There's nothing really special about mine, but I did it, so it's obviously awesome. blaugh And probably some of the jokes you've heard before (I <3 reading spoofs). this is terribly random as well...there's plenty of non-LotR stuff too.
Anyways, what's the fun in being a rabid fangirl of anything if you can't spoof it?
(If there's bad spelling, blame Livi. She pops in a few lines every so often. xd )
Crazy narrator (that's me.):
Long, long ago-
Frodo: In a galaxy far, far away...
Crazy Narrator: No! Shut up, Pinku-er, Frodo! *ahem*
A long time ago this crazy dude named Sauron decided to join the Dark Side. I mean Morgoth. This was probably because he made some awesome cookies, but anyways. So he gave rings to all the races of Midde Earth because for some reason, all bad guys want to take over the world.
Three for the Elves, prettiest of all the races. These three were given to the wisest and prettiest Elves.
Legolas: Hey! How come I don't have a ring? *pouts*
Crazy Narrator: I did say wisest Elves. Anyways.
Seven for the dwarf lords, so they would stop complaining that Sauron never sent them Christmas presents.
And nine rings for the Kings of Men, who above all desire power and all things shiny.
Crazier narrator (Livi): but the big evil eye that smelled like cookies lured the nine men to his side by using shiny things....
HEY PUT THAT DOWN!!! JUST BECAUSE IT"S SHINY DOESNT MAKE IT YOURS!
sorry...anyways....And they set out in quest of the shiniest thing in the world
Crazy narrator: But the races of Middle Earth didn't want Sauron to take over. So they had this freakin huge war and a bunch of people died.
Sauron: MWAHAHAHA I have a sharp pointy hat!!!
Isildur: You killed my father!
Sauron: No, Luke, I am your father! er, nevermind.
Isildur: Your ring is shiny. I want it. *cuts off finger*
Sauron: *poof*
Mt. Doom
Elrond: The ring is evil. And terribly tacky. Throw it in the fire.
Isildur: No, I want to use it for my own selfish, corrupted human purposes. And it's shiny.
Ring: You humans smell funny. Oooh! Orcs! Target practice!
Isildur: AAAAAHHHH!!!!
Crazy Narrator: So everyone forgot about all that and hundreds of years later the ring was found by a creepy schitzofrenic gray dude until Bilbo found it and saved his butt from getting eaten.
Looooooooooooong time later, in the Shire:
Gandalf: I'm here! The party can start now!
Frodo: Yay! This is the only part of the movie where I can be happy and not have my eyes rolling into the back of my head! Go me!
Bilbo: Its my birthday! Yay me! I shall now put on the incredabley shiny thing and dissapear forever!
Gandalf: Whatever. Have fun while I sit around smoking weed and making smoke ships.
Bilbo's Birthday party
Pippin: Let's cause mass chaos!
Merry: Yay! Let's go explode something!
Pippin: *twith* Explosives! *twitchtwitch*
Merry: Pay no attention to the cutest hobbit in the movie innocently eating an apple...
*lights firework*
Pippin: *screams*
Bilbo: Hello wonderfully wierd family members. You know what, I would say how great you are, but I'd rather just go off a reaaaaaaaaaaly long vacation. *POOF*
Gandalf: Bilbo - give me the ring!
Bilbo: No!!!! Its shiny!
Gandalf: Yes but its shininess has corrupted you. You must now let it work on Frodo.
Bilbo: alright. Ill just drop it right here in the middle of the floor.
Frodo: *trips over ring and falls flat on his face*
Gandalf: I must go. Off to Minas Tirith!
Frodo: *gets up* You just got here!
Gandalf: I need information. And Advil. Stupid hobbit party hangovers...*rides off*
Gandalf: Horray for random libraries that contain information on everything! I'll look under S for shiny evil magic rings. Oh, we're doomed. That's nice. I suppose I should tell Frodo that his ring is the evilest thing in Middle Earth and must be destroyed. After I finish my coffee.
Back at Bag End
Gandalf: The ring is evil.
Frodo: But it's shiny!
Gandalf: You have to take it to Rivendell where we will pretend that you are done with your journey and then send you to your DOOM! I mean Mt. Doom.
Frodo: Can't you take it?
Gandalf: No.
Frodo: Even if I use my huge blue eyes to persuade you?
Gandalf: No.
Frodo: Dang. That works on my fangirls...
Sam: *eep*
Gandalf: Like that one?
Sam: I'm not a fangirl...I was just hiding outside your window, Mr. Frodo...
Gandalf: Because you're such a horrible lier, you have to go with Frodo. Haha, that should be amusing. I'm off to see the obviously evil Saruman. Goodbye!
Farmer Maggot's cornfields
Sam: I thought I lost you, Mr. Frodo! Don't run away from me again!
Frodo: um...are you sure you're not one of my fangirls...
Sam: *sigh* remember? I'm the one who gets married, I'm the one who has thirteen kids...
Frodo: rolleyes
Pippin: *crash*
Sam: Don't hurt Frodo!
Merry: *crash* AAHH! It's Darth Vader! Oh, it's just Sam. Hi Frodo. Hold this, Sam, and RUN!
Pippin: wait, no! shiny laser...*runs*
Sam: hold vegetables and wait for huge dogs or run...hold vegetables and wait for huge dogs or...RUN!
Frodo: Why the heck is Farmer Maggot chasing you anyways? That wasn't that many vegetables...
Merry: He's clearly overreacting.
Pippin: Unless he remembers the potatoes we stole last week...or his strawberries last Monday...or his mushrooms on Thursday...or that wierd shiny blue rock we found yesterday...
Merry: Like I said, he's clearly overreactAHHHH CLIFF!
Frodo: *crash*
Pippin: *crash*
Sam: *crash* AHHHH!
Frodo: um...guys...the road is doing this wierd zoom-in-out thing and it's creepy...
Merry: ok, you just fell off the deep end...
Pippin: MUSHROOMS! *twich*
Frodo: GET OFF THE ROAD!
*jump into hole under tree*
Rider: Fear me! I am scary! Listen to my dark foreboding music!
Frodo: Noooo problems there...*hides*
Sam: eew...bugs...*faints*
Merry: *grabs laser*
That should take care of him.Frodo: *smack* You just let them know we're here!
Merry: oh...right then. Buckleberry Ferry! *runs like crazy*
Pippin: AAAH!! HORSE! *jumps on ferry*
Merry: *trips and falls onto ferry*
Frodo: *jumps and falls into water*
Sam: FRODO!
Frodo: *climbs up on raft* I'm just practicing for the bridge of Khazad-dum!
Merry: I got a splinter in my foot...
Bree
Frodo: Man, we are short.
Merry: You noticed?
Frodo: Ok. We're just going in to find Gandalf.
Pippin: FOOD!
Merry: BEER!
Frodo: *sigh* Stay here and don't mention my real name or the Ring. Got it?
Pippin: Got it. Stay here and mention your real name and the Ring.
Frodo: No!
Pippin: Don't mention your real name or the Ring, so don't stay here.
Frodo: *smacks forehead* oy...
Random Cat: I am the coolest character in this whole movie.
Sam: That guy over there keeps staring at you. It's creepy.
Merry: How can he not stare at him with his...erm...interesting face?
Random guy: Hey, we have something for a Baggins?...
Pippin: Ooh! We have a Baggins!
Frodo: *smacks Pippin* It's Underhill, you dork.
Pippin: Yeah, whatever. Have you heard about his ring?
Frodo: *falls over and puts on Ring* AAAAHHHH!!!!
Merry: Did Frodo just like, disappear?
Pippin: Yup. Ooh, mushrooms!
Frodo: *appears*
Aragorn: *takes Frodo away*
Frodo: Who are you?
Aragorn: Are you frightened?
Frodo: Um, yes...I just had a creepy mind trip where a giant eyeball talked to be, and now there's some wierdo stalking to me.
Aragorn: Haha, you're scared. Hahahahaha....*ahem*
Sam: Don't hurt Frodo!
Aragorn: ...or you'll attack me with that candlestick? Frightening.
Merry: Am I the only one terribly confused here?
dude at gate: Um, sorry Mister Creepy Black Rider, but your horse won't fit through the door.
Black Rider: *smush* Now it does. *nails on chalkboard*
Aragorn: Yup, that unearthly scream means grab a pony and let's scram!
Midge Marshes (That is their name, right? Somthing like that)
Merry: What do they eat when they can't get hobbit?
Sam: That's my line!
Merry: Yeah, but I'm cuter.
Random hill
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Merry: You're always hungry.
*off in background*
Barbossa: Watch this. *chucks apple at Merry* (what is it with him and apples, anyways?)
Merry: See, there's breakfast.
Pippin: But I want an apple!
Undead monkey: *chucks apple at Pippin's head*
Pippin: Ouch!
Frodo: *cracks up*
Pippin: Stupid monkey...
Merry: You know that won't do any good.
Pippin: Does me.
Weathertop
Aragorn: Look, there's Weathertop!
Frodo: Is that supposed to be significant?
Aragorn: It's just part of the story. I could bore you with the details about how it used to be important hundreds of years ago and was some tower that the Witch-King of Angmar knocked over, but I'm not going to get into that, because the audience would fall asleep. Now we're also going to skip Gandalf's message...
Frodo: Gandalf left a message?
Aragorn: It's over there on the rock. Three scratches means he was here three days ago.
Merry: That's stupid. It wasn't three days ago when he wrote it.
Aragorn: But now it is three days later, so that means he was here three days ago! Duh, I have mad tracking skilz.
Sam: But it wasn't three days ago when he wrote it. How would he know we'd be here three day later?
Aragorn: Shut up. Have a sword.
Pippin: SHINY!
Merry: You know, it's not really smart to give him something sharp and pointy...
Aragorn: You're right. Anyways, we can't let the Star Wars references stop here. Have these!
Pippin: Shiny...
Frodo: Where the heck did you find these?
Aragorn: I'm going to be King. I get around. Now I have to conveniently disappear and leave you to your doom. Adios!
*later*
Frodo: *stomps on fire* You idiots! That stupid fire is going to let them know we're here!
Merry: *cracks up*
Frodo: What?
Merry: You're foot's on fire! Haha...
*enter Nazgul very creepily*
Witch-King: We are the Nazgul who say Ni!
Nazgul: Ni! Ni! Ni!
Frodo: Nazgul, we are but poor travelling hobbit salesmen...
Nazgul: NI!
Frodo: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Merry: Don't worry, we'll just stand here and do nothing.
Frodo: I am in pain. AAHHH!!! Need Tylenol!
Aragorn: We're out. I'll go get some kingsfoil.
Arwen: *walks in randomly* Behold, I am Liv Tyler! Bow before my shininess! *angelic chorus*
*hobbits are dazed by her shininess*
Aragorn: Wait, where's Glorfindel?
Arwen: *kicks some dirt over something that looks coincidentally like a dead guy* Um...I don't know...
Aragorn: *sigh* Stay with the Hobbits. I'm sure they'd appreciate it...
Arwen: Not on your life.
Aragorn: *sigh* Why can't you just stay home and look pretty?
Arwen: One, because Legolas just showed up and I don't want him to throw a fit about not being the prettiest. And two, I get to stay home and waste away pathetically in the next movie.
*runs off*
Nazgul: You are not allowed to cross the river! We demand a sacrifice! Ni!
Arwen: *sigh* You smell funny. Have a bath.
Rivendell
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson. I mean Aragorn.
Frodo: Gandalf! Where the heck were you?
*flashback to home of the obviously evil Saruman*
Saruman: I'm evil.
Gandalf: That's nice. I'm going to give you some secrets about the Hobbits.
Saruman: I work for Sauron.
Gandalf: You are the wisest of the Wizards.
Saruman: Isengard even LOOKS evil. Not to mention the Uruk-Hai factory downstairs.
Gandalf: Whatever. Did I tell you I know where the Ring of Power is?
Saruman: I have a sparkly tye-dye robe! I am Sauman of Many Colors!
Gandalf: You ARE evil!
Saruman: Go me! Eat sharp pointy ceiling!
Later:
Saruman: *climbs stairs to top of Isengard* Must...install...elevator...
Gandalf: Ignore the giant eagle behind you. *jumps*
Saruman: Well, that saves me my daily trip up the stairs. At least he can't spit gum on down on the Orcs, anyways.
Frodo: ...Gandalf?
Gandalf: *snaps back to reality* Um...I was delayed.
Sam: *bursts in* FRODO! The love of my life is alive! Did I just say that out loud?
Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side.
Frodo: o.O
later...
Elrond: Life sucks. *FLASHBACK TIME*
Audience: WE ALREADY SAW THIS.
Elrond: Yeah, but you must find out why I hate the world. Men are stupid. Dwarves are stupid. Hobbits look like little lawn gnomes. I so can't wait to ditch Middle Earth and leave all you freaks.
Gandalf: That's nice. Did you turn emo while I was gone, or something?
Elrond: By the way, I've created a council of a bunch of random people I hate. I'm going to send them off to their doom. Make sure you're there.
speaking of people Elrond hates...
Aragorn: I'm supposed to be like Isildur, but really, the guy was a retard.
Arwen: You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself. Besides, you're cuter despite the fact that you neve wash your hair.
*makeout fest*
Boromir: Sorry to break up the party, but I must make as many people hate me as I possibly can before I die. OooOOooh, shiny pointy sword. Ouch, swords are sharp! *drops*
If looks could kill...Boromir would be dead five minutes into the movie.
It needs help, too...*coughKaitycoughcough* I'm kinda running out of ideas/way too lazy to write some more.
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