...like s**t. Like a complete idiot. Like I'm not wanted. How emo. <span id="test15201081">. . .</span><br/><div id="post15201081" style="display:none; margin-right:75px;">Don't tell me to cry you a river, and don't tell me to suck it up. I've sucked it up long enough, I've dealt with reality, and I don't want to anymore...I'm not saying I want to die, but I just want to, you know, hide from everything, if only for a little bit. Besides, you read this anyway, despite my little warning.
My family hardly notices me, and when they do, it's negatively, like I'm going to fail at everything I do. Everyone seems to avoid me nowadays...my teachers don't even seem to favor me, like I'm the least favorite or something. I don't understand why...I try to be nice to everyone...why doesn't it work? I probably scare them...it wouldn't surprise me very much at all.
I seriously want God in my life more, so he can help me out through this. I'm sure He still loves me for me, even with my strange habits and my moodiness. Even if he's just a fragment of my imagination, at least I feel like SOMETHING, just one thing, likes me for who I am, and not my grades or how I dress.
I think my AP Euro teacher, formerly one of my favorite teachers, doesn't like me because I have a weird habit. I like to chew the lining of my cheeks and picks the skin around my nails. She looked at me weird when I did that. How embarrassing...my geometry teacher makes me feel like an idiot, telling me that all the things I don't get right away are things that I SHOULD get right away. The rest of my teachers I don't really care for, except for my Biology and Spanish teachers...they're nice to me.
I just want attention, that's all. No one seems to understand that I just want someone to tell me how to do something, just to teach me. And not like I'm a baby, but like I'm a 15 year old, or maybe like I'm older. I'm not an adult, or a "young adult," I'm a kid. I can't do anything yet. Just TREAT ME LIKE IT. I know most people want to be treated like adults, but I don't...it means I'm a step closer to growing up, and then I definitely won't have anyone. I'd like to spend time with my mom more often, but every time I try to talk or spend time with her, she's watching TV or something and doesn't want to be around anyone. Because she's been around kids all day...but I want to be around her now.
I hardly have any friends, or a social life, but I'm glad to have the ones that I DO have. Especially Chelsea. She'd listen to me no matter what I had to say. And I'm so mean to her...I feel awful...but I don't want to talk to her about my problems because she doesn't really need to hear about them. They're not any of her business, they're not effecting her...that's what a journal's for, for getting rid of your problems without really telling anyone.
And then there are my OTHER "friends" who do nothing but discuss how their life sucks. Oh, I'm sure. They make EXCELLENT grades, their parents love them to DEATH and would do anything for them, no matter what the circumstances, and there is nothing wrong with their life. They just make it that way, and then make it seem a thousand times worse. I admit, I'm doing that to, but at least I realize it and at least I don't blabber on about some dumb suicide attempt. Yeah, almost all of my friends are suicidal. I know of one for a FACT that isn't, and that's Elizabeth. I really hope she's not anyway...I'd die if she did something like that to herself...and I don't even think she likes me that much anymore...we had a huge fight in February and made up when school started again. I wish we could be best friends again...but I know that isn't going to happen, coz I'm never going to be able to see her, because her parents probably hate me. Oh, more people to add to the list, whoopee. I wish I could just tell everyone that I'm sorry for everything that I might have done, but it's not that easy...apologizing doesn't come naturally to me the way it does to other people.
I'm really not like other people, am I? I'm always used because I'm so considerate, I guess the word would be. My art teacher makes me feel that way, and everyone in that class too, for the most part. They're nice to me...some of them. They tell me that I draw well...or is it good? I think it's well. My art teacher thinks I'm nice and patient and considerate...I like that. I wish everyone thought that way about me, and not just a handful of people who actually get to know me. Then again...I guess I give off this vibe that says that I'm evil. So I don't really blame the people who avoid me. I almost said I kind of scare myself, but people don't scare me unless they do something to scare me. People give off a scary vibe, and I catch onto it. I'm good with those sorts of things. Like, people could be talking to me, but it's idle chit-chat, and it's only because they have no one else to talk to. That's not because they're being nice. It's because they have nothing better to do.
I just want people to view me like a normal person, the normal person that I am. The forgetful person. The nice person. The gentle, sensitive, caring, loving, silly person. Not the fat, scary goth kid. I'm not even goth. Or I don't feel that way...so I dress in mostly black, so what? Does that mean if I started dressing in pink I'd be a prep? I don't think so. There must be something wrong with me for people to think I'm that weird.
I wish I had someone that liked me...not like a boyfriend but like a friend-friend, or something like that. Even though I don't really want to be treated like an adult, I still want to be talked to like one...I'm too mature for stuff like who's wearing what and who's going out with who. It just pisses me off. I'm more into politics and religion and stuff like that, stuff your average 15 year old wouldn't care less about.
Why can't people just smile at me? Like a sincere smile. Not like a fake one. I wanna feel a LITTLE loved.
Part of me wants to squeeze my mom to death and start crying, but another wants to carry on my life normally...and the part that wants to carry on life normally is HUGE, like 99% of me. I always do this. I never tell anyone how I REALLY feel, and it gets the worst of me...eating away at my insides and stuff. Maybe I should tell someone? But what would they care? I would feel like such a hypocrite...and I don't want to be even MORE like one than I already am. So I keep it to myself, and I just let it sit there and just boil over until I snap like I just did. Well, I didn't really snap, I kinda cried, like for thirty minutes, and I still am...oh, it's been an hour. I didn't notice. I'm feeling a little better now, now that I've let out my sniffles and listened to "Confession" a thousand times...which helped me cry because it's a sad song.
Sigh...
The first person to tell me to get over it because it's life is going to...Well, nothing is going to happen. But if you were standing right in front of me I'd probably wail on ya. Like, hard. You read it, you didn't have to, but you did, so why complain to ME? It's your fault you read it, not mine. Plus, this whole little rant was about POSITIVE attention, so I don't need any negative crap.
And I'm not asking for a life story of your's either. Like, "OH, YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD?!?!?!?1/1/ WELL DIZ ONE TIEM AT BAND CAMP LOL..." Yeah, you probably had a worse life than I did. OH WELL. I'm so tired of dealing with everyone's problems and giving out advice and everyone seems to totally miss that. Am I like a priest or something? If you tell all of your problems to me, will they go away? No. So do something about it. Or try to, anyway. (And I assure you, I can't really cause people to notice me positively without talking to people, which I don't want to do because they probably won't like me, and I don't like that. So don't bring that up for my case either.)
I probably should tell someone how I feel, but the last time I did that I told my mom, and she, in a nutshell, told me to get over it because that was a dumb problem. Like I'd miss school in increments of two days or sometimes more just because I didn't want to see anyone. I just want to be by myself sometimes...
I wish I could attend a school where I could be the ONLY one there. Like, I wish I were homeschooled. That would be awesome. I could spend all day with my mom and learn at the same time. And I wouldn't have to deal with crummy people either! But Mom isn't qualified to do that...and we can't afford my being homeschooled. I was so sure in 8th grade that I'd be homeschooled from then on. (Mom was so pissed off and sad about an event that happened...some stupid b***h slapped me in the back of the head and thought it was HILARIOUS. I didn't even know her. Scarred me for life...now I'm extremely paranoid of everyone around me. And events that I previously thought were milestones in my life feel like flops and just fleeting moments that mean nothing.) But I wasn't...I got my hopes up for nothing...it took me a week to be able to pull myself back together, even though I stayed home for like, one day. No matter how hard I begged and pleaded and cried, I still had to go...God, I must have put so much pressure on my poor mom. I still sort of do...well, not too bad anymore, because I'm on ADD pills that sort of act like anti-depressants, even though they're probably not supposed to. But they do, and that's all that matters...but they make everything seem ten times worse than they really are, and they make me easily irritable. And stuff like that. But I love them...they make me do better in school. Or help me, anyway. They make me concentrate, and that's what I really need. To concentrate...
Oh, man. That makes me think about something else. I'm not going to be able to go to a good college...just a dumb local one. Which I don't totally mind, but it's not the same as going to the places I want to...but with the grades I have and the paychecks Mom and Dad have, even if I get a job, I still wouldn't be able to totally pay for a college. I need a scholarship. And that's not going to happen...
I think I've ranted the rant out of me. So I'll stop now...
If anyone wants to say something nice, I'd be so thankful. That's really all I want. Some kindness.
