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For people who don't have facebook:
3:44pm Wednesday, Dec 5:
August-December 5
Strange how some things lag when they end, and how some things end immediately. Sometimes I wonder which is the better of the two.
I guess it's true what they say: 'All good things must come to an end.'
Was our relationship a good thing? It ended abruptly, so I guess it must have been.
I never got a really credible answer for it ending. Something along the lines of 'too busy' or 'lost the feeling'. See? I fail at even remembering s**t like that. And it was like only 1 or 2 hours ago.
Well, I DID tell him I was a hearbreaker [or on the bad end of several relatonships]. I always wondered if that affected us in any way at all. Maybe? Maybe not.
Too late to ask now.
Funny, I didn't bust into tears and beat the crap out of him. Surprising. I just left. Just walked right out of the room. They all saw.
Am I pissed at him?
Sure.
Am I pissed at myself?
Sure.
A simple shake of the head when question by his friends explained everything.
Am I ok?
Of course, I'M NOT.
Right when I'm happy that this was going to last much longer than Michael or Shinji, it all explodes in my face. Can I PLEASE have one relationship that isn't completely ******** up? JUST ONE?
I don't even feel like this has ended, because they are so many loose ends that haven't been tied. Like, I don't even KNOW why it ended. He says it wasn't anything I did, but I feel like it was. Either that, or he's doubting too much. I can be completely faithful to something if I really care about it.
Maybe because I said he should put away his Magic cards and spend more time with me? Maybe because I can't get out of the house? Maybe 'cause I'm just too wierd and liable to kill him?
Have you ever frozen something and let it melt? And re-freeze it again? It's not the same when you freeze it again. It gets a little more out of shape, a little more brittle, a little more old. That's how I am. I jus get worse and worse, never any better over time.
I get hurt easily, but heal slowly. Too slowly sometimes.
It's wierd how sme things just go so well together. While everything was falling apart, the song 'I Don't Love You' came on my iPod. The chorus goes a little something like this: 'When you go/ Would you even turn to say/ "I don't love you/ Like I did/ Yesterday"' That's when I started crying. Not the sobbing crap, just... tears. First tme I ever cried in school. Or in front of someone other than family.
However, what's been done is done.
John, if you see this, I'm sorry for everything I've done to you.
I'm sorry.
I don't know if the next girl you find will be like me, but I hope she is better and can give what I couldn't.
To Nik, Mike, Will, Kyle, Danny, Patrick, Sophia:
I'll be ok.
Or at least I hope so.
I'm probably going to vanish in and out of your lives for awhile and maybe I'll be back more often in the end.
It's been a long journey, and I'm finally ready for the earth to swallow me up again.
11:02pm Wednesday, Dec 5:
It's only been a few hours since I typed the previous venting note.
But despite this, I feel so much better about the whole situation. Guess writing really helps release everything you've wanted to say.
I'm aware my last writing touched several, making some cry. Maybe that's a good sign?
Hope so.
Well, in the time between, I realized that this wasn't off crying and moaning over. I had a life to live, people to see, and friends to keep in check.
It feels like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and let me fly freely.
Now, I never said that I was really oppressed during the whole ordeal, but it's strange how I feel relieved. It's true that noone should ever feel oppressed during a relationship. I still don't understand, but I'll let that go for now.
All I know is that I feel pretty damn happy right now.
Music helps too. I've found that a song by The Spill Canvas really helped. Lyrics are found here: http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=3530822107858488858
I'll let you guys think about it for yourselves.
I have to admit, this WAS a stupid move for John. Not exactly a bad thing for me, really. I have my sisters [you guys know who you are + a few bros] and John's friends to help me go through this. There's nothing I really need to fret about, I have have people to catch me, to help me.
I've already found the people I love and care very much about. Don't know about him.
He's just lost his lucky charm.
Now we'll see what happens when he's without it.
Keep in mind, I still care for him. I'll still care for him even if he doesn't anymore. But don't expect me to let it go so easily.
Stupidity isn't easily forgiven.
11:28pm Friday, Dec 7
I told myself to get over it.
I thought I did.
I didn't.
I hate him.
I still love him.
Why won't he go away?
Why are you in my dreams?
Why are you everywhere I go?
Why do I see you everywhere?
What's happening?
11:17pm Tuesday, Dec 11
So, as of tomorrow it'll be one whole week without John.
Confetti and balloons for everyone. [/sarcasm]
I've been happier for the last couple of days. Funny thing is, all the things that I hated during our relationship began to go away after it was over. For example, I'm slimming up, exercising more, skin is clearing up, sickness is kinda getting better, and on my way to getting my health up too. [Though not eating much probably reduces this by a bit.] Wushu and MAT helped too, so I could get my mind off things [and yay for endorphines].
Support has come from my sisters [and bros], his friends, and some teachers. Everyone has been so supportive, that I can't think of anything to say to you guys.
Though, I really would like to thank the random girl who helped reassure me one day. I wasn't expecting anyone to even talk to me that day.
Sometimes the best things come from someone you don't know.
However, the explanation still confuses me. I get the feeling that there's something he dosn't want me to know, and he's throwing all the bs out at me to distract from the main reason. All the things he said shouldn't have caused so much trouble, really. And they could've been easily fixed.
It keeps me up at night sometimes.
But the fact that we aren't communicating well doesn't make it any easier. I don't think I'll get a good conversation out of him for a very long time. Sadly, that's kind of what I miss the most. He's nice to talk to. Maybe coffee tomorrow will help loosen things up.
Don't know if I'm ready for another relationship anytime soon. Of course, it's natural for me to cling onto someone else in the transitional period, since I'm lacking all the affection I got from him [which I also miss D:]. I feel bad for him though. Sure, I can get guys, but can he get another girl? Hmm...
I've heard over and over: 'get over him' and 'forget about it'.
It's not as easy as it sounds.
Material things, we can throw away instantly. It just happens, then it's gone.
Stuff like feelings don't go away like that. They stick around for days, or maybe months on end.
I don't think they [or he] realizes that I still care deeply about John. Sure, I know he's done a lotof stupid things, but I stand to help him through life in a way. I care about him so much, I still feel guilty when I'm with someone else.
The worst thing is, I can't get straight answers out of him anymore. Or, I'm too afraid to hear the truth.
Eiter way, he's not making this easy for either of us.
[John: if you're reading this, I hope we can have a somewhat friendsip like back in smmer school. I miss those days.]
6:56pm Thursday, Dec 13
So.
The week is finally coming to an end.
Days turn to weeks,
weeks turn to months,
and months turn to years.
And as soon as we stop and look, it seems like a lifetime has passed right by us.
That's kind of what these past few days has felt like.
I can feel a change among many people close to me.
Some are just falling into love,
some are breaking,
some are too confused,
and some are indifferent.
It's been a rocky landscape for them, too.
I live a constrained life now, whenever I'm around him.
I've heard that the rest of them welcome me with open arms, but it doesn't seem so.
It's hard to pour out my heart to people when I'm speaking to them face-to-face.
But those who are willing to listen just tell me to pull through it.
I'm really trying to.
Finally, it has occured to me that I was spoiling him.
He never deserved this, he never deserved me.
But it doesn't seem so, in my mindset.
Though, he's gotten to the point where I think he just stopped caring.
I told him he changed.
His eyes have changed, his expressions have changed, and his personality has changed.
More than that, his heart has turned.
But maybe,
he is finally showing me his real self.
The part I managed to ignore and conceal.
The real person behind the fake heart to please me.
Now everything I've heard fits, everything that they've said.
He is as bad as they say.
What they said was right: 'A man will hide anything to get the girl.'
And I believe it.
Hakai Ryuu · Fri Dec 28, 2007 @ 08:19pm · 1 Comments |
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