind despite everything she wished and pleaded about in the past.

I don't understand why she feels she still has to be so cold. I asked her what would happen to her best friend, the nice and pretty girl she left me for, and I asked whether she'd her her this much too. When I said that, she quite plainly said that she, herself, would likely be the one that would get hurt in the end. I don't want it to be this way, she doesn't have to go through a cycle of hurt and hurting like this. I just want her to have a normal relationship, I'm not sure I even care if I'm that person anymore though...

I hope I can sequester myself for a long enough length of time to figure out my feelings and what I need to fix inside myself so that I can have my old friend back they way we used to be without becoming nostalgic of the days when I could freely express myself to her. It hurts so much to be away from her though, that I'm tempted to rush back to her and pretend I hadn't flipped out last night, and that we can be cool together right now, before this commitment of mine has even seen another nightfall. She makes me so weak inside... -_-