It's so crazy, life I mean.
One minute I'm happy the next I don't know what my feelings are. My feelings have been so mixed up ever since Brent died. I can't think clearly at points, and to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. Yea, my religion helps me to get through tough points when I'm completely broken but I don't like asking so much from the Lord and Lady. I'm lost at times and it seems like I can't reach out to anyone. I don't want to put that weight on my friends (my true friends), and my parents don't want to listen to me. My siblings, they have their own lives. "All my problems are for me" that's what it is. The thing that I can turn to at any time is musik, it's always the #1 thing that I know will always be here and I can listen to it and not have to worry about anything. Of course, I don't always get to listen to the musik that I'm in the mood for. There's times when I can't even listen to musik at all, and everything gets worse. I don't know if any of this is good or bad. Am I the only one who has to deal with this? I don't know.
Everyday that goes by with me having the knowledge of Brent being gone it hurts so much more than it did the day before. I thought it was suppose to be easy as time went on? It was that way with my Grandma's death. I don't know why it didn't happen this time? August is gonna hurt me so much. The 10th will mark 1 year...... I want to see him, but then I know that people will be there, and I want to be alone. I don't know if the tattoo I'm getting in memory of him will help ease my pain, I hope it will. I'll have to wait and see. I wonder if me writing about him and how bad I hurt will help me!? I try to talk to the people that knew him and they don't want to talk about it. I hope that that's not the reason why I hurt so much. Of course, I think it might be. Hurting because people put on a mask and don't show their pain so I in turn hurt more because they're not showing it!? I know a lot of my little scribbles that I write when there's not a lot to do is revolved around the memories we shared.
Emotions scare me.
Spartan979_musik6-13-05 · Thu Jun 12, 2008 @ 04:58am · 0 Comments |