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I think mostly for me my life consults of many who say they care. I guess my most thought of issue right now is that I am hurt and have been hurt for pretty much a year now. I went through heart break and basically the whole experience changed me as a person. I was able to open my self to people more then ever. But the problem is now is that it seems as if since I have let all this emotion out, its hurting people because of how I may feel discomfort with someone kissing or just basically friends not staying in contact.

It feels like I am alone most the time now. With people being busy with their own lives. With no one there I fall appart. The one I love does not love me and even going through the pain of realizing I can't be with him...I still yet love him. This knowing that I can never have whom I love makes me sad. Yet it also makes me very possessive because we are still friends. Then to realize that I'm not his everything and never will be just makes me even more sad.

I've had thoughts recently about admiting my self into the hosptial or seeing someone because I can't handle the emotional pain inside me. I have even made suicidle attempts along with thoughts of how to do it but then those plans never following through.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...how do I get better? Nothing seems to help me I know medication has never once helped me and neither have doctors that are specialized in this area. And really I don't want to seem like the classic emo or anything by saying no one understands but it sure does seem like no one does and if someone does then the people who do are very slim and arn't really avalibale for physical contact.

All I ever wanted was love...to be loved and to love someone else. When I was younger I never had any friends so I never got to know what having fun was like. I played with toys until I was about 18 years old. (I'm 20 now since this passed june.)

I feel mostly like life has no meaning much anymore and any interests in movies and the such are usually faded. When I am happy it only lasts for a short time and most the time I am numb or sad. And a lot of the time I think mostly that the only thing that can save me is to find one who can love me for me...but then I donno. Everyone tells me I am great as a friend but maybe thats just it. I'm only a friend and never anything else it seems. Because no one will ever see me as anything else. Its that thought that makes me feel sad. I guess nothing else would help me but to be loved that way because everything else I have tried to be happy with never works.