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I had a major depression breakdown last night... I feel alot better after a decent sleep though. But anyway, I guess I shoul tell the story, oh readers...

Well, I've been depressed since I was 7. In case you don't kow this, depression is not necessarily something that is caused by a traumatic event... it can just be a chemical imbalance. In this case, a chemical imbalance is what I have. My imbalance is, that I lack ceratonin, which is a cell in your brain that helps control emotions. When I did ecstasy regularly, it killed alot of my lack-thereof ceratonin. Making me have like, no ceratonin at all. Soooo, on that note, I have nothing controlling my emotions... because I quit only a year ago, it hasn't given my brain enough time to develop more ceratonin just yet.

So that's a little fact about my history with depression and a little bit of info on depression itself.

Now for the reason I had my breakdown...

Well, my depression is really really bad, so... I have alot of self esteem/confidence issues. I tend to need reassurance... alot. As you may or may not know, Mike (my boyfriend), is currently working and going to university, giving me not alot of time with him... and, well, I didn't get to see him all week, and I felt so dirty and ugly... I made plans to sleep with someone else. No, I don't "love" sex. That is not what I was after, I was after the feeling... the feeling of being attractive. When somebody is like, "yeah I'll have sex with you," and not reject me, it usually means they think I'm attractive. I mean, how many people have sex with people who they don't find attractive? Well, anyway, so that was that. I had sex with another man... I felt so bad after... I knew it wasn't right from the start, and I'm going about my problems the wrong way, but I have an evil, twisted side of me that just doesn't care if I'm doing the wrong thing. It reminds me of the situations you see in the cartoons, you know, with the devil and angel on opposite shoulders? Yeah...

My heart is begging for a committed relationship, but this epic war my brain is having with its "other half" is preventing it. Because in alot of cases, my brain isn't mentally stable for this kind of relationship. I decided to tell Mike the truth, because I never keep things from him. Ever. So, I phoned him when he got off work, told him everything. He understood, he loves me far too much to let me go after one mistake. But it was such a bad mistake, I just felt like I didn't deserve him. He's too good for me, I always think to myself, even now. That's the main reason I had my breakdown last night, because this war in my brain causes me so many thoughts... that turn into questions, and never have answers. I was debating if I should break up with him because I was afraid of hurting him again, and letting my emotions get in the way of those thoughts... causing a "yes or no" scenario. I guess my rambling doesn't make sense to those that haven't experienced my situation before. But that is basically it, my brain was fighting itself telling me one thing then the other. I just didn't know what to believe, do or say. I was jumbled up, like my brain was burst into a million piece puzzle, and not one piece was connected to another...

As a matter of fact, whenever this happens, I get so depressed and angry at myself, because I just don't get myself. The worst thing to go through, in my opinion, is to not understand yourself. Like, I get the fact I'm depressed, yeah, but even though I've had it for a long time, I never thought once that it would affect me so much stronger than it did when I was young. And believe me, I stabbed myself with a stitch ripper at age 7. Just barely missed the vein. I have some terrible scars on my arms, from suicidal thoughts... my emotions have been on an overhaul all my life. Even moreso now, and I don't understand why. This is why I get so upset, because I don't know why I've been feeling this way. I should at least get to understand my feelings, but I don't. I makes me so furious... furious that I cry buckets of tears.