I feel like crap. Simply said. There's not much more to it, except the long post of whining your about to read, unless of course, you stop reading now. Things just haven't gone well at all this week. There's still a hole in my wall that I havent told my dad about. My step mom pissed me off and so, rather than hit her like I wanted to, I put my foot through a wall. I feel ugly as ******** and I seem to be posessed by a snotty rich b***h.
I always tell myself Im pretty. Its just something I've learned to do. When I was little everyone told me I was ugly. My brothers, my step mom, the kids at school. Hell, at my 8th grade prom my mom told me I was ugly because she wouldnt let me go get icecream with my friends so I got upset and cried. I believe her exact words were "I had to come all the way up here to pick up your ugly a**." So ever since then I've always told myself Ive pretty, thus developing a complex type thing. I am extremely competitive when it comes to looks. The media does not help with this. No matter how much someone tells me "I think youre beautiful" or "Your not ugly!" it doesn't help. I appreciate it, yes. However, If I see someone with bigger boobs and a better figure than mine I instantly must become the center of attention, not her. I don't like it or pretend to understand why it matters to me, but thats the way it is.
At the moment, I feel so ugly I want to hurt something or myself or anything that moves, makes noise and/or looks at me funny. I blame my nearly neglectful family for part of it. My spine is curved. Since Ive gone to the chiropractor its gotten progressively worse. Ill go to him, he fixes it, then if I miss appointments it gets worse than it even started. I constanly tell my parents to call him and they always answer the same. "I will". The same answer I give when They tell me to clean my room or do my homework. Just like those times, it never happens. My rib cage has gotten slightly off and so my bras are uncomfortable and I cant wear them for too long. WHen I take them off, I feel flat chested. I feel off balance and ugly. Do my parents care? No. I just get "I will". Will. Always will. never, ok Ill do it now. Never, ok, just one second. Always an indefinite "will". The only time my mom actually remembers to call is when she needs her back to be done. Im not important enough. Im never important enough.
At prom I got one compliment. And that was from my boyfriend. It made me feel special, but It wouldnt have hurt me any for anyone else to say anything. Sometimes I think its because everyone is just used to me looking nice. Then other times I think Im really just completely ugly. My boobs are too small, my butt sags too much. My arms are too thin and my face is too sickly looking.
And here I go, being snotty again. I feel horrible just thinking things like this. I feel like Im not giving Mi chan enough importance, but the truth is his opinion means more to me than anyone else. I just cant stand not being the best. I hate it. I really wish I didnt have to be this way. damn. Im crying now. I need to stop typing.
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My brain makes words.
If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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GenLee Community Member 
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TheVampireNeko
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