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How I feel today... I have been having a crappy weekend and a crappy week,so I really really have the need to blow some steam...the best way to do it is to type down how I feel I guess... Well here it goes... I don't know if any of the people who will read this has been in a situation like this or not,the thing is,I consider writing some sort of therapy,so be my therapist,shut up and listen/read what I have to say... I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and so far,I have believed that he is the one...when we met,it was kind of like a dream...we were chasing each other for one whole year before we actually started dating...In the beginning,everything was great.We did all the things that young in love couples do. ^_^ He made me wonderful dinners,we took long walks by the Danube (I live not far from the river),we were going out with friends and goofing around like there was no tomorrow...we also had our fair share of drugs and alcohol,but hey!We were 16 and 17 at the time...We used to go out to this fantastic rock cafe where we first met. And then it all started...I had to go to summer school because I was failing math.I am just not a numbers person. XD Anyways,from there,stuff started to go downhill...we grew apart with our friends,and soon,there was just me and him against the world...In addition,his parents are divorced,he lives with his mom,who is an awesome person but his dad is a real a*****e...and what's worse,he is craving for his dad's recognition. In the beginning he used to tell me how he doesn't care what his dad says about me,that he wants to be with me,that he loves me for who I am and he doesn't care that his dad doesn't like me.Of course,this lasted until his dad called me a whore...what were his reasons,I don't know.I have never even looked at another guy since I am with him...Anyways,that was the time when he started looking at me differently...we grew apart from each other... Fortunately,I still have my friends from college,who have been very supportive.And he...he has his bicycle.Which is why I am actually writing his whole thing.I am frustrated that he is leaving me alone at his house for hours while he is outside biking.I didn't mind at first,I thought: "let him do it,it will be good for him."Only now I know how wrong I was.He cares more about his bike than he cares about me.And his biker friends too. I can't take it anymore.I tried talking to him,telling him how I feel,I started going out with my friends more,hoping that he will get the message.That I want to spend more time with him.But it was no use. We don't go out anymore,we don't have common friends...he doesn't want me to say "I love you" anymore either...Can it be,that I am so deluded and stupid that I still think that this guy is the one for me? Am I really that worthless that I don't deserve those three little words from him anymore? The truth is that I am afraid...afraid of what will wait for me out there if I leave him...I got so used to him being always there for me when I need him.Is it worth saving everything that I have with him?Or is the special someone meant for me still somewhere out there... I am stuck in this feeling of emptiness and confusion...I have no idea what to do.If I end this relationship and be single again,will I be single forever because he was the one after all? It's a tough decision and it's been bothering me for a while now...Sometimes I can't focus on whatever it is that I am doing because I am trying to decide what to do... But I do feel a lot better now that I got this out of me. So whoever you are reader,thanks for listening/reading and being my therapist. I don't expect you to help me.I have to do this on my own,I know that.But just knowing that it is out of my system,makes me feel a little better...

Posted by: LillieRose Sat Sep 22, 2007 @ 08:03pm

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Mimic X
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Commented on: Sun Sep 23, 2007 @ 04:05am


	Wow... hugs I know this might sound really corny, and in some cases... would probably make some people wanna just smack me ^^; .... but.... have faith... and stay strong regardless. I can't say I've been in the same situation, but various slightly similar situations... 1. I'm not gonna suggest ending or keeping your relationship; thats entirely up to you and no one else... but as far as those 3 words go... if thats how you honestly feel... and you really do love him... then don't change those feelings for the world... 2. I know I don't live anywhere even remotely near you, etc... but /if/ something were to happen, and you seperated, etc... you can't let it break you... and I know thats easier said then done... but you'll still have friends, no matter how far or how close, who support you, care about you, and would have your back at any moment if they could. Yes, it would be heartbreaking... I know for a fact, if I lost Kelly... I'd be devistated; I feel like I'd shrivel up somewhere and just die... thats the part of love and companionship. However, if you could learn to endure that pain and move on... don't rely on anyone.... "be your own island" if you will... be strong and independent... and if you find love, affection, attention elsewhere, or with him... thats wonderful ^_^ Just don't let him be your cornerstone... that if he were to pull himself out, you would fall apart.... if that makes sense~ 3. You aren't denied those 3 words... not in the least, especially if thats how you honestly feel. I was in a similar situation before... where me saying "I love you" made the person uncomfortable... and I respected that fact... but at the same time... part of me wanted to know why it made them uncomfortable, etc... and it was because of past stuff, experience, etc... but regardless.... it kinda hurt a little bit... stung with me.... but I simply toned it down, and kept being loving and the best friend I could be because I cared about them... and eventually... they opened up a bit more, explained their reasons... and told me they loved me too. So... I guess I'm saying... give it time, be patient & open, regardles of how he's been lately... don't push... but instead, have faith and be patient... and give him a chance to try and open up a little, whether he does or doesn't. I'm not a a doctor or professional at relationships or anything... but I hope maybe my simple words could at least help in one way or another... you're a really awesome person ^_^ ...and I hope things resolve for the best.... and you feel better~ Take care~

Commented on: Tue Sep 25, 2007 @ 11:42am


	As your friend and "Therapist", I'm just going to say that no matter what path you choose, no matter what happens, I will always love you and I'll be there for you in the best way I can. HUGS

Nerelda
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ladybrittania
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Commented on: Tue Sep 25, 2007 @ 05:16pm


	This is a similar story, and although not exactly the same situation, it might give you some insight... My hubby grew up being highly influenced by his father's opinion, even though he had been estranged from his father for years due to his father's alcoholism. Because he didn't have a very good father figure, he had put his dad on a pedestal, and actually blamed his mother for his leaving. It took him a long time ( I think 4-5 years from when we began dating until he started accepting and respecting his mom more...) to come to the realization that it was actually his mother who had stuck around and worked hard for him, and his safety, while his father had left. This whole thing was my hubby's own, personal issue, but of course it impacted on our relationship. He didn't trust women much, and was very stuck on the idea that he had to be the stereotypical "manly man," hiding his emotions and being the tough one. Now, I knew he cared, just didn't know how to express it, so I stuck with him, and the trust grew between us. We had many long talks about his family, and eventually he came to respect and love his mother. It was very tough, but I think it has helped him to be a happier person in the long run. His relationship with his mother is amazing now, and that's really important, because she's really the only biological family he has. This whole "process" took 7 years while we were dating, and it still comes up every so often in our marriage of 8 years. Childhood impressions are hard to extinguish. Whatever you choose to do, remember that you are a strong, intelligent, beautiful young woman, and even though things are really, really tough now, you are smart enough to put it into the perspective of your whole life. You have a lot of years ahead of you, and the only person in the end who has power to make those years happy ones, is YOU.

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