I used to think I knew myself completely but now I don't know what to think. Am I a good friend? Am I a bad daughter? I’m as real as they come to everyone else but I’m fake towards myself. I’ve noticed that all the careers I chose to pursue encourage my façade. Actress: To be someone…anyone else but myself. Writer: A chance to create a perfect life for someone and fantasize that I am that fictional character. Fashion Designer: Fashion is dressing up, putting on an act, hiding who you really are. It’s about making people look on the outside so they ignore the inside. Model: An icon. A hollow mannequin of the fashion world. People will stare at me and wonder who’s my stylist and where I shop, which lets me get on quietly with my latest nervous breakdown. For the people who know me, do you love my image or the real me? Have you seen me as I really am?
I remember…and I’ll never forget when my cousin told me that I was obsessed with the SIMS (you know, the video game?). He said I was stuck in a virtual life. That I would do anything to get away from my real life…and he was right. But why do I think my life is so horrible that I take every opportunity to escape from it?
It’s been a long time since I’ve cried sincere tears. The last time I really cried was when I thought about how I would never see my (future) daughter on her wedding day because of my failing eyesight (that’s a whole different story). But as I write this, I shed tears from one eye. I look in the mirror and wonder why my right eye won’t cry. I study my reflection and realize that this is my true form. One side of me I show to everyone: Brave, silly, emotionless and tough. The other side of me is kept in shadows and completely hidden from the world, even from me. Isolated and broken…I never show anyone my pain. I wonder, who am I really?
 sisi21 · Wed Jun 18, 2008 @ 04:18pm · 0 Comments |
