Yes, amazingly, this entry isn't going to be a poem. I just need somewhere to write down my thoughts.
Mean/Depressed/Negative side of me:
Ugh. I hate my family. They treat my like some crazy fixer-upper kid. My brother has taken it upon himself to fix my eating habits and a bunch of other stuff, and tonight when I got a sub, my dad took half of it! I know he wouldn't usually do that, and I know why he did it tonight. It's because he's never liked the fact that I get a 12". Oh boo hoo. *snorts* And my mom thinks I'm befriending rapists and serial killers just because I spend a significant amount of time online each day. *snorts again* Watching Law and Order has made her paranoid. And it doesn't help that I have myself to deal with. I've done horrible things, and now I'm living with them. I struggle with depression and low self-esteem. The other night, I was lying in bed and thinking, and I seriously had a panic attack. If I hadn't know that it would've just caused more questions from my family, I would've been screaming. And I swear, there was a moment where I seriously considered suicide. Sure, I've thought about it before, but I've never actually been serious about doing it. It was really scary.
Nice/Happy/Positive side of me:
I know that I'm extremely lucky to live in America, that I'm even luckier to have parents who are married and that love me, and I know it's an added bonus that I have a relatively nice house, food, and a comfy bed. Really, I'm thankful for those things. I guess knowing that only adds to my guilt for being depressed, though. Who am I to sit around complaining about a broken heart when there are people dying of starvation out there? Seriously. I should be happy.
 BelleFlower · Mon Oct 15, 2007 @ 01:41am · 1 Comments |
