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Between last night and today I'm completely confused. I have no idea who I am or what I want anymore. I could probably tell you more about some random person I've met on the street than about who I am. I just don't know anymore.

I'm sitting in my room alone right now, almost in tears trying to drive away an intense urge to cut. It's after midnight here, I got home about an hour ago. In a total of almost three hours I've had four run-ins with the cops, and drama with my parents. The cop problems are the least of my worries since nothing actually happened and the cops were full of themselves. But the drama with my parents is just a little too much. My mother is always telling me how much she hates my father and how after my sister and I graduate she is gonna devorce him. They are constantly fighting, I've grown to hate them both. My mother says that they are staying together for the sake of my siblings and I when they are doing more harm than good. My sister has a theory that my mother is cheating on my father, which at this point isn't hard to believe. Friday and Staurday nights she gets all dressed up and leaves, she tells no one where she's going or when she'll be home. She's started working alot more Saturdays than before. My parents fought about it this morning when she left, my father has started thinking the same as my sister. My mother gave me some "advice" the other day that really hurt, she told me "learn from where I ******** up never have kids, thats one of the biggest misteaks I've ever made. If I hadn't had kids I'd still be enjoying my life!" That and the constant fighting have made me hate them and hate being home. Its to the point where I almost wish they were drunks, or abusive so that I had a reason to hate them. I hate having to be more of a "mom" to my younger brothers than my mother is. I almost worry what will happen after I graduate high school next year, who will pick my youngest brother up from the after school program, cook dinner, help with homework and clean the house when my parents are working late? I can't wait to leave but after spending five years (since I was 12 do the math) taking care of them, I can't help but worry. I can't help it, right now the urge, the need to cut is so strong. It's the one thing I can control, that I have full control of. I need this sense of control, I'm so sick and tired of feeling helpless, and that I can do nothing right. HELP! Please?

I dont feel like being judged because I cut, so kindly keep any rude remarks to yourself.

I posted that in LI last night after I got home. For a few hours I was fine, I had things under control. 3am rolls around and I've just finished my third energy drink of the night, I feel jittery, guilty, angry. I stayed on the computer til about 3:15/3:30 until I couldn't stand staring at the screen any longer. I was laying on my bed trying to coax myself to sleep, and outta nowhere I find a book of matches. Not wanting to be surrounded by darkness I light a lil tea light and sat on the floor next to it. I sat there just thinking until I grabbed another tea light and lit it, I continued to light them til I had nine or ten on the floor next to me. While I sat there staring into the flickering flames the urge to cut became unbareable and overwhelming. I sat there shaking I wanted it so bad, but I wasn't gonna cut I wouldn't let myself do it. Than before I knew it I had the knife open in my hand with the stainless steel blade glittering invitingly in the glow of the candle light. Even with the knife pressed to my skin I wouldn't let myself cut I was forcing myself to resist. It worked until I heard a low voice wispering encourgement, reminding me how angry I was, how guilty I was, how much I deserved to be in control, how much I deserved to hurt. I didn't relize that the voice was my own until after I made my first cut. Soon after my first cut I stoped using the knife and switched to the razor blade. The first cut I made with it hurt, but thats what I wanted. After a few it became easy again and hurt less, the sight of blood soothed me. I made between 10 and 15 cuts last night, everyone of them let blood flow over my arm. The cloth I used to control the bleeding is soaked through, when I finally felt like I could sleep I cut out a piece of an old sock and duct taped it tightly to my arm to control and stop the bleeding.
I woke up this morning and took of my duct tape bandage which hurt like hell by the way to see what I had actually done. The cuts seemed to be dry and clean so I didn't bother to to recover it. Soon after a few of the cuts began to ooze a slightly, I cleaned them and let them air out. I expected to feel guilty and angry with my self for cutting, but instead I was happy and relieve when I got up. Having cut didn't give me any more anger or guilt. I'm glad I cut, it has relieved so much s**t that has been building up inside me.
Now here is where I get confused. I harbor a hate for both my parents, and it'll never go away. But the parents I hate on only there when they are together. I spent the day with my mom, not something I was looking forward to but I did it. I found she wasn't the person I hated when she was away from my dad, but I hated my dad no matter who he was around. I don't like hating them for what seems like no reason, they are pretty good to me, got me a truck and pay for my gas. I seriously wish there was something wrong with them i.e. abusive, drunks, druggies, any thing! I know others have parents alot worse than mine so it seems stupid to say I hate them. But I do, I really do, I harbor so much hate for them inside my being, and I dont know what to do with it.